Is this abusive?

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-Father and I were in the pool once. He tore my shorts off, chasing my naked ass through the pool with a SeaDoo propeller. He threatened to cut off my penis with it. For fun.
-Mother got drunk and told me to shut up in a public restaurant.
-Father told me to win at all costs when it comes to academics. Asked me why I wasn't more like my lowlife half-brother.
-Father and Mother pokes me in the navel, stomach area, nipples. A LOT.
-Both Mother and Father use me as a pawn in their mind games.
-Mother asked me for my money once. She used it to buy something for me.
-Father showed no empathy when I ended up in a psych ward for attempting suicide.
-Father called me a dumbass and still calls me many other names.
-Grossly insert themselves into my academic experience by taking the credit for my successes. They're educational stage parents, basically.
-Father threatens to beat or ground me for disagreeing with him.
-Father points an empty gun in my face in his truck.
-Father stole toys from my room when I was a kid. For fun.

GiftorCurse,
I looked at your postings and it sounds like it. From what I see here, it looks like your parents are both mentally, and emotionally abusive people who are truly oblivious to their own actions. I grew up with parents like that who would often say mean things that always cut me down. They would also get mad if my sibling didn't get grades or rewarded and she didn't. It doesn't sound like a good situation for you to be in as it is toxic and so I would do whatever I could to get yourself out of it and then work on yourself enough to set some boundaries with them.

That is ... out of hand. I don't honestly know what you can do about this, and the other stuff you mentioned, while sh***y, doesn't really register with me after reading this one.

If you haven't seen what a loaded firearm does to a piece of meat when fired point blank, try to find out, just so you know what a mistake on your father's part could do. Do *not* involve your father or his firearms for this.

My parents were kind of that way. After I won a science fair in 8th grade, my mom was in a photograph in which she was absolutely beaming. And it took me years to figure out that the point is not to bask in some one-dimensional way. The point is to build a team and to contribute to a team, to find other people whose interests overlap with my own, and probably have a combination of group projects and individual projects, and where we're pulling for each other. Believe it or not, I found this to some extent selling furniture and also on the Internet.

I did a school protest in 11th grade in which I stopped trying and stopped getting good grades, and I didn't know how to come back down from this protest. I do not recommend this.

And ALMOST ALL THAT STUFF SOUNDS ABUSIVE.

the part where your father is threatening to cut off your penis. Quite a bit different than threatening to pinch someone's toe. What may have started out good-natured rough housing went way, way too far. This might be what one adult threatens to another, both of them knowing that it's joking. Well, how would I child know it's joking? Obviously, a male child would not.

It's bad to publicly embarrass you.

It's bad to try and push you to be like another sibling.

It's bad to keep poking you in the navel, stomach area, and nipples, and not pick up on the fact that you don't like it. And should easily and matter-of-factly respect the fact that you don't like it.

And it's real bad for your parents to fight through you. And after making this mistake one or two times. they should recognize this and pull back. But it sounds like (or I may be reading my own parents) it's a noncommunicative process. They are more engaged in "being right."

Your mother asks for money and uses it to buy something for you, and she thinks you're not going to notice? Presumably, because of her own issues, she's making a flat, one-dimensional effort, and then you're suppose to be automatically appreciative? Even if the parent gets a good gift in a normal way, it's still a fully textured situation and the child might like the gift and might not.

And I'm sorry your father could not emotionally be with you after you ended up in a psych ward for attempting suicide. That is his level of immaturity, and it's his loss. Of course it's your loss, too. You didn't have a parent when you needed one.

And it sounds like your father is abusing parental power to try and win arguments.

And obviously, anyone who knows anything about guns, you never point a gun at a person loaded or not.

-----------------------------------

This is where you need to be very strategic. It sounds like your father has a heavy streak of being a "be righter," which means you cannot engage him in any kind of reasonable discussion and expect a good result. 'Please don't be right at my expense.' You could say that but I don't think it would be a good result.

Kind of neighborhood libraries, coffee shops, bookstores, so they'd be places to go and basically spend less time at home.

Political clubs, sports clubs, arts clubs----positive activities with the substantial side benefit of less time at home, and the perfect excuse.

DO YOU HAVE AN AUNT, UNCLE, GRANDPARENTS, OLDER SIBLING, THAT YOU COULD STAY WITH AT AGE 17 WHAT I'M GUESSING IS YOUR SENIOR YEAR OF HIGH SCHOOL?

Please don't sacrifice school. And a new school, I recommend my post "Tight, defensive boxing to a draw. One week." but that's learnable, too. I mean, school is the coin of the realm as far as medical school, law school, architecture or whatever other really good career interests you.

And in general, don't let these terrible things at home keep you away from good things.

And good luck during this very difficult time (and being in a place where you're starting to realize this stuff is not exactly a Sunday picnic, try and use it as a source of strength). Use us here at WrongPlanet as a resource. Keep asking questions, and ask in different ways if necessary.

Last edited by AardvarkGoodSwimmer on 06 Sep 2011, 4:17 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Edit.

Last edited by Greatsharkbite on 06 Sep 2011, 4:00 pm, edited 1 time in total.

1: yes, abusive
2: humiliating, but not seriously abusive
3: saying you should be more like X is abusive. Winning...borderline (unrealistic expectations by your parents' )
4: borderline physical abuse
5: mind games are definitely abusive
6: annoying for sure...along with crossed lines, borderline abuse
7: sounds like a personality defect by not being empathetic of your situation. But I can't say it's abusive unless he said/did something verbal or physical to you
8: yes, guilty of verbal abuse...sorry
9: abusive? probably not, but definitely controlling. Not a good way to deal with you as far as academics.
10: yes, threatening physical violence is abusive
11: yes, pointing any gun in any condition is excessively abusive (psychological & physical)...no excuse for this kind of behavior
12: borderline

More abusive than not. Your parents remind me of mine. I went through a lot of the same stuff. Sorry that they treat you so poorly. Is there anyone you can trust in your neighborhood or at school about your situation? If not, you need to seek out a safe place where there's no abuse. What's particularly worrisome are the mind games, being physically threatened, & having a gun pointed at your face. That had to be terrifying.

1. Abusive. Had to look up what a seadoo propeller was.. tearing off the shorts.. borderline. At least, not adult behavior.
2. Getting drunk and telling you to shutup--borderline, at the very least immature.
3. Telling you to win at academics--not abusive at all, telling you to be like your half-brother.. at the very least emotional abuse. My mom told me to be like my cousin all the time, I know where you're coming from.
4. Getting poked in the navel, nipples.. not sure. It is if you said you were uncomfortable with it.
5. Pawn to play mind games with--emotional abuse.
6. Mom asked you for money--not at all, unless you mean she took money from you. It is annoying that she bought you something with your own money tho.. or it'd be to me.
7. Not abusive.. unless it was followed up with something like "Man up.." or "your problems aren't that serious".
8. Any verbal insults are abusive. So yeah.
9. Probably not the best thing for you, not abusive tho.. more like very annoying.
10. Abusive.
11. Abusive.
12. Depends on situation.. its hard for me to imagine a grown man just stealing toys. Was he taking them away from your permanently or did he think it'd be fun to play hide and seek with them..1 can be seen as abuse whereas the second can be seen as being playful.

If I was a court judge i'd take custody away from your dad on the spot..and maybe get your mom counseling.

With all due respect, the two previous posters are mistaken. This is arguably the most abusive one of all.

empathy: –noun
1. the intellectual identification with or vicarious experiencing of the feelings, thoughts, or attitudes of another.
2. the imaginative ascribing to an object, as a natural object or work of art, feelings or attitudes present in oneself: By means of empathy, a great painting becomes a mirror of the self.

Empathy is also a symptom of Aspergers. It doesn't mean the dad didn't feel bad about his son, it just means he didn't react. It can be abusive, but it depends on the person. Lacking empathy can be a serious personality defect. I left out whether it's abusive or not because unfortunately the situation makes it subjective. Obviously his feelings were hurt by lack of empathy. I can see why. Feelings are never wrong...you'll notice that I did not question his emotions.

Being compared with his brother I think is just as bad. All people are individuals....related or not. You cannot even expect identical twins to act in the identically same way though some do. They are still individuals. My dad used to compare me to his favorite too (his dog). He told me I should be more like him. That's very damaging because it tells the child that he/she doesn't measure up to their standards. It can become a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Also neither parent shows any sympathy towards this young man, & the fact that they torment him could leave lasting affects. (Not their fault? Oh yes, it is, but they'll never admit it.) I also included the definition.

sympathy: noun, plural -thies, adjective
noun
1. harmony of or agreement in feeling, as between persons or on the part of one person with respect to another.
2. the harmony of feeling naturally existing between persons of like tastes or opinion or of congenial dispositions.
3. the fact or power of sharing the feelings of another, especially in sorrow or trouble; fellow feeling, compassion, or commiseration.
4. sympathies,
a. feelings or impulses of compassion.
b. feelings of favor, support, or loyalty: It's hard to tell where your sympathies lie.
5. favorable or approving accord; favor or approval: He viewed the plan with sympathy and publicly backed it.

For example if you have grandparents in Arizona and they agree key point, I think at age 17 you can just go. Get on a plane, touch down in Arizona, okay, you're just going to be staying with your grandparents. Let them state that your home situation is abusive and hire a lawyer on your behalf. As the case drags through, you're in a better place and each day, you're rolling a day closer to age 18. And I think many judges will take the view that a 17 year old young man really needs to be in the place he wants to be at.
None of this is guaranteed.
Key points:
Other relative is acting as advocate and buffer,
You have lawyer doing the hard work,
Time is on your side.

Don't expect any kind of over-arching 'justice' from the criminal justice system. There is a very strong tendency, in most institutions of, no harm, no foul. For example, a serious incident of medical malpractice, as long as it's caught in time, is considered this way.

Also, what I've learned from peace activism, is to slightly understate my case. If it's overstated one iota, people resent being played. Even if I state it strong and passionate terms, it's like people are afraid of being played. Better yet, in personal situations, is to have someone negotiate and advocate on my behalf.

I have a seventy-year old grandmother. She's probably the only decent member of my family. She's old and frail, a little slow too, but she's the sweetest person I know.

If I were you, that's where I'd go. I wish I would have had that option when I was your age. Sadly, I had nowhere else to turn & stayed in the abusive home I grew up in. The abuse didn't stop until I was well into my 40s. Don't wait...get out while you can & go to a safe place where no more harm will come to you.

The fact that your dad pointed a gun at you really concerns me about your safety. He shows poor judgement, & lack of regard for what's in your best interest.

Maybe you can help her and she can help you. You need to still ask her in an respectful and open way, and realistically, at least at the beginning, you have to figure anything you say to her will get back to your parents.

So, maybe, understating, 'things aren't that great at home . . . and maybe get to spend some time my senior year with you. . . ' maybe something like that.

Well put, Aardvark.

Thank you. And thank you for your thoughtful posts, too.

And Giftorcurse, see we're in here pitching on your behalf. Wrong Planet is your resource.

Another possibility (long shot), is there a school friend, and maybe you could live in his or her home? Grandmother probably best bet, but nothing wrong with having a back-up.

The gun pointing really scares me.