I need your advice about visiting my boyfriend

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I have had an on again off again relationship with a man that I am very sure has AS. We live very far apart; really the only way for me to see him is to fly to where he lives. I have done this twice, once I stayed with him and we had a great time. One time he would not see me. After that attempted visit, I wrote him an email telling him that I believe that he has AS. It was not a mean email, but I felt pretty sure he would not want to talk to me ever again. He is very sensitive to criticism and I felt sure he would take it as criticism and not as an attempt to help him. All of this happened in October of 2009.

In February 2010 I sent him a card and he began texting me. Neither of us ever mentioned what happened, it was almost like it didn’t happen. He did send very romantic texts and began hinting that he would like to see me again. I told him that I would like to see him, but then he disappeared again. The texts stopped and he would not respond to mine. I sent him an email, explaining what kind of communication that I needed from him and I asked him to please let me know if he didn’t want to be with me. I literally wrote if you do not want to be with me please just send me a text that says “I do not want to be with you.” I heard nothing back from him. We were in regular contact for about two months that time.

In September it was the year anniversary of the time we spent together. I sent him a text that said “I don’t know if you remember, but a year ago we were together. Even though we are not in each other’s lives anymore, I want you to know that the time we spent together meant something to me.” I didn’t expect a response; I did it more for me then for him. I just had to acknowledge that date. He sent me a text thanking me for my text and included a link that had some information about a sporting event that he participated in. Then two weeks later he sent me a picture of himself. His communication has been very consistent since that time. It kind of seems like he read my email from back in March regarding what I needed from him and he is trying to meet my needs.

I try to be very positive with him. I did send him a text telling him that we can talk about all of the good times we had, but we need to forget the bad times and start fresh. He didn’t acknowledge that text, but he has kept texting. I started making some videos for him, just me talking to him. He really likes them. I am hoping that if he is able to see me without the pressure of having to chat or talk with me, he will begin to get used to seeing me. He did say after I sent the first video “We really need to get together again.” I agreed, but did not push for a date or offer to be the one to travel so that we could see each other. He has told me several times that he has thought about me. He tells me when he watches my videos. He also likes for me to send him pictures and he will often text me “Hi sweetie was just looking at your pictures and want you to know I am thinking about you.”

My question is this..I am afraid that if I ask him when I can come and see him he will feel pressured and if he is not ready he will shut down. However..I am also afraid that since I didn’t say that I would be willing to come and see him that he is too embarrassed to ask, since the last time I flew to visit him things didn’t work out. I do not think he would be ready to fly to visit me, that just seems like it would be too hard for him. I do believe that he cares about me.

Does anyone have any advice? Should I bring up the visit or should I wait for him to ask? I know that this is really hard for him. It is hard for me too; I miss him a lot and would love to see him.

I posted this in the haven for two reasons:
1. I am feeling really anxious about all of this and would like some advice.
2. I wanted for some of the people who write that they are lonely and don’t think that they will ever find someone to love to know that all people can find love. Sometimes it just takes a whole lot more work than you ever expected.

That was a REALLY nice thing to do/say.



In regards to your question, I think you should bring it up, but in a low-pressure way. Something like "I've been thinking about the time we spent together last year--it would be great if we could do that again." He has said something like that already, albeit in a vague, roundabout way, so I think that now would be the time to get a little more specific.

After you say this, just wait for him to respond to it. If he doesn't, don't push. However, it'll still be in his mind. Eventually, he may bring it up himself.

You're right: with him, you need to tread lightly and be extremely patient. If you do, things should be fine.

Good luck, and take care.

Thank you very much for your advice, it is really helpful to get another perspective on the situation!

I try very hard to see things from his point of view and that is not always easy for me. I have learned over the past year that even when I don’t really understand why he acts the way he does, that there is a reason. I have to listen very closely to what he says and then try to put all of the pieces together. Learning about AS was the only way to do this. I constantly stop myself when I feel like I am getting upset and remember that AS makes communication and social interaction very difficult.

I will share something good that happened today, but I am only able to see it as good because my perspective has changed. I am again posting this because I want for people here to realize that when we begin to understand AS our perspective can change and we are willing to compromise more.

My boyfriend’s job requires him to work 24 hours shifts. I realize now that being around people in a confined living space for that long is very stressful for him. The job can also be very high pressure. He did not text me yesterday; there would have been a time that would have upset me. It only takes a few minutes to send one text, and that is how I would have viewed it. This morning he did text, right when he got off. He was on his way to participate in one of his special interests. I now know that after having a stressful interactive 24 hour shift and then being excited about what he was doing today, that it is a really big deal for him to interact with me. It is also a positive step that he decided to share with me what he is doing today and hopefully remember to let me know how he did, he is a competitive runner.

In the email I sent him back in March that was one of the things that I asked him to do. I asked him to try to share more of his life with me. I guess my point is that we are both trying harder. Equity is one thing that is important to both of us. I am trying harder to see things from his perspective and he is trying harder to do the things that I let him know that I need.

None of this has been easy and I suppose that we both could have given up, but for some reason we are still interacting. I think that there were times when we were not interacting that both of us wished that we could just forget about the other. I know that I thought that he did forget about me. Now I know he didn’t forget and that he thought about me all of the time. He had to be brave enough to tell me though, because I would never have known.

We are not the only two people who can do this, if you have AS and you want a relationship I firmly believe you can have one. If you are an NT in love with someone with AS just know they can love you back. There is so much incorrect information in the world. I asked a psychiatrist once about this situation and she advised me that he would never be able to be comfortable having these feeling about me and that when he felt them he would push me away. She said he would never be able to connect with me.

She was wrong, he does get uncomfortable but he is learning. I try to help him by giving him a lot of positive encouragement, negativity and criticism do not work. He is much too sensitive for any of that to be effective. I know that some people do not wish to have a relationship, and that is perfectly fine. But for those of you who do wish to have one you can.

I am very grateful to those of you who have been supportive and offered advice over the past year. I guess I wanted to share some of the positive things that have happened. I know that this site is used mostly by those with AS to share information with each other, but by helping to educate this NT you have allowed me to see things from his perspective in a way that has been very helpful. I still get scared, but firmly believe that being brave doesn’t mean that you are not scared to do something. It just means that you keep trying even though you are scared.

Is this psychiatrist someone you are seeing on a regular basis? If so, it's amazing that even a medical professional can have a terrible misperception about this. While connecting to you might be difficult, it is not impossible. And neither one of you have given up.

Communication between the two of you seems to be difficult. Do you ever call him? If it is difficult for you to talk to him on the phone, or even attempt to talk to him on the phone, maybe it is something for you to talk to your psychiatrist about. Perhaps your psychiatrist should be helping you with your communication issues rather than trying to read his mind on whether or not he is able to connect with you. Maybe you need to find another professional to work with (maybe even someone who specializes in Asperger's even though you are NT).

Keep working on it and I hope it goes better.

After he stopped talking to me after our first successful visit, I started to put the pieces together that something else was impacting our relationship. There were just so many things that did not make sense. I could tell that he was anxious; he does the hand flapping and rocking back and forth on his heels to calm himself. I went to the health section of the book store and was looking at books for anxiety, they were alphabetical by subject. If Asperger’s Syndrome did not start with an “A”, I’m honestly not sure I would have figured out what was going on with him. Thankfully the book was about how Asperger’s Syndrome affects adults, so many are about children. I had honestly never heard of AS and knew very little about Autism in general.

I went to see that psychiatrist to see if she could help me understand. She actually does treat a couple patients with AS and one mother who has twins with AS. After a couple of these types of interactions with her, I decided to work harder to educate myself in other ways. I have read probably 15 or so books on AS. Thankfully many are available to download on my Kindle now. I read blogs, news paper articles, forums everything that I could find to develop the best level of understanding of the Autistic Spectrum that I could.

You are correct communication between the two of us is indeed difficult. But that is a huge component of Aspergers Syndrome and I think that the degree of difficulty experienced varies greatly from person to person. Many people with AS have a very difficult time talking on the phone. The first negative interaction that we had involved the phone. He asked if he could call me and I said yes. The next day I waited for him to call. He didn’t so I sent him a text; he said that he would call in a minute. This continued for a while until I finally just called him. He was so nervous and finally just said that he had to go really quickly and hung up. Then he sent me a text that said that he thought I was very brave.

After my visit he decided that we should talk on the phone and he came up with a plan. But after a couple conversations he totally shut down. I think when he cannot do something that he knows that many people can he gets very embarrassed. I could talk on the phone to him if he was willing and if I didn’t think he would feel ashamed and embarrassed by not being able to. He is a very masculine physically strong man, not being what he perceives as “weak” is very important to him. When he feels that way, I believe that he shutsdown.

So now I just try other types of things to help improve our communication. We both have blackberry phones and text is really more like chatting on yahoo. This seems to work well for us. In the beginning we used to chat on yahoo all of the time. When he shutdown he refused to do this as well. I noticed with him that once he perceives that something has gone badly, he is very hesitant to try again.
I have another friend with AS who mentioned exposure therapy as a way to get over certain fears. That’s what got me started making a couple videos for him. I’m hoping that exposing him to seeing me, the sound of my voice..those types of things will lessen his anxiety.

When we were together things seemed very easy between us. He does not seem to have any issues with physical touch and I think that hugging me and holding my hand seemed to make him feel comfortable. He was also able to talk to me much better, although looking at me while he was talking was hard for him. When he was taking me back to the airport he was very sad and mentioned that now he would be lonely again.

I should also mention that he has never acknowledged the email that I sent to him telling him that I believe that he has AS. He has told me that I do know him very well. I’m not really sure what to make of that exactly. So for now, I just do the best that I can to try to be supportive, give positive feedback when he does something that I really like and hope for the best.

He tells me all of the time that he loved the time that we spent together and he has been in contact almost every day since this began again. Every day I find myself surprised that we are still willing to do this, but you are also correct when you said that we have not given up.

wow, what a patient lady <3

Thank you very much, I sure try to be patient!

Yes you are patient.

Is there a way you could bring up the email you sent? Something like "You never responded to the email I sent about Asperger's syndrome?" Maybe this is too direct, but an idea. AS may frighten him being "he is a very masculine physically strong man, not being what he perceives as 'weak' is very important to him." So this may be something you have to work with and he may have to overcome a bit. everything slowly and patiently.

I would gander that there are some therapies that could help him, exposure therapy being one. A lot of the phone thing is the fear of needing to think on your feet, and easily being misinterpreted and misunderstood (at least this is how it is with me sometimes, but I'm better on the phone than I used to be). Written communication fixes some of this. You can edit it and rewrite it before sending it.

I glad that you're finding books to read. I wonder if there is anything about communicating with people with AS? If so, it might be something I might want to read.

I am not even sure if he has heard of Asperger’s Syndrome and if he did any research on the subject after my email. You are correct his perception of what constitutes a weakness is something that I have to be very careful about. He is in a very masculine profession as well, and I’m sure that he may feel that his co-workers would not be supportive of him or even make fun of him.

One thing that I put in the letter was that believing that he has Asperger’s Syndrome does not in any way change the way that I feel about him. I also told him that it is nothing to be ashamed of and that there are many smart and successful people with AS.

Before he and I had any communication issues or I had even heard about AS, I told him that I knew that he felt things very strongly, and that just because he didn’t express his emotions didn’t mean he didn’t feel them. He told me I was correct and then he told me that he and I were attached. I think he began his first shutdown the next day. I was very confused.

I think that for people with AS emotions play a huge role in their ability to communicate. Many people with AS have a difficult time identifying their own feelings and then articulating them to another person. Identifying what the other person may be feeling is even more difficult. There is a workbook, it is specifically for couples but I really think many of the principles can be applied to any type of relationship where a person will be communicating with someone with AS. It is called “The Asperger Couple’s Workbook” by Maxine C. Aston. I think that there are some really good ideas for communication in the book as long as both people are willing to try something a little different.

I believe that trust is a key factor in all relationships, but especially in an AS/NT relationship. I think that as soon as my boyfriend can trust that:

I will never make fun of him

That I will not judge him

That if he makes a mistake it is o.k. and that I will make mistakes but never to purposely hurt him

That I will never leave him as long as he wants me in his life

And that he can ask me a question and I will answer it as many times as it takes for him to understand and not get mad at him
When he can trust in these things, then we will make some real progress. I have had to put so many of my fears aside and trust him first. It would be very easy to think that when he goes away for several months that he doesn’t care about me. It would be easy to think that when I traveled to see him and he wouldn’t see me that he is a jerk.

Many thanks to all of you who have been supportive of my situation! I find strength in your encouragement

Well, what do you hope by making him acknowledge that he has AS? Do you feel it's impossible to move forward unless he first realizes that about himself? If you do feel that way, I can certainly understand your perspective. My question would be, what made you initial interested in the guy in the first place? Surely it wasn't AS ... because it seems like, now, AS is definitely dominating the picture.

For me, realizing I had AS was really great at first -- and now I'm were its not so great. There are, I'm going to guess, phases of emotions that different people might have to go through? That's what I feel like is going on with me anyways - I hope that you find what your looking for in any event.

I am glad that you asked what made me interested in him in the first place. Last night I began thinking that people were going to begin to wonder about that because as I have been answering different questions I had not addressed that. The point of my OP was to ask a question, as well as let others know that there are people like me who do want to have a relationship with someone with AS and will try to learn the best possible ways to communicate and interact with people on the spectrum.

We met because he saw my profile on a website; I did not know him and was surprised to be getting his email. We do have some things in common, both of us are runners, and I thought that was why he sent the email. Really I think it was because he was trying to meet a woman.

I loved the way that he communicated, that seems rather ironic now I guess. He was always very prompt and honest with his answers. It was also very easy for him to tell me what he wanted, there were no guessing games. He made it clear that he was interested in me; he asked me if we could chat on yahoo and when we did we could do so for hours. I found his sense of humor very endearing. I was impressed with the amount of effort he was willing to put into the relationship, and I felt like he made me a priority. I was impressed by the fact that he helps his family a lot and he is a very honorable person.

That is why when he suddenly just disappeared it was so hurtful, especially because things were going really well. If he had broken things off, I would have understood, but to disappear that seemed very cowardly and to me very unlike what I expected from him.

I went to see him the first time he stopped talking to me for an explanation. I guess that’s just how I am. When something doesn’t make sense to me I usually need an answer. I told him I was coming, it was just supposed to be for the day, and that if he didn’t come to see me then I would have my answer that we were done. He did show up six hours later. My flight was actually cancelled and I stayed. He looked so anxious that I did not pressure him so much about what happened. He said enough to make me realize that he feels like I make him feel weak and that the closer he got to me the more he liked me and that this made him uncomfortable. He even said that he wasn’t going to see me, but I make him weak so he did come to the airport and that he knew if he met me in person that he would like everything about me. I said “So you weren’t going to come to see me because you knew you would like everything about me?” he said “Yes” as if that was the most logical thing. Then he told me I was a very stubborn woman. Lol He did apologize and I asked him to promise that he would not ignore me again. We had a great time together and he came up with the plan about the phone calls. He was very insistent about this plan.
I told him about AS because I think that he does things that he later becomes very ashamed of, I wanted him to understand that there is a reason. There is a reason he cannot talk on the phone and it doesn’t make him a bad person or a weak person. But I was also stranded in a city I had only been to once surrounded by a group of guys hitting on me in the hotel lobby. I think he also needs to understand that his actions do affect other people and that he should not make promises that he cannot keep. He approached me, he told me he wanted a relationship with me and then he would not break up with me or tell me what was wrong, he just disappears. That cannot continue, it is not fair to anyone that he would start up a relationship with. To be fair he doesn’t seem to start many relationships, he has had very few in his life.

This is what makes this situation difficult..I love him and if he did not have AS, then he would not be him. Then I probably would not have fallen in love with him. I honestly do not care that he can’t talk on the phone, that he is structured and that he likes to know what is going to happen and will ask me down to the smallest detail how something will happen. I don’t care that he has what can only be described as a passion for running and that involves a lot of training and time. I don’t care that he has cartoon character stickers on his car and I don’t care that he is extremely blunt when he tries to flirt in a way that might offend some. But I do care very much that he gets anxious and disappears for months at a time and will completely ignore me. I don’t know how to have a relationship with someone that will not interact with me. So then the solution is that we need to learn how to interact in ways that make him less anxious so that he will not disappear. That is why I have tried so hard to learn about AS and I guess that is why I told him. I put those types of things in the email that I sent to him.

I really don’t think that I explained how I feel about him that well. Emotions are not always easy for me to describe either. I have always believed that you show someone how you feel with actions. I think so many people have learned to speak in such a convincing way to avoid acting in one.
I hope that I have answered your question; I am glad that you asked it.

Without explaining yourself with as much detail as you have, one might find this all a bit odd. Buy hey, who is anyone to judge. Pop culture might say something like "he's not that into you." But if what you are saying is right, I don't think this is the case. In fact, he may find it hard to be as much into you as he really would like to be!

He may have lived his life believing that people really didn't like him. Then here you come liking him a lot, a total stranger. It may be hard for him to really believe. And society tells us that people like you really don't exist (and if you do, there must be something wrong with you). With all this being said, it is amazing that the two of you keep going. And for what it's worth, I don't see anything wrong with either him or you.

I also have to ask you what are you expecting to get from the relationship? I mean, getting what you want might take time. He doesn't seem to trust and might have built walls to protect himself. On the outside he acts all manly and that, but on the inside he's scared and lacking confidence. Patience must be one of your core values.

By the way, he wouldn't happen to be a firefighter (24 hour shifts, works with other strong men)?

You are correct my typical response to behavior such as this would have been that he is really not that into me. I probably would not have ever bothered to go and visit him. It is hard for me to explain why, I don’t even really know myself, but I just knew that it wasn’t the case.


I have my sad moments when I doubt my judgment, but I always come back to what I really believe about him. He is very complimentary about my physical appearance, but he often remarks about how sweet I am. Especially in the beginning, this seemed to really perplex him. He almost always refers to me as sweetie. In most texts, chat and definitely in person that is what he calls me. It makes me feel good to read what you have written, it helps to validate what I think is true.


It was also helpful to hear about how much he has thought about me over the past several months and the time that we spent together. This made me realize that it was not so easy for him to forget me.


When we first began interacting I very clearly asked him what his intentions were? Did he want to be my friend? Did he want to have a romantic relationship? His answer was, “I want everything from you.” When we would talk about what we wanted, and how we would spend our time it was very often doing things together. I was very supportive of his running and completely understood that he would need time for that. I also thought that he would want to go out with friends sometimes, and let him know that would be fine. His response was “Go out with my friends and leave you at home? No way!” This was fine with me too; I was looking forward to us being together. There are times when he sends texts that say “Just getting off of work, wish I was coming home to you.” That is what I wish for as well.


But you asked what I expect and that is a bit of a different question. When he first started contacting me again, I tried very hard not to expect anything and to be prepared for him to disappear again. Currently I actually do feel him pulling away; the texts are more infrequent and less back and forth like a chat. I believe that this idea of us getting together again has overloaded him and he is stressed out. This happens, something will be his idea and I will be supportive and then he seems to get stressed about the follow through needed by him.


I do believe that he has very strong feelings for me and he is very physically attracted to me. It seems that when he begins to tell me how he is feeling and how much he has missed me and all about the things he would like for us to be doing that these feelings overwhelm him. I don’t know if this makes sense or if anyone has experienced it but I envision that when this happens it is almost like a physical pain that he then tries to move away from. I could be incorrect, but that’s how it seems to me. I think that when I left after the first trip, that it was very hard for him and that he could not seem to envision me coming back. We planned it very carefully.. what time my plane would arrive, how many days that I would stay and what we would do.


When he is interacting with me like that, the words he uses they express a very insistent impatient kind of need. But soon after he becomes very short and kind of terse with his communication.


Physically he is pretty much touching me at all times, some part of him. When he wanted me to move closer to him and he was having a hard time communicating that to me, he just sort of picked me up and put me where he wanted me.


I can tell you that I hope very much to be with him. I would move to make that happen if we were going to be together. I told him that when I went to see him. But I do not know if he will ever let down those “walls” that you referenced and ever let me in. I think your assessment of him is very accurate and that inside he is very scared and lacks confidence.


You are also correct he is a firefighter and before that he was a Marine. I think that he understood that a part of being a Marine was that they were going to yell at him and do their best to break him down. Since he knew that, I think he was able to deal with all of the mental anguish that is part of boot camp. It was part of the rules and he understands rules.


It is interesting that he did have a girlfriend for a while when he was in his mid 20s. He told me that her friends were mean to him and “said things” I don’t know what they said, he didn’t tell me. When I asked why they would do such a horrible thing and why his ex-girlfriend let them, he said “because they knew I was tough and could take it.” Being tough is extremely important to him and I suppose he uses that as a coping mechanism. They broke up because she moved away, she told him there was “Nothing there for her.”


Thank you so much for your supportive comments. I am amazed that we keep doing this as well and I very much hope that he is not going to completely shutdown and stop communicating with me, but I have a bad feeling that he is beginning to do that right now.

I'm sorry that it seems like he's shutting down again. I'm not sure what to say about that. I do wonder if you lack some confidence in yourself. I don't mean that in a bad way. I'm just wondering if there is a way to be stronger with him. A bit of assertion may go a long way if done in the proper manner. Remind him of the steps he's taken and you don't want to see him fall back. I don't mean you have to follow my advice. I just want to give you some things to consider. Do proceed with caution.

Therapy would do him good. Getting him there could prove difficult. And it's finding the right kind of therapy with the right therapist. Do your homework on it before suggesting it.

Have confidence in yourself. That will clear your thinking and help you with setbacks.

Well it has been 3 days since I have heard from him, and that is not a good sign. You are correct that I lack confidence in my ability to know how to interact with him. In most situations I am a very confident woman and I usually can handle many things with a great deal of success. I have been assertive with him in the past, not in a mean way but in a very clear way. However that just seemed to cause the first shutdown. I am very unsure about what to do.

I know in my heart that I have tried really hard to make this work. If I am being objective about this, I know that there are things that he has to do to make this relationship work. If he can not do these things, then it never will. In the past when he has begun to pull away I have asked him what was wrong and told him how much he was hurting me. I think this time it would be best to not share these emotions with him. I also think that it would be best to not continue to send the nice texts, pics and videos. In the past once he stops responding to me, I do stop all communication, but I always get upset first and tell him that I am upset with him.

He seems to feel that things in life are just "done" to him and out of his control. He told me once he didn't plan on living his life alone and not getting married or having a family this is just what "happened" to him. He is the one who is keeping us apart. I am unsure how to make him see that though. This hasn't just "happened" he is making it this way.

What do you think of my assessment of the situation? Any ideas on getting him to see that the way we are now is his choice..not something that has been done to him?

I'm sorry he's pulling away. He's also beginning to make me mad. I know he's scared, but pony-up and ride man. And it sounds like the ride is not so bad. He may be unconsciously angry with you for challenging him to change his beliefs. I'm not sure if he sees how he's not being fair.

Giving him some space is ok, but he seems to be taking more than is needed. I'm not saying don't be patient. But you do need to balance that patience with what you want for yourself.

He needs a jolt of something, a whack on the side of the head, a kick in the seat of the pants. Right now, I'm not sure how he can get it.

Do take care of yourself, though.