Advice Please - too much drama for me

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sufi
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11 Nov 2011, 9:23 pm

Back ground info:
Sue and John are married with two children.

They work together in the family business.

Sue is and has always been mean when things don't go her way. She seems to know just what to say that will hurt the most. She can say 'Please excuse me' but it sounds like ' get the fcuk out of my way'.

Sue and John's marriage has been OK til the last year, hitting a rough patch.

7 months ago John's sister, Jane age 30, moved cross country to leave problems and get her self together. She moved in with them. She thinks she has been helpful while there. She has been earning some money.

Things were OK til last month. Now Sue and John want her to do more to get on her feet and be more mature as she has not been all that helpful.

Yesterday John tried to talk to Jane. Jane over reacted and left the house upset.
Today they talked again and things seemed OK.

However, after they talked, Jane heard from someone who heard from Mary, that Sue told Mary, 'Jane needs to get the fcuk out of my house'

Now Jane does not want to go back and is at my house to stay for a week or two until she goes back cross country.

If I tell John what was said, it could be the last straw in the marriage.
If I tell Sue, she will blame someone else, freak out on Mary, not take my advice, and not see the harm she has done.

Please, I am the monkey in the middle. How do I handle this. Should I say anything at all? What do I say to Jane? Do I try to help her? What do I do?
I am so confused and stressed.

I know John will ask me and what do I tell him


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MikeB2of10
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11 Nov 2011, 9:38 pm

Tell John if he wants to know anything, talk to Jane. His family, their problem, you value their friendship and because of that you have to leave it a family situation. You've been very nice letting her stay there, make sure there is a firm deadline.



sufi
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11 Nov 2011, 10:06 pm

Thank you.
As I finished typing I felt the best thing is stay out of it as much as possible.
Hard to do.


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zen_mistress
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13 Nov 2011, 4:30 am

I agree. Just let her stay with you and otherwise stay out of it. They will sort out their own family issues...


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OneStepBeyond
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13 Nov 2011, 9:18 am

you typed that out very clearly for such a complicated story! appreciated

i agree with everyone else, tell him to speak to Jane and Sue because you don't want to get involved in family issues



WorldsEdge
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13 Nov 2011, 8:52 pm

sufi wrote:
However, after they talked, Jane heard from someone who heard from Mary, that Sue told Mary, 'Jane needs to get the fcuk out of my house'


I think John, Sue and Jane all need to get on the same page about this part before anything else happens. I'm not saying that Mary and "someone"(?) are necessarily bad people or anything like that but Jane didn't even hear about this second hand. She got it THIRD hand. The story might have gotten garbled in transmission, Sue might have just been blowing off steam when she said whatever she said, who knows?

I realize it sounds like Sue is a bit of a prickly pear, probably not the sort of person I'd want to spend much time around, but it also sounds like she's not the sort to shirk confrontation, either. IOW, if she really, truly did have a big-time issue w/Jane in her house, she'd say it. Either to Jane directly, or at a minimum to her husband...and force him to deal w/it.

Quite frankly, I think Jane jumped to a set of conclusions on the basis of insufficient evidence. I'm not saying they're the wrong conclusions, but I'd say at this point unless Mary and "someone" are human tape recorders capable of reproducing Sue's words verbatim (technically Sue ---> Mary ---> "someone" ----> Jane, but you know what I mean, I think) I'd almost go so far as to say Sue is the one being treated unfairly here.

And the other thought that occurred to me: How trustworthy are Mary and "someone" in the first place? I mean, if Sue said to Mary what she did in confidence, and the first thing Mary does is blab it to someone else, I'd start having my doubts about Mary. Unfortunately, I've known one or two people in my life who seem to get some strange kick with turning other people's lives into bad soap operas. Mary may be like that, or she may just be incapable of keeping her trap shut. Ditto "someone."


Quote:
Now Jane does not want to go back and is at my house to stay for a week or two until she goes back cross country.


If Jane is the sort who believes uncorroborated third hand gossip, (and, yes, even if it is the sort of thing it would be believable for Sue to say, this is still uncorroborated) to storm out of her brother and sister-in-law's house, quite frankly it probably would be better for John and Sue's marriage if she left. It certainly sounds like it doesn't take much to set her off.

And finally, suppose Mary's story is complete BS? Or "someone's," if Jane would be unlikely to discuss the matter with Mary? What, then? (And what business of theirs is it in the first place?) At a minimum Jane would owe Sue an apology, certainly. Would it be forthcoming?

And on your end, I hope "a week or two" really does mean that. I mean, when she came to live with her brother and sister in law did she tell them she planned on staying with them for 7 months minimum, maximum undefined? Might be interesting to find that out, before two weeks turns into three months or six months or whatever. Maybe you could ask Mary or "someone" if you'd rather not approach John, Jane or Sue? After all Mary and "someone" are apparently privy to a great deal of information. Or did you lay down the law up front, and tell her she had to be out the door by date X at the latest?

Quote:
If I tell John what was said, it could be the last straw in the marriage.


Why? Even though he has a wife with a barbed tongue, she's also put up with her sister-in -law for 7 months now. Maybe at this point she's entitled to a gripe or two?

Quote:
If I tell Sue, she will blame someone else, freak out on Mary, not take my advice, and not see the harm she has done.


Blame someone else for what? And if Sue told Mary something in confidence, and Mary agreed to keep it, why SHOULDN'T she "freak out" on Mary? And what "harm" has she done? Quite frankly, I'm not seeing it. She opened her house to her sister-in-law, let her stay for 7 months. Presumably she's not been the most gracious hostess, but I'd consider that pretty far down the "harm" scale. And what advice would you offer Sue? I'd personally start with advising her not to confide anything to Megaphone Mary again, but that's me. What would say?

Quote:
Please, I am the monkey in the middle. How do I handle this. Should I say anything at all?


Say nothing. And if Mary or some other blabbermouth has vicious stories to tell in the future (true or false), kindly ask her/them to find another audience. If they persist anyway, tell them whatever you tell me is going right back to who it is about. And that your source [Mary] will be included in said information.

Quote:
What do I say to Jane?


Ask her if she can count to 14. Then point to the date on the calendar when she moved in with you. Then point to the date that is 14 days from that date. Then tell her, "Just so there's no misunderstanding or confusion, I am expecting you to be on your way back cross-country by that date. Does this make sense?" If your question is met with a stream of BS devoid of specifics, congratulations, you'll know with perfect certainty you're being played. If she counters with a date two, fourteen, or whatever days after that, well, do what you want. Hell, do what you want even if you do know you're being played. At least you'll have no illusions on that score.

Quote:
Do I try to help her?


You ARE helping her, by giving her a roof to sleep under for two weeks. What other "help" does she need? She walked out of her brother's house based on unconfirmed third hand gossip, so obviously shelter is not one of her high priorities.

Quote:
What do I do?
I am so confused and stressed.


Personally, I'd want it straight in my head that Jane isn't playing me. (See above.) Then, insofar as possible stay OUT of it.

Quote:
I know John will ask me and what do I tell him


What will John ask you? And why you? Anyway, I'd personally plead ignorance (whether true or false) and suggest he get the stories from the people DIRECTLY involved. That way nothing gets garbled in transmission.

Might get a bit sticky if he starts reeling off the story as he sees it. If you've got some chronic medical condition that could be exacerbated by emotional overload, play that card. Tell him your XYZ is acting up, and stuff like this only makes it worse.


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OliveOilMom
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13 Nov 2011, 10:10 pm

Stay out of it completely. If asked by anybody for an opinion, information, anything like that, say "I don't get involved in other people's situations" If they keep on, tell them "I'm sorry, I don't have a dog in this fight" and leave the room if they keep on. Let those two comments be your only answer to them. Don't even answer yes or no that you have heard anything. Stay completely and totally out of it. Be a good host to your guest, make it clear that you will be glad to do things with her, but you will not discuss the matter nor do you want to even hear her discuss it.

Frances



sufi
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16 Nov 2011, 8:00 pm

Oh, Lawdy,
So it is five days later.
Over the weekend John and Jane talked. Jane told him what she 'heard' his wife say, and of course John told Sue. Sue never said it. Mary never heard it. Everything was a lie.

John talked again to Jane and found she has been abusing prescription medication and admitted she did not want help.
Jane left for the coast.
Turns out she threw Mary and a couple other people under the bus.
Sue and John found pills in their couch and in a borrowed purse.
John is devastated. He had been beaten as a child and thrown out of the house at 13.
He has had little contact with his family and each time they let him down.
He desperately wanted a relationship with his little sister and now she has broken his heart.
Despite his family he grew into a good man, hard worker and fabulous father.
I reaffirm we are his family and we love him dearly.
It will take a while to clean up the emotional mess.

Lesson learned again -- druggies lie every-time.


_________________
If you have one option you have an obsession.
If you have two options you have a delema.
If you have three options you have a choice.
Look for three or more options.
"I'm not too crazy about reality, but it's the only place to get a decent meal.