Autistic in the city: why am I doing this?

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Firstly, I have not posted in the haven for about two years. I'm usually really good at coming up with my own solutions but now, I'm just stuck in a place that I fear.
I moved from a country town to a small village just outside of Sydney city. It's called a village but it's not like some isolated town with tiny cottages where everyone knows each other. As soon as I walk out of my door I'm near a busy road and people walk along it all day long. I go on walks along my street and people just stare at me. I've noticed they stare at others too. It feels so unnatural to me to stare at people for so long.

My only means of a social life (outside family) is to go to concerts but I get sensory overload from crowds and seizures from flashing lights.

I panic if I don't have a plan for the day, if I don't know what meal to make and if I'm about to run out of food. The people I live with are taking care of me but I feel so helpless, and I can't tell them even though I want to. The words just won't come.

Being on Ritalin helps me with sensory overload but makes me more anxious. It's definitely helped get me through many days though. Once my PMDD kicks in I don't know what's going to stop me from being suicidal.

I really don't know how to spend my days. Usually I write or read or watch my favourite TV shows. Maybe I could look for work but I'm not mentally fit for it right now.

I can't open up to the people I live with. I miss my mum. All I have is my cat to hug.

I totally understand what you mean by the staring. I lived in a small country town last year and I remember that though it was a gossipy place, people didnt really look at me on the street.

It was really laid back and people just werent staring types. But now that I am back in an urban setting, I couldnt help notice that people really stare here!

They all stare. Everyone has to look at everyone else and what they are wearing and all that...

this might sound counterintuitive, but you might do well in a larger centre. i have lived in both cities and villages/hamlets, and overall the cities were less personal in terms of people staring and such.

in the villages, everyone seemed to up in everyone else's business and seemed to care overmuch about every small thing. i felt like i had no privacy at all. in the city, i am anonymous - i have lived in the same house for 3.5 years and do not even know my neighbours' names. and nobody really cares what anyone else is doing or wearing here in the city. it's not that it is completely cold - we shovel each other's sidewalks of snow, and we give each other a boost if the car battery dies, but that's it - civil good samaritans.

i never got over the feeling of exposure in the villages/hamlets. after 5 years i was still uncomfortable and i think i will never stop living in a city of some kind now.

you might want to spend more time in the city in places like the library or atrt gallery, just to get out and connect with people. or take an evening class if you can afford it.

(((hugs))) i hope it goes better for you.

Thanks. I have calmed down since about it. I still feel really awkward around the village. It does seem to me that people are elite over here.

In the small town I lived at people did look at you but they'd actually say hi, especially if you were up before 8am. I kind of miss that. People here are snobby.

I've got family around and I will begin to go out more. The city is loud and crowded but I'll have to venture there if I'm ever to get used to it.

I feel more alien here than I did in my small town despite not knowing anyone else with autism. Now I can see what people mean when they say 'NT society.' I want to just turn off again and stop caring about fitting in. It's hard though because people don't believe I could be autistic and don't even think I have ADHD despite knowing I take Ritalin for it.
My immediate family knows and understands and they live around the city (except my sister who really gives me a hard time about it).
I've found that knowing that I'm autistic and ADHD and knowing why I'm different and what I'm limited by really helps get me through this.

I'm now able to go buy myself things that I need and usually put a plan in place for the day. There's a lot less structure living here so sometimes I forget it but it does make me try harder next time. Without my Ritalin it would be 10 times as hard.

My opinions have started to surface and when people disagree I get really frustrated. I know, I should realise that some people have different opinions to mine but when the subject is really close to my heart I can't help but get angry.

If I didn't have this forum I would just lose it. The first couple days living here I just had meltdowns and shut downs daily.

You may get used to it. Then again you may decide it is not the place for you. I think where I live is really really unideal for me personally but I cant afford to move. I loved living in a big city because I felt that people were all to busy to take much notice of me but here there is this real funny "Keeping Up with the Joneses" vibe hence everyone checking everyone out. In the country everyone was gossiped about a lot, but you didnt get to hear the gossip so it didnt bother....

Do you know anyone in your new village?

Not outside of my house.

I walked half way to where my brother lived (it was hot and really far) and it just seemed quieter.
I'm getting used to the snooty village. There's not a lot of space to move too. There's cafes with outdoor sitting areas and people bring their dogs with them. And the traffic, my god - kill it. I'm not game enough to cross without the little green man.
I won't move for some time. It was hell moving in. I still have my clothes in plastic boxes.

My sister lives in Sydney but it's far away and I really hate getting into arguments with her.

Still, I'm am going to have dinner with my friend tonight. Motivation: Hardly any food in the house and I'm very hungry.