Possibly My Last Post: My Story(long post please read)

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My life in a nutshell.

Born the youngest out of a family of 5. I had two older sisters and no brothers. They teased me alot growing up, and I didn't know how to handle it. Needless to say I was very sensitive and quiet. I never felt comfortable being in my family's presence, and I still don't to this day. The closest way I could describe it, is in a way if you have seen the show the 'Kardashians'. If you watch that show, their brother Rob is the youngest out of the family and he seems a little bit emasculated, but otherwise comfortable. That is similar to how I feel, having older spoiled sisters who control the dynamics of the family, except I am not comfortable at all. My dad didn't really know what he was doing raising a son. His dad didn't really raise him proper either, he just turned out ok, because he is an NT. He was a little bit of a late-bloomer himself, but because he is NT I have never felt like he has understood me at all. He is fairly outgoing................. My mother is the one who I am positive has AS, and where I have gotten my negative closed off love-shy and social phobic traits from. I never felt comfortable with her either because of the gender differences. I love my family, but not really. Not in the same way that other families have. Its just not there.

Embarrassingly, I was a heavy bed-wetter. From as early as I can remember, to about the age 19. It occurred frequently until about 15, when it became more sporadic and happened less and less. Oddly enough, I rarely ever remember or think about this. I don't really know the extant of negativity this has done to me, or the any other side effects.

I always played little league and basketball, but I was not consistent at all, I was often clumsy and uncoordinated at times. My muscles were not as developed. I was decent at basketball, but otherwise, I was just one of those kids who just wasn't an athlete in any way for that age. I couldn't throw a baseball consistently, it was embarrassing at times when I would screw up, and I rarely got a hit. I was never the weakest or the worst clutz ever, but I definitely stood out as not an athlete. I remember feeling bad about screwing up and fumbling the ball.

To make things worse, I came from a Jewish family. We celebrated all of the holidays went to the temple. This was just another separation, another way to make me feel different from all of the other kids, from maybe age 7 on-wards. Nothing against the Jewish religion, or the people, but it was just another way to make me feel like I didn't belong, when you are part of something that noone else it. I just can't explain. When I felt lonely and isolated growing up, it felt like that was the reason. And then my family just stopped going to temple, and we celebrated holidays less and less until it wasn't part of our lives anymore.

On top of that, I was given a biblical hebrew name that sounds very ethnic and foreign. This was another reason I felt isolated, coming from a family that seemed "foreign", and having a foreign name. But now I am not religious at all, so it is even weirder. I am trying to imagine if my life would be different having a regular name "Erik" or "Michael"

I just don't know if I have AS or not. I am 95% certain that I do. So obviously my socializing has been off or non-existent my whole life, and I have been very shy. BUT when I was young it really felt like it was because of my strange name, my strange religion, and not blending into teams sports physically and socially. I just never seemed like a regular boy.

I am shyer and more quiet than most people, but I never felt like i was naturally that way. I feel like there is this force, this presence inside of me that forced and still forces me to be more quiet, because I have alot of bad experiences growing up and not fitting in. I would say the wrong thing or just not be attuned with what was going on like the other kids.

I was never the smallest or scrawniest boy, I was in fact fairly tall for my age growing up, and husky. IF I WAS SMALLER, I guarantee I would have gotten bullied FAR more than I did for being quiet. I still got bullied to an extant, it wasn't as bad as some other guys from here might have received. Basically, no one ever threatened beating me up for my lunch money or anything like that.

In HS, there were some guys that didn't like me or even hated me, because I said some inappropriate things at times. The other kids didn't get my sense of humor. I didn't have any friends and I walked around by myself everyday for lunch. I probably looked like a target, and I remember some guys acted hostile to me and I didn't know why. I never saw the point of getting in a fight for stuff like that. I never actually had a reason to fight someone else. I never bullied anybody in my life. Had I gotten into a fight, I would have gotten pummeled due to my lack of coordination. From the other boys eyes, I probably looked like a weak punk. I didn't really have the concepts of "reputation" and defending it that the other boys had.

It was frustrating that other guys just hated me, and I was always afraid that I would just get beat up for no reason, even though I did my best not to show it. I kind of wish though that I did get beat up or jumped, and that I REALlY had some real enemies. Had that happened, it would have forced me to become stronger and learn to fight. There would have been no escaping that. I would have had to confront that directly. But like I said, my social programming through my family, and my genetics didn't help me that in that way.
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Then I went to college. By this time, I felt really out of touch with my high school and growing up experiences. I felt like I would just mature naturally and things would eventually change for me. I tried to step out of my shell (as someone said I had in HS), I made friends with a few of my roommates and students who lived close by, but ultimately I just never really "got out". I smoked weed and drank a bit, but I never got over my fear or girls. I had some chances that I remember where some girls showed interest in me, but they seemed really needy, and I could barely make conversation, and it freaked me out even though I am lonely and needy myself. I just couldn't be there for someone else, because I didn't know how.

I didn't realize I was falling into a whole other pit, a cavern. In College, no one is watching 24/7 like being HS where you are forced constantly be around other people, So it isn't that as different to be mostly keeping to yourself. Once it was clear that I wasn't going anywhere, I wasn't maturing, I found out about AS, and I felt out of place more than ever, I dropped out. That was almost 4 years ago, and my life is slowly turned into hell in that time. Gradually I have gotten less and less sleep, and I am constantly fatigued and always anxious and depressed. I still live in the only area besides my hometown that I have ever lived in (on my own too). I can see how moving away for college tricked my head.

Now it feels like everything from my past is just hitting me in the head. My life feels like this giant blur that doesn't make sense. I feel so disconnected and gone. Bad memories, bad experiences, not really much to feel excited or happy about. No real confidence, no real friends, and no romance. Everything is just hitting me over the head. I I feel so f*****g depressed and hopeless.

There seems to be so many things, so many variables that added up to make my life the way it is. I can't help but feel my life was cursed. Everything, everything had to be exactly the way it is, for my life to turn out exactly the way it did. I can't turn my head off, which keeps reminding me of thousands of bad experiences from the past 6 years that just make me cringe.

I feel like I would have to get drunk for 6 months straight throwing up everynight just to get all of the spirits out of me, that is how tense I feel.

Nothing has come to me naturally, I didn't grow up like everyone else, or anything close to it. I have to force myself to talk to other people.

I know everybody has problems, but like I said there are so many different circumstances that fit together, that it isn't surprising that I don't have any friends, because I can't really relate to other people. I just had a depressed different life. I just feel so stuck. I wish so badly I could go back to HS and do everything differently

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I don't want to really post on here anymore. This is a negative place (at least to me). Everything from the color scheme to other peoples lonely posts, to just being online too much is a negative force in my life. If I think about it, most of my life has been in front of a computer.

I am going to quit using the computer when I am not at work. So no more internet addiction or porn.

I have been working out weights and martial arts, and I am going to try to keep that up

I am trying to go to bed and get good rest.

I am going to apply for school for next fall, and maybe sign up for a community college class or two.

I will try to talk to people more but not in forceful way as I have been.

Other than that I just don't know...................thanks for reading this

I think this is a good plan. My presence on this site is sporadic over the years; I find that sometimes it's beneficial, but sometimes it's detrimental for the same reasons you mentioned. You can know it's always here to come back to if you feel you need the solidarity. I honestly think you're 100% right, the best thing you can do for yourself right now is to drastically change your lifestyle - and getting more social and more healthy is a great place to start.

You story sounds uncannily like mine. However, my story diverges at several points. For one, I am the eldest son in my family, but my sisters dominate the family because they are extremely vocal. They are not activists per se, but they think they are better than me and my dad. I am a senior at college. Their cultural tastes seem to dominate the family, while my musical and nerdy interests make me ever more irrelevant. My youngest sister had a baby, and expects me to watch him when I am not at college. My mom and dad divorced a couple

My family is pretty ethnically divided. My dad and his extended family are Japanese, while my mom and her side are Portuguese/German. My dad's side tends Buddhist/Methodist, but my dad is non-religious and doesn't go to church or anything else. My mom's side, on the other hand, were all Catholics and some, like my aunt and mom, became Evangelicals. My mom tends more moderate, while my aunt is very conservative and obsessed with the Rapture and the End times. Anyways, I understand how you feel. It's very painful being different in this world. I feel like a space alien in the world. I would like to say more, but my mind is moving too fast (I was diagnosed ADHD in addition to Aspergers). Depression is a beast that can ruin your life, but I think I've found structural reasons for my depression. Consequently, I feel like my depression won't go away until I remove the structural reasons (family).

I think the OP is saying being here feels as productive as trying to put Oprah on a diet sounds like a good idea in theory...





Communism sounds good in theory.......

As does Reaganomics I'd be more recpetive (they do have some good ideas perhaps 1 %of the time ) if they just admit it's about ploughing as many oats in to the donkey and praying like mad (they tend to be religious these Reaganites) that some undigested oat matter pops out on the road for the sparrows eat (sparrows being the lesser beings that make up the great majority of humanity ) ,

I mean why can't people be more honest with then selves?





Speaking of honesty Oprah needs to admit to herself she looks just fine no more attention seeking "diets" ,( expect in her morbidly obese stage)

I'm more worried about their personailty , though I wont be harsh if her narcissism helps people like young African women who am I to judge?

goodbye and goodluck

I often ask myself why most people are here ? what do they hope to achieve?