nostalgia of undiagnosed childhood innocence.

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i miss the time before kindergarten when i entered public school. i have a very good memory of my childhood. i remember a lot of my pre-school. i remember playing on slides and being with other kids. there were two kids who really bullied me a lot but i didn't care and it didn't stop me from having fun. then there was this guy called Mr. Bob. he was a teachers assistant kind of person. looking back i think he was a pedophile because he liked to pick kids up put them in the sandbox and touch them. he didn't do it to me though. that's the only advantage of being ugly, you don''t get f****d with. i remember how pointless things never got old. there was this one lady who was a farmer and brought in a chickens heart to show us every few months. it never got boring. it was the same damn chicken heart every time too. when i entered public school something really changed. it was a big class and i got work. at that age i was way behind the other kids and my teacher didn't understand me so she made me do the work after school. i was isolated from the other kids because of that. and of course i have AS so that made that made it doubly worse. i also became more aware of myself and others during kindergarten. and a fair amount of my childhood innocence went away. i started to feel really left out. and i had this feeling like i had some burden or really big responsibility and i didn't know what it was. in first grade i started acting really bad and causing a lot of trouble and telling lies for fun. i also made a suicide attempt and became really depressed. i still haven't gotten over the depression. i think when it starts that young it stays with you because it affects your mind's development. idk why i posted this...

I still haven't gotten over my childhood issues either. For me the biggest problem was being left out and separated from other students. If I had a time machine I'd go back in time just to swear/throw things at teachers, principals, and important school board members. I'd have shown all the built up anger/possible violence I never had the balls to show, that way I would've been diagnosed properly by the child psychiatrist.

i actually did that and they tried to diagnose me childhood scizophrenic. good thing my dad is one of those rich aspie types and he had enough cash to override it. yeah. can't fight the system. f**k the system.

NICE LOL.
[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8GC_ylRHtZs[/youtube]
It's sad but I might've gotten more help with a childhood schizophrenia DX at the time. They ignored my case simply because I wasn't violent. If my current consciousness was sent back in time and placed in my childhood body I'd be constantly bullying the teachers not really the students. I'd be in the principal office every other day laughing at what a joke the whole system is. I'd also use my knowledge of the future to try an F with history. I feel like my childhood experiences make me feel powerless now. Like I want revenge or condolence for something that scared me and I now have no means of coming to terms with or remedying it.

i know the feeling. they would have put you in worse places if they didn't ignore you, believe me. the whole point is that the system is whack. you can't win no matter what route you take. violence will land you in some deep s**t. if you ain't violent your needs are ignored.

That's true. Although between 16 to 19 I had suicidal depression, paranoia, and teenage alcoholism. I'm over it now, I just wonder if anything could've prevented it. Of course that doesn't matter now I've seen the system as an adult and I've completely lost faith in it. It's sad but my hatred towards the system, and my will power to fight for change has ironically relieved me of all of those symptoms. I at least feel as though my life has a purpose now. There are so many different ways to stand up for your rights and I've chosen to help educate people in the system. The none violent way, but I'm still scared from my childhood.

i sometimes feel jealous of NTs who have a childhood they could take life experiences from. mine was all just f**kin with the system. i'm against autism speaks, torture and quacks now.