Hospital

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Going in to hospital on Friday for surgery for possible cancer. Really scared and can't stop crying.
All the things I usually do to distract myself just aren't working.
I don't know what to expect, I don't know what's going to happen and I know it's going to be really hard for me.
Nothing I do makes me feel better, and I can't stop thinking the worst. There's no definite it is cancer or not yet and I just don't know how to cope with that. I know I'm best not thinking about it- but that's like telling me not to breathe.
I don't know what operation they are going to do because there's a few possibilities but they haven't decided. It ranges from keyhole just removing tumour all the way through to major abdominal surgery and me losing my ability to have children. The worst thing is that I won't know until I wake up afterwards. I can't cope with that not knowing: that's the worst thing. Not knowing, and lacking control.
I know it will be hard- hate noise, lights and lots of people. I hate people touching me, and I will find it hard communicating when I'm stressed. The hospital know about my AS, but I still don't think that will help that much.
I still have work tomorrow and don't know how I'm going to get through the day.

Don't expect any replies- just wanted to write this down... makes me feel better already.

Dear kt24, You sound intimidated by every aspect of this...do you have any family to stay with you? Have you had a scan or a biopsy? I'm sorry you're going through this.....Sylkat

The only thing I can think to say is to try to deal with things as they come. Don't focus on the worst, just do what you have to do; one thing at a time.

i wish you luck. hope you just have to get the small operation.

I hope that things go well and I have my fingers crossed for you.

thank you

So I'm back home, and it was hell, I must say. Spent most of Friday morning in varying degrees of anxiety attacks until I went for surgery. Most of Saturday, I spent crying and I still don't know exactly why.
It seems pointless to me that they knew about my AS- I don't honestly think that they took it into account at all.
I found it incredibly hard to communicate all the time I was there, and kept bursting into tears. At least I managed to cope with them touching me- I just switched off completely, and I asked them to tell me what they were going to do before they started.
It was really hard work, and I'm SO glad it's over.

They decided before I went to theatre what surgery they were doing- so at least I didn't have to deal with that.
I ended up having open surgery because of cancer risk, and they removed tumours from both sides. Thankfully, they managed to keep 90% of one ovary and about 60-70% of other- so that's good news. They found one was completely benign, and the other had a part that was borderline malignant but, because it was surrounded by benign tissue, they don't need to do anything else because it has gone.

Now I just have to get better- I think it will take me longer emotionally and mentally to recover from this than physically.

Dear kt24, we are all glad you are back home and your ordeal is over. The results are great, you must be so relieved, and welcome back to WP! Sylkat

I'm glad you made it through! It must have been hard.