Fear of confrontation.

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If you're an Aspie now, then you were born one and grew up as one. Same goes for me. For me, my school years were the 70s and early 80s. I don't think anyone knew much about Asperger's Syndrome back then. Not my peers, nor my teachers, nor my religious elders, nor, later, my employers.

Few people liked me. I had few friends. I wanted to be liked, so I played the comedian, or put myself down, took the passive stance and avoided confrontation, agreed with anyone. And so I lived to right now as I type this at 44 years of age.

I'm frightened. I've gotten myself into a situation that I need only endure for a little longer, but I REALLY don't want to.

There's a tree that grew in my front yard. A very large tree that grew over the electricity cable that brings electricity from the street to the house. It grew next to my neighbour's yard. He's a farmer who sometimes keeps cows in the yard next door, and we share a common fence (electrified) which was beside the tree.

I decided to get the tree removed ($1500), and the tree removal man was having a bit of trouble cutting it down bit by bit. He came over three days using truck and spikes etc. But he finally got on top of it. I emphasized not taking out my power line or the neighbour's bails (a building where you milk cows), but didn't place much importance on anything else. Just drop the branches and the neighbours will cut it up for firewood.

It seems I should have emphasized protecting the shared electric fence. I hadn't noticed, but it got buried and squished under heavy limbs. The tree man has left. The farmer came around to complain and to get me to phone up the tree man to come back tomorrow to clear and fix the fence. This I did, and the tree man is not happy. Tomorrow I will have to deal with him.

Not looking forward to it. I don't know if maybe it is all my fault. I gave no indication that the fence was untouchable, but then again, shouldn't the professional take enough pride in his work to not destroy the surrounding fixtures? I don't know. But I'll find out tomorrow when the tree man shares his perspective. I so wish to avoid this confrontation.

But that's not the worst of it. The WORST part of all of this is the loathing I feel for myself. Why am I such a p****? I can talk myself through the process and use logic, but still I'm scared. Why should I feel like a 13 year old again under the disapproving eyes of everyone, craving acceptance, solitude, calmness? Why is the tree man or the farmer more important than me?

The real joke is... at school I got medals for judo; did karate in the Longreach PCYC in 86; Bujinkan; private lessons in another martial art; seminars in close quarter combatives; 6 months in the Guardian Angels (Brisbane); I've done regaining bags taken in bag snatches on two occasions; and after all of that... I still fear confrontation and I hope tomorrow never comes. I will use self-debasing posturing, and they'll read it. I feel like a coward. I hate myself.

The tree man should have had the sense to avoid the fence...but then again, perhaps he also has AS and trusted your word.

Even so, if I were the tree man and was working for someone, I would expect to be held responsible for damaging the fence. It's not your responsibility to do his job right. It's his responsibility to do his job right, and as harsh as that seems because of the extenuating circumstance, I believe most people would agree with this perspective.

That doesn't mean you have to be rude to the guy when you speak with him. Be civil, perhaps even offer to help him clean the mess up if you feel that is appropriate, however if he insists on being paid to fix damage he has done, then he is trying to take advantage of you, and at that point you may use a harsh tone and argue with him.

He might not be able to fix the fence himself if it's electric, so a third party might have to do it.

Maybe the tree of yourself has too little roots and falls down every time someone shakes on them…
It’s not physical strength what attracts people it’s spiritual strength (not in the religious sense) and the way to others starts with working on your own perception of yourself. The moment when you start to accept and love yourself others will perceive it. The simple words ‘just be yourself’ means to speak up for yourself and your convictions and it means to keep your opinion even if everyone don’t agree but also to have the greatness to admit mistakes and change your opinion if it’s needed – maybe by getting new informations which give you a different view on something.
It’s not about being perfect, it’s about being genuine.
Try to keep to your own values of life; few people will respect you for that but some people will rate you, hate you and break you for who you are but don’t forget that’s mostly based on envy and the inability to admit failures or to forgive. Don’t expect that of others when every one of us still struggles with our own worst enemy – ourselves. Real strength lies inside of you but you need to find it.
Be at peace with yourself and you will be at peace with the world. Maybe that’s the greatest challenge of life – to find yourself and to live that. I still struggle as well with my ego sometimes - the little girl who thinks too often she is just not good enough or wrong. Our ego - made of fears, false pride or/and wrong beliefs. Time to jump over it I guess : )
Tomorrow might look at you like a challenge but it's as well an opportunity to grow - depends how you want to look on it.

Thanks for the perspectives. There's some stuff in there that I'll meditate on.

Does the reality ever end up being as bad as the anticipation?

I decided to start clearing debris at 7.30am in order save time, so the tree man could give more attention to fixing the fence when he arrived... which turned out to be about 10.30am. Three hours I'd been at it, so I'd managed to saw and man handle every downed branch on the wrong side of the fence, and several large logs that were actually on the fence. I piled them in a heap about twenty-five meters away. By the time he turned up, I had inspected and straightened up the fence and been to the local shop for some nails to attach a few unattached insulators back onto their wooden supports.

The tree man was in a jovial mood. Ten minutes and he'd attached a loose wire and left. Then all I had to do was relocate those branches to a designated bonfire area. All over by 2.20pm. A little sunburn and a lot of exhaustion, but the main thing is that it's all done and no bad words spoken to anyone... just several hundred by me mumbled at the weight of some of those logs.

Now I'm knackered and embarrassed that I over-reacted.

I can understand fear of confrontation. For one thing my mind tends to go blank under stress and my words do not come to me when I need them.

Yep. It's all too easy to get lost in the moment and over-focus on it. Verbal confrontation, or too much verbal anything, and the 'noise' makes it hard to think.

I have the same problem! I always play these things out in my head in several different outcomes to be prepared when it happens. I go mute if confronted, but sometimes I do alright. I overthink, too!!

I'm glad it worked out for you. Now you have some nice firewood!! A bonfire this time of year is great!!

You did very well there by just doing what needed done without regard for who should actually be doing it, and that is how I try to deal with the matter of my inability to deal with confrontation. My own present dilemma is in a contractor not even showing up to get started, and I tense up just while only thinking about calling him to find out why he is not already here. And then, of course, you also said it well when noting how our expectations often go beyond reality and our projections are often worse than things might ever actually be.

I find that doing things, even when those around me insist it is someone else's responsibility, is an act of self defence. As long as I wait for others to do something, it leaves everything hanging (so to speak), which just keeps things confused and stressful for me. But if I get it sorted, it can be filed away and forgotten. No stress. I like things in order.

I can relate, glad you think it turned out pretty ok after all.

Been screwed over so many times by mechanics and repair people that I have learned to be quite hateful, but never feel ok about it afterward. Currently getting harassed and felt like a wreck for days after calling to report the ongoing BS. Oh well, we do the best we can and you sound like you did really well in this situation.

What kind of harassment?

Can relate. If there's something awful that needs sorting out just by someone going and doing it, I'll frequently just go do it. Maybe I just let the small things irritate me and make me act.

Back in the day this used to be considered nobility I suppose. Not sure about these days.

In my experience, sometimes the goal of the person acting in inappropriate ways is for their target to lose control, say something, do something, that will then be another reason for them to continue and have more ammunition. In my recent experience with a much younger student (I am 54, back in classes, and work hard to not give a damn about who thinks it's strange to be taking classes at this age), after many oddly hostile, rude comments, he seemed really happy to have finally gotten me mad enough to say something in my defense, as was his friend. Part of making an official complaint is having respect for the hierarchy, and though I was initially laughed at by public safety, and repeatedly asked by the head of the department, if I was "sure", I am sticking to my guns so to speak. It's not easy, I certainly wavered, and am still not comfortable with any of it, dealing with public safety, wondering if this idiot will finally shut up, worrying about the head of the department too being an ass and thinking negatively about me, etc.

Again, the goal is usually to get a reaction in order to continue or even escalate the situation, the only safe reaction, IMO, is to go the official route and make a complaint. If it isn't bad enough for that, if avoiding the situation or blowing it off is working, then that works too, but IF YOU FEEL THE NEED TO DO SOMETHING, THE OFFICIAL WAY IS THE BEST EVEN IF IT DOESN'T WORK.