I want to die

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I am so tired. Since September of 2009 I have been trying to achieve one thing. A stable, middle class income I can rely on. I have bounced from bad job to scam job to jobs where I wasn't even paid for my time in search of this goal. Then I found it. A company that was willing to let me work and earn a loving wage where I didn't have to take peoples retirement just to make quota. I was happy for the first time in years. Happy, but also scared. You see, I've been close a few times and each let down has been more heartbreaking than the last. The final step was I needed a real estate license in order to begin work after training. Then my dreams were ripped out from under my feet. The local division of real estate needed several court documents from when I lived in Colorado to verify what I'd put on the application. HR never told me for reasons I can only imagine. It's been over a month now and I don't know when the documents I need will be there, or if I'll even have a job when I return to the office. My mom told me tonight in no uncertain terms that after this month I'm cut off. I've become a burden to her. I'm 30 years old and I can't even support myself. Everything I own with a shred of value is either in the pawn shop or in someones house because I lost the loan(I'm only able to type this because the iPhone 1 I'm using is so out of date no one will take it). I had to scrap my car(a car I'd owned for 5 YEARS and loved) because the $300 alternator went out. My $30 bike sits unused because I can't afford a $7 innertube and I have lived like this for 2 god damn years. I've often said on this forum and others the only reason I don't become an hero is because doing so would mean the forces that have made my life so miserable have won. But frankly I don't care anymore. I don't want to keep fighting. I just want to go to sleep at nights and not worry how I'm going to pay my rent. I want to be able to call my parents and not have to fight back tears as I explain yet again I have failed in my job search and need help. But most of all I want to be a productive member of society, not some parasite barely surviving off others. Dying is a relief. And I'm sick of waiting for it.

keep trying, you'll get there eventually. you've done really well to try so hard and shouldn't be ashamed that it hasn't worked out for you yet. maybe instead of aiming so high go for a lower down job first, one where you can eventually work your way up to the 'middle class' income you want? Plenty of people have a tough time finding jobs- loads of perfectly normal decent people i know are right now too- it isn't any reflection upon you or your abilities.
Hope you feel better soon

I kind of feel the same sometimes. (((((((((hugs))))))) hold on, you never know when things can change.

For me, I don't want to play this game you're trying to play.

I wanna get a plot of land in the woods, find the cheapest way to live on it, trailer, house somewhere way out cheap, make my own cargo container house, anything like that. Maybe live in an RV or large van. This power outage that happened here in CT showed me a lot, I did awesome without power and almost loved it.

I don't know, I don't know how to console or comfort people too well, but yeah. Just my thoughts. I figured out I should stop trying for "middle class" before I even started, so yeah. I guess my NVLD's "divergent" thinking probably helps me a lot.

If you want some suggestions or whatever, feel free to ask. BTW, from what I remember, inner tubes are $4 or so at Walmart. Unless you got like 700c tires, then you might need better stuff. Also patch repair kits are like 1-2 bucks if you can find the exact hole in the inner tube. I mean, in life, you can be super creative and knowledgeable with stuff, and it'll cost you less money, but more time and effort on your part. Like, did you check junkyards for the alternator? I know most junkyards charge like 30-80 bucks for alternators. I mean, it'll be a junkyard alternator, but still, better than a nonworking one. Also, if you get skilled enough, you can rebuild alternators, etc. That's sorta the route I'm taking, learn to be as self sufficient as possible in as many regards as possible, so I don't have to pay to have other people repair my stuff or prepare my stuff.

Yeah, I don't know really what to tell you, just that I'm trying to avoid living the life other people want me to have for all the reasons you said. Sorry things pan out that way, I see it so much and just don't want it at all.

Who is supposed to send you these papers and when do they imagine you should get them?

I've just figured this out recently, but you can't expect people in offices to do their jobs in life so you need to be civil with them but persistent.

You need to speak to your boss and explain the situation. Tell them you were not made aware that you would have to furnish such papers and are waiting for the appropriate offices to send them, and ask for confirmation that you will have a job once you are able to furnish them. Perhaps there is even something you can do at work in the meantime.

So many difficult things life seems to throw at once... It's tough. If you are dealing with depression, that's even harder. You're dealing with a lot. Just here to give words of support. I hope things get better for you.