My Gosh, why is this so scary?

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Saxgrrrl
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23 Nov 2011, 6:11 pm

So, my NT step mom has been pushing me to get into college and get all of these things taken care of that she thinks I should be excited about. Personally, it scares me to death to imagine that I'm growing up. It was a huge ordeal when I first got my driver's license because I just had the permit forever and had no interest in actually getting a license. A huge part of all this is that I don't know how to do these things, and I absolutely despise asking questions. I am a watch and follow the lead sort of person. Asking questions is the last thing I will ever do. What's even worse is the way both of my parents expect me to do it is to contact people. Talking on the phone is right on that despised list, next to asking questions. Going into a building and looking for information or doing something is even worse because I don't know the protocol! I don't want to look like I'm an idiot, and then when I do ask for help, I've noticed that they all give me that blank look for a good 10 seconds before deciding what they need to say, like I'm an alien and should know what's going on.
Basically, I'm scared and nervous and anxious, in a new place because we moved earlier this year, trying to decide on a college to go to, expected to be an adult, and I don't know what to do, and am trying to go with the flow which has always worked before. I know I need to do these things and I will get them done, but my step mom is acting like I should be jumping for joy and including them with every single little detail and going out and asking every single little question when I don't even know what to ask! I can't really talk to her freely or else she would become offended, and I haven't had a chance to talk privately with my dad, who's an Aspie too, about all of this
I'm not saying that I am looking for motivation to go do these things and take care of them, because I've got enough motivation, and these things will get done. I'm just asking for a way to get over fears of dealing with people when I have no clue what's going on and wishing that I knew what to do when the people I do ask for help give me that look like they don't know.
And I have been ranting, and don't even know what I want to ask anymore. I am just scared and overwhelmed and sick or everyone saying "this is the most exciting time of your life." This is not. It is not exciting to grow up. It is not exciting in the least. It just means you get responsibility and are expected to know what to do, but when you're like me and don't know what to do or how to do something or why you need this thing or that thing or are confused as to why your parents think you need to call everyone and go talk to people when everything could be answered on the internet....
Just ranting and overwhelmed and need help sorting all this out.



BigBadBrad
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23 Nov 2011, 6:50 pm

Saxgrrrl wrote:
I absolutely despise asking questions. I am a watch and follow the lead sort of person. Asking questions is the last thing I will ever do. What's even worse is the way both of my parents expect me to do it is to contact people. Talking on the phone is right on that despised list, next to asking questions. Going into a building and looking for information or doing something is even worse because I don't know the protocol! I don't want to look like I'm an idiot, and then when I do ask for help, I've noticed that they all give me that blank look for a good 10 seconds before deciding what they need to say, like I'm an alien and should know what's going on.

I feel the exact same way. I hate phones, even got rid of my cell. Strange places, asking questions, all that. I always feel like I'm missing some vital instructions or information in strange public places.
As far as fear about going to college or change in general in concerned, I think NTs don't understand why many of us have the fears and anxiety you speak of, and since they can't understand it they dismiss it and expect you to feel how they would feel. I remember starting university, same scared thing, and nobody seemed to get why I didn't want things to change, that things were normal at home. I had my GF with me when I moved to school, without her I would have been screwed.
If you end up going, it can help you get over (some of) the fear to setup support for yourself before you go. If you have an official DX or will get one, then you could look into the disability support services available when considering schools. You can often register with them before school starts, and have councilling arranged early on as well. I am not sure where you are, but in Canada schools are becoming increasingly aware of ASD students and appropriate support. You might also consider an online school, there are credible ones out there, depending on what you want to study.
As far as the problems dealing with people and places, and those fears and anxieties, I am just trying to start small, and work my way out of my comfort zone, and hopefully expand it. I only recently got a DX, and now that I sort of understand why I have those problems, my GF and I are trying to compensate. I've tried to get over these in the past, but I think I always tried for too much too soon, and it turned me off of leaving the house for a long time.
All-in-all, you know you best, don't rush in before you're ready, and at the same time, don't sell yourself short. Change is scary, and may seem unnecessary, but it can open a world of opportunity for you, which you can take or leave when you finish, but at least you'll have the option. I mostly suggest that if you do, you get councilling and support, right away, since they can help you manage the things that can otherwise seem overwelming, and in general help you "keep your feet on the ground". Some people are hesitant to seek councilling, but to speak figuritively, when you are an ASD student walking a path paved for NTs to walk, sometimes you need someone to help you keep in stride.
Wow, this post got out of hand...



psayles56
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23 Nov 2011, 9:11 pm

Saxgrrrl wrote:
So, my NT step mom has been pushing me to get into college and get all of these things taken care of that she thinks I should be excited about. Personally, it scares me to death to imagine that I'm growing up. It was a huge ordeal when I first got my driver's license because I just had the permit forever and had no interest in actually getting a license. A huge part of all this is that I don't know how to do these things, and I absolutely despise asking questions. I am a watch and follow the lead sort of person. Asking questions is the last thing I will ever do. What's even worse is the way both of my parents expect me to do it is to contact people. Talking on the phone is right on that despised list, next to asking questions. Going into a building and looking for information or doing something is even worse because I don't know the protocol! I don't want to look like I'm an idiot, and then when I do ask for help, I've noticed that they all give me that blank look for a good 10 seconds before deciding what they need to say, like I'm an alien and should know what's going on.
Basically, I'm scared and nervous and anxious, in a new place because we moved earlier this year, trying to decide on a college to go to, expected to be an adult, and I don't know what to do, and am trying to go with the flow which has always worked before. I know I need to do these things and I will get them done, but my step mom is acting like I should be jumping for joy and including them with every single little detail and going out and asking every single little question when I don't even know what to ask! I can't really talk to her freely or else she would become offended, and I haven't had a chance to talk privately with my dad, who's an Aspie too, about all of this
I'm not saying that I am looking for motivation to go do these things and take care of them, because I've got enough motivation, and these things will get done. I'm just asking for a way to get over fears of dealing with people when I have no clue what's going on and wishing that I knew what to do when the people I do ask for help give me that look like they don't know.
And I have been ranting, and don't even know what I want to ask anymore. I am just scared and overwhelmed and sick or everyone saying "this is the most exciting time of your life." This is not. It is not exciting to grow up. It is not exciting in the least. It just means you get responsibility and are expected to know what to do, but when you're like me and don't know what to do or how to do something or why you need this thing or that thing or are confused as to why your parents think you need to call everyone and go talk to people when everything could be answered on the internet....
Just ranting and overwhelmed and need help sorting all this out.


I stopped going to college the first semester.
I hated it.

I ended up taking a dental assisting course.
I was working but I got sick and had to stop.
I don't think I will ever get my license I have had my permit for 2
years.
I don't know what to do with my life. I would like to get ssi if I could because I can not socialize and have a lot of other issues.

I am trish by the way. :)



Chronos
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24 Nov 2011, 12:09 am

Dealing with people usually becomes a lot less "scary" when you know how.

Social interaction is not completely random. There are rules. They aren't fixed or concrete and they are not always followed but there are ways people are generally expected to act in certain situations.

You do not have to be a particularly social adult, but you do have to know how to conduct certain aspects of business, such as purchasing goods and services, paying bills, and so on. For example, say you wanted to open up a checking account. You would generally navigate this situation as such.

1. Walk into the bank and look around like you need help. If no one approaches you and asks if they can help you, approach someone who is sitting at a desk in the main area of the bank, or one of the tellers.

2. State your need: "Hello, I'd like to open a checking account."
You don't have to be shy about stating this as it's not an unusual question in such a situation in the least bit, and bank employees are trained....or "programmed" to receive such a question.

At this point you will be directed to someone who can help you or the individual you approached will help you. If you are directed to someone, be sure to inform that person of your objective if they have not been informed by someone else.

You will generally have to deposit a certain amount of money upon opening the account, and the banker will generally tell you the terms and conditions of the account.

Questions you should ask if you are not told:
"Is there a maintenance fee?"
"Is there overdraft protection, and if so, how much?"
"Are there overdraft fees, and if so, how much?"
"How much are the checks, and how do I order them?"

You may also want to ask questions pertaining to an atm card or debit card that might be associated with it.



Raven_Morris
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26 Nov 2011, 9:56 pm

Chronos wrote:
1. Walk into the bank and look around like you need help.


If they are anything like me, then the root problem is not wanting to impose on others, because of past social problems caused by not knowing the appropriate limits in social situations.

For me, I am fine if people phone me up, but I have a lot of difficulty volunteering to phone someone up, and possibly annoying them. In person I do much better, as I have learned to read body language... however, try to send me into a new place that I have never been before, and unless I am in "super high energy mode" I just can't feel comfortable with so many unknown variables to keep track of.

Normal people use emotional cues to understand procedure and boundaries, we use consciously constructed behaviours. The more "new" a situation is, the more unpredictable, and therefore more difficult to handle without focusing intensely on emotional cues.

For me, the very last thing I would want to do in any new place, would be to stand out in the crowd as someone that doesn't know the local procedures. Businesses and organisations that don't let you mill about and observe the procedure are far too common today, and it's nerve-wracking.


SOLUTION: Bring someone you trust with you.

:-)

After the first once or twice in the new place, you'll have figured out the procedures and will be fine going back on your own.


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