I understand that the title of this post may not have the same meaning for other aspies, but in so many ways, I literally hate my family. I am so sick and tired of being treated like s**t. I am sitting here, my head feels like it is quaking, I almost cannot think straight.
Anyways, I have been through so much hell with my so-called family. I was told I "would never amount to anything" as a child and that my behavior was weird. I've felt so out of place in the family. My family life has been unsteady since I was eleven, because that was the year my family moved to a different state. Now that I look back, my life before that move was relatively idyllic. After that move, everybody changed. My dad became detached from the family, absorbed in his work. My mom went from being a moderate catholic to a fundamentalist Christian. I really didn't fight with my sisters before the move. After, the youngest one (the person who makes my life a living hell) began to fight with me and call me a prince and say that she was jealous of me because I was supposedly getting better treatment from my dad (me and him have never seen eye to eye). My dad's a Nisei (second generation Japanese-American) who grew up in the 1950s on a farm in Utah. You would think he would be opposed to prejudice and racism, but he often excoriates minorities (black, hispanics, and middle easterners) and rarely can be a patronizingly sexist dolt. My mom, on the other hand, was a Portuguese/german who grew up in a tempestuous family situation. My grandmother was abusive (My mother told me a story about my grandpa going down to the root cellar to drink a beer, and she would try to go down and yell and throw dishes at him).
For reasons I would rather not discuss, my mom ran off with my sisters to Egypt when I was eighteen. Because I wanted to be independent, I moved to New Jersey and lived with a roommate (he was very abusive and denied I had Aspergers). Things got so bad that I decided to stay with my older sister and my aunt for another month. I found out my aunt was a fundamentalist nut who got mad and told me that she wondered about my own religious commitments. I wavered in Christianity after being around her, before finally becoming an agnostic.
I'm the only son in my family. I have two older sisters (from my dad's previous marriage) and two younger sisters. I've had a good relationship with the older of the two younger sisters. She will listen to me and give me the time of day (although I feel like I can't discuss politics, religion, or my sexual orientation with her). But the youngest one, she has made my life a hell. After my dad gained custody of my sisters, she would frequently argue with him. She would take a certain statement out of context and completely blow it out of proportion, making all sorts of accusations that my dad was saying something he didn't. She drank alcohol and (I found a bong in her drawer) maybe did drugs. She didn't like me because I came back to my dad first, and without fighting him. She also didn't like that I was so quiet and spent all of my time in my room playing video games, reading, or watching tv/anime.
2 years ago, after both of my sister became adults and had finished school, me, my dad, and my two sisters moved back to our old home state. My youngest sister became romantically involved with one of her childhood friends. They eloped and she got pregnant. I don't want to remember all of the awful fights her and my dad had during that tempestuous winter. It looked like she was going to move out and move to another state. After a month of marriage, she began fighting with her boyfriend and she eventually divorced him (it turned out he was a drug dealer and a white supremacist, which is odd given the cultural dynamics of the relationship). Anyways, my dad retained a lawyer for her and she divorced him.
Unfortunately, my youngest didn't move out, and had her baby in August 2010. She started out taking care of her son. But she would yell at him if he woke up in the middle of the night. Also, she never really develpped a sense of responsibility. Ever since, I have had to watch him when I am not in college or when I get home for the day. Even when she's home, she makes my dad watch her son. If we go out and do something, it is me unbuckling him and carrying him. I cannot do anything right. If he falls accidentally and I can't reach him in time, she will accuse me of not watching him. Yet, its okay for her to yell at him to shut the f--k up when he gets fussy. Although she is in school, she comes home and sleeps or plays around on Facebook all the time.
The whole thing of taking care for her son, I've kept myself sane by just not talking to her. Everything that comes out of her mouth makes me uneasy. Only a month after her son was born, the demands of helping her out (whether its taking care of her son or letting her use my computer whenever hers breaks down) got to be too much. I went psychotic on the family dog and almost strangled him. I decided to stay with the family of a fellow aspie. I decided to try and move out, but to make a long story short, my plans for moving out while I am in college never made any progress. I was repeatedly denied for SSI and work-study doesn't pay enough for me to live on my own and working with so many upper division courses really is hard.
Anyways, I'm in such a conundrum. I'm only 3 weeks and one semester away from graduating with my bachelor's degree. I plan on devoting all of my attention to moving out once I graduate next May. I just need to have some personal space, where I can do what interests me and is good for me (i.e., taking walks, watching tv, playing video games with friends, reading classic and science fiction literature, and other things). To be honest (although I haven't fully represented the problem in this post), I would just like to break off relations with my youngest sister if/after my dad dies. I am tired of being treated like s**t by her and deprived of my rights in the name of maintaining stability.
Anyways, this family has driven me insane. I even dread coming home and having to be with them all day.
20 Nov 2011, 12:52 am
I moved in with my boyfriend's family, the mum and his brother hate me, I've been called abusive names by both of them on a regular basis. I keep to myself and stay out of trouble until I can get a place of my own. You just need support irl, it's what keeps me from going insane
