Life is too long.

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I've had a lot of time to do soul searching the past few months, especially given that my sex obsession/sex drive all but disappeared due to the medicine I'm on...and I realized...I just wasn't meant to be on this earth. I don't relate at all to people except my parents and brother...I don't blend in at all in public...and frankly after seeing the ugly side of the human race, I would not want to join it even if I could start over as a new person of my choice.

If it were up to me (and it isn't since I don't have any money and no job skills or tolerance for harassment at work places) I'd be away from everything in some beautiful, remote Kentucky type place, away from everyone.

Now that my sex drive/obsessional thinking is gone...I really could care less if I ever even kissed a girl again in my life. Sure, I'd like someone I'm attracted to who's likeminded...but 1.)finding said woman I'm attracted to, 2.)being as picky as I am lookswise (since I'm not in it for sex) and her wanting no kids and a remote/homebody/asexual lifestyle is unlikely so I don't even fantasize.

I have things that interest me somewhat, but they are just distractions, not things I love. Even listening to music, I could live without it if I had to even though I love it.

I just feel like I'm waiting to die or for an asteroid to hit the earth.

I can honestly say, if I died tomorrow, I'd have no regrets.

I really wish my parents never met.

love your screen name.

I've been through some rough times, too. lost a medical career. thought my life was over. thought about suicide. now glad i didn't. married (at age 52) the sweetest guy on earth. have been enjoying the last 2+1/2 years with him. all in the small town i didn't want to come back to because there would be no one for a professional woman to marry. we have common interests, common politics, and compatible religious beliefs. he happens to behave neurotypically, but is an introvert, so my quietness and teeny-weeny social life don't bother him.

i'd say 80% of people are basically nice, though a large percentage of them can be convinced to do something not so nice by peer pressure. most folks just aren't that interested in taking the time to get to know a quiet person, but over the years, i've built up a solid handful of good friends. people can't be friends with you unless you give it a chance. in fact, life is about giving yourself the best posssible chance over and over - sooner or later something will go right. as winston churchill said to a home full of orphan boys: "never give up. never give up. never give up."

i've lost many friends without ever knowing what i did that offended them. some folks will write you off without a second chance. that makes the friends that stay precious, folks to be nurtured. do you know how to nurture? if not, couldn't hurt to learn. a local mental health facility may have a social skills course, which would also be a place to meet people. it's my job to help people meet people. i take them to church, book clubs, hobby groups, support groups, etc.

also, sounds like you may be clinically depressed. maybe that needs to be addressed before all the extraneous advice above. being down or negative makes it hard to make friends. try to focus on a few things you are grateful for (your family, music, a roof over you head, enough to eat, good physical health, etc.) and consider discussing depression with your doc.

you express yourself well. you must be reasonably smart. what other strengths do you have? honesty? ability to keep a confidence? sometimes it helps to list our strengths so we know we have something to offer in a friendship, even though our social skills aren't perfect. your family can tell you more of your strengths if you can't think of them yourself.

if none of this seems to fit you, perhaps you can just enjoy a bowl of ice cream or a long shower, or better yet, a walk to enjoy the fall colors beginning to show.

I've felt what you've described above and worse, you're not alone.

I never got the 'songs about love' because this was alien to me when I was younger. I got into dark music, I liked songs that were about other things.

My favorite band became the 60's group 'The Doors'. The lead singer Jim Morrison suffered from depression, suicial thoughts, some even suggested schizophrenia. He wrote songs about coping with pain, lonelyness and despair. (I have all their albums). It helped me, it might help you to find some of their old tunes- not the hits, but the slow, album filler songs that few other people remember. They still bring comfort in times that I'm down.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K3CHi_9sxj0

That's the funny thing...this is me with anti-depressants...without them, maybe I already would have already went through with suicide.

Ah Niles, I typically don't comment on haven posts as I'm rather lacking in the gift of making people feel better when they are emotionally fatigued, however I sense that you are not so much in emotional crisis as this is just the end conclusion of some logical process. So I've chosen to comment.

People such as you an I exist not only as a product of human variation, but we continue to exist because if the minds of humanity were more uniform, it would greatly detract from the potential of the species to progress intellectually, technologically, artistically and spiritually. It might be NT people who make the world go around but they didn't set it in motion; thus the saying "We stand on the shoulders of giants."

Granted, neither you nor I may ever become giants, figuratively speaking, but it is the potential within us driven by our ability to think differently, or inability not to, that is humanity's insurance policy for innovation.

You might have heard of the religious group of individuals known as orthodox jews. In these branches of judaism hold dear to their beliefs the concept of the coming the moshiach, or savior. Unlike the Christian concept of such a person, the orthodox jews believe this man will not be a divine entity in the flesh, but just a man through whom a divine entity acts. They believe this man will be a descendant of King David, and further, they believe the identity of this man is not fixed. They believe a moshiach is born in every generation, or at least a person within whom the potential to be so lies. That the moshiach may grow old and pass without fulfilling such a keystone prophecy is irrelevant. What is important is that that person served as a vessel to help ensure the presence and continuation of the potential so it will be there when needed.

I am not saying you are the savior the jews have been waiting for. Rather I am simply drawing an analogy. Being different in the way that we are endows us with a potential that others do not have, but unfortunately that is not without it's side effects.

You might very well have to go off and live in some cabin in Kentucky where you don't have to compete with those you can't compete with, or try to live in an environment you're not compatible with, to be truly happy, but don't think for a minute that you are insignificant because you are not. You are significant by your potential alone.



It is a common belief among chassidic jews that in every generation, the

people are strange, when you're a stranger-
faces look ugly, when you're alone.
women seem wicked, when you're unwanted-
streets are uneven, when you're down-
when you're strange, faces come out of the rain,
when you're strange, no one remembers your name-
when you're strange.

I know the reason for the sudden suicidal thoughts...for years, I had dreams of having sex with women (usually NT party type women that wouldn't find me attractive or want anything to do with me) due to my sex drive and also stubborn, unrelenting mind.

Now I've really "given up." A lot of people say "I give up" but don't mean it...they are just frustrated. I truly gave up and now have nothing to live for.

Before, at least, while misdirected, I had a goal, something to shoot for. Then when I realized it wasn't even what *I* truly wanted all along, now I have nothing to even fantasize about or distract me.

Sometimes this is good...I just don't give a crap at times...other times, having no direction, then seeing the world I live in on top of it, makes me want to just die prematurely.

The thing is, there really isn't anything I want out of life. I suppose I would like to move, and was happy when I traveled last year and saw more of the world, but that costs a lot of money that i don't have.

Last edited by nilescrane on 27 Sep 2011, 5:43 am, edited 1 time in total.

life will end itself, the time will come, when it's good and ready. it's not profitable to dwell upon it.

I'm sorry you feel that way about life. Perhaps your views on life will change in a few years. I hope you start feeling better soon.

Perhaps you should pursue every possible distraction that you can, and eventually, you may find a hobby that could turn into a passion. I've recently started exploring all sorts of hobbies, for example, archery, and getting better at them or finding new ways to pursue them gives me something to look forward to and something to occupy my time with.

One of the things that brings me the most pleasure out of life is waiting for and receiving my next batch of books from Amazon. I always try to structure my life so that there is something to look forward too, because once you run out of goals and expectations, what is there?

Even if it's little things, like a new book in the mail, or big things like moving up in a career, it's the looking forward that gives 'meaning' to our lives and keeps things from becoming bleak.

I have that stuff...I buy stuff from amazon all the time, win auctions on ebay, exercise/work out 4 days a week, watch TV shows, listen to music, like the taste of food etc. . but it doesn't add up.

And the thing is, anything "public" just makes me feel worse.

Try long haul trucking. You work alone 95% of the time, lots of Aspie's do this job. Some really nice prostitutes favorite truck stops, horny rich truck drivers with money to spend on them. Known as 'lot lizards' in the trucking industry.

Would- be a change...

If I had the cash to "start up" I'd probably buy a house or a plot of land in Vermont or maybe New Hampshire and call it all a day. It's tough, when to figure out the time to give up fighting and the time to fight with everyone else. My perspective was very much changed by meeting this dude http://thefourthpath.com/ here. He lives in a van. He gets by, he doesn't "compete" anymore. I really wish to stop "competing." I know how, intellectually, to be self sustaining, I know lots of stuff, have lots of plans, whatever. I don't know, maybe I'll follow through and do it, too. Maybe I'll live in a van, call myself a freegan (I am halfway anyway) and call it a day.

If you want some ideas, here's some I've been looking over.
http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_pXsytzxeY00/T ... x-0022.jpg
http://survivalplus.com/foods/toc.htm Somewhat mean spirited survivalist dude, but uh, some good advice and insight nonetheless.
http://www.woodgas.com/gasification.htm
http://freegan.info/

Just to get the wheels turning, I guess. If you do decide to go all out and live in the woods or country, don't feel bad about it. I think the decision would be brave. Sticking it out here, if you think it'll truly make you happy and be the right thing to do, and be right for you, the people you love, and God if you believe in him, then do that. But there's no shame in forgoing what's going on in the rest of the world and just living out by yourself in a place by yourself. If anything, it'll give you some rest to recuperate or reexamine your life, which is what I know I need. Then once you figure out what needs to be figured out, then go from there. Figure out if you like society and other people enough to participate in it, if you think it's worth the trouble.

Religiously, if you're religious, I know in the Protestant/Charismatic group I'm apart of (and don't know if I'm coming out of) it's encouraged that the only way to be a good Christian is a social extrovert who's great with people and sharing the Gospel by being the most friendly person ever or something. For me this wasn't working, I'm realizing my hard wiring is different from other people. But if you look at the ascetic Catholic/Orthodox monks, wow, where's their normalness? Where's John the Baptist's normalness. Again, God uses all kinds of different people to do different things.

I don't know, maybe I'm counseling myself more than you, I'm sorry.

God bless.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UvnDYnCZI0s and not to do with anything, but I just like this Romanian pop song, maybe it'll cheer you up, maybe you'll hate it. Who knows.

winston churchill said to a school full of orphan boys, "never give up. never give up. never give up." i got married to my best friend at age 52 - first mariage. he's quiet, so it's easy for him to allow me my needed alone time. and i look forward to talking to him over dinner. we share common interests. met him at work. my social skills have improved as recently as a couple of years ago - i learned to small talk. (one of my special interests is understanding and helping people, even if i'm awkward at it at times.)

maybe some sort of vounteer work would give your life meaning. for years, i got the newspaper on thursdays and over the phone recorded it for blind people to listen to. i also taught english to people from other countries for a couple of hours per week- one on one, i don't speak in front of groups voluntarily. the local animal shelter is looking for someone to do some repairs on a volunteer basis. there's a variety of ways to be useful, if you have a mind to be useful. i want to live to be 100, so i can go on TV with all the other little old centenarian ladies and reveal that my longevity secret is eating my veggies.

by the way, before we met, my husband thought his sex life was over. i convinced him to have his doc take him off SSRI antidepressants (there are antidepressants like wellbutrin that don't mess with your sex life.) now i can't keep up with him.

I don't think any of you truly understand. I'm at a point where I've fully given up on life and waiting to die. Even if I could start over as someone new, a great looking NT with full capabilities, I wouldn't want to. I've had enough of the world.

I know not all people are jerks, but an overwhelming majority gives a bad name to the people who aren't. I can't even go to a supermarket and blend in without getting made fun of by some young woman for no reason other than that I'm in their line of sight. Then I have a guy who thinks the reason I frequent his sub shop is because I'm gay and to see him (in reality I just like the food and am friendly to people.)

I wasn't meant for this rat race or to compete or to blend in with unforgiving NTs. God didn't want me to blend in.

I feel like life is one big misunderstanding.

On top of it, I'd have chemical depression anyway even if I were NT (whole family has it) and mood swings galore.

I just wish there was a "I'm done" button I could press. I'm too afraid of painful suicide and could never do it to my family anyway.

you may not feel this way forever. life has a way of changing. it's more likely to change for the positive, though, if you give it a little nudge.

i commend you for thinking about how your decisions would affect your family.