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I don't want my brother to end up like me...

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Sweetleaf
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29 Nov 2011, 10:07 am

But I feel like he might end up having a lot of issues.....especially if he is anything like me.

He's 9 and my moms boyfriend who helps watch him and stuff screams at him and criticizes him a lot, like yesterday my brother forgot to turn of some light or something and apparently it was not the first time but it was a rather simple mistake I mean I forget things like that all the time and yelling at me would not help. So anyways my moms boyfriend was pretty much screaming at him and accusing him of intentionally forgetting and then yelled at him for turning it off when it was mentioned. I just don't think its very good for him to have someone so intolarent taking care of him. So I ended up yelling at my moms boyfriend and even did an impression of what he does to my brother to try and get the point across that its not a very good way for him to deal with things. All that accomplished it seemed was pissing him off but my brother though my impression was funny. lol

Then today I get up to go down stairs......and after a couple minutes my brother starts talking about food not sitting well, which I don't know if he was just complaining to complain or whatever but my moms response was 'yeah he's a complainer.' and it kinda pissed me off so I was being rather blunt and said 'well actually I think he's my brother.' I mean I just know when I was a kid and mom or other people would stay stuff like that I always ended up taking it to heart which I feel like my brother could be doing. And what if he does have food sensativities? I just feel like the constant criticizm and generalizations probably don't help him, and it seems like my mom and her boyfriend just don't try very hard to actually know him they are quicker to just blame whatever flaws they find in him.

I don't know what to do because whenever I talk to my mom about her boyfriend screaming at my brother he always changes the story a bit and then my mom ends up getting mad at me for criticizing her boyfriend......and I can only imagine how mad she would be if I told her she should not call her kids names because it's hurtful I mean to me saying 'you are a 'insert not so nice phrase/word/ect.' usually is going to cause hurt feelings especially for a kid. So yeah it bothers me and I don't know what I can do about it.


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Sweetleaf
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29 Nov 2011, 10:56 am

and just thought of this, but this will probably be why I get kicked out of the house if nothing else.

luckily I have other places I am welcome.


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nymph_in_yellow
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29 Nov 2011, 12:09 pm

Hi

I sort of know how you feel...
All I can say is, try (I know it's nearly impossible, but try) not to take things so personally (although they are meant to be that way). You should not get in between your mother and her boyfriend (because you will probably not win). Just tell yourself and your brother you are not to blame, what they say isn't necessarily "the truth", but only their limited version of it (you should almost feel sorry they cannot understand lol)
I think I'm not really making myself clear, but the most important thing is that YOU support your brother, so he will not feel alone and he will not start to think he's a horrible person or whatever...
and he knows you are there for him and he can always rely on you (if things get worse).



Sweetleaf
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29 Nov 2011, 12:22 pm

nymph_in_yellow wrote:
Hi

I sort of know how you feel...
All I can say is, try (I know it's nearly impossible, but try) not to take things so personally (although they are meant to be that way). You should not get in between your mother and her boyfriend (because you will probably not win). Just tell yourself and your brother you are not to blame, what they say isn't necessarily "the truth", but only their limited version of it (you should almost feel sorry they cannot understand lol)
I think I'm not really making myself clear, but the most important thing is that YOU support your brother, so he will not feel alone and he will not start to think he's a horrible person or whatever...
and he knows you are there for him and he can always rely on you (if things get worse).


Well I was more getting between my moms boyfriend and my brother.......I mean he was pretty much in his face screaming at him for forgetting some minor little thing. But yeah I'll try to be there for him and all, but I am not doing so awesomely myself so I don't know how much I can be relied on.


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nymph_in_yellow
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29 Nov 2011, 12:42 pm

yes well if you get between your moms boyfriend and your brother, your mom will probably be taking it personally herself? I thought she was yelling at your brother as well, so I thought it was like she and her boyfriend were one front against you and your brother?
I understand you can't support your brother the best you can if you're having a hard time yourself, but at least he will know you are taking his side. I think that's quite important at his age.
Also, I think it's really good you care so much about him (also for your own development...if you're depressed or something and you know your brother 'needs' you, you have a greater chance of not giving up too easily...)

as you probably know screaming at eachother doesn't help, it can only make things worse I think. Although it can be a relief! :)

In case I got it all wrong: If you and her boyfriend have a fight, how does your mother react?
Does she admit he's being irrational? or does she tell you to shut up?



Sweetleaf
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29 Nov 2011, 1:09 pm

nymph_in_yellow wrote:
yes well if you get between your moms boyfriend and your brother, your mom will probably be taking it personally herself? I thought she was yelling at your brother as well, so I thought it was like she and her boyfriend were one front against you and your brother?
I understand you can't support your brother the best you can if you're having a hard time yourself, but at least he will know you are taking his side. I think that's quite important at his age.
Also, I think it's really good you care so much about him (also for your own development...if you're depressed or something and you know your brother 'needs' you, you have a greater chance of not giving up too easily...)

as you probably know screaming at eachother doesn't help, it can only make things worse I think. Although it can be a relief! :)

In case I got it all wrong: If you and her boyfriend have a fight, how does your mother react?
Does she admit he's being irrational? or does she tell you to shut up?


No he rarely yells at my brother that way in front of my mom.....basically I was upstairs listening to thrash metal and heard him yelling(yes I could here him over the thrash metal I was listening to if you know anything of that genre that says a lot.) So I ignored it that time, then I went downstairs and thats when he was screaming at my brother for forgetting to turn of the light or whatever. So I yelled at him for yelling at my brother. That was yesterday.

Then today I did not like how my mom worded what she said to my brother....I mean I think its better to say things like. 'you need to quit complaining so much' rather than 'you're a complainer.'........I mean when I was a kid I took things like that personally even if I did not show it on the outside and I think that is what my brother does to so I just don't want him taking stuff like that too hard. I mean that's not as bad as the yelling.....I can't expect people to word things perfectly 24/7 especially if its my mom but I just wish I could make her understand that sometimes comments like that do more harm than good. But then of course I would have to bring up how it effected me and then she would think I'm accusing her of causing all my problems and that mess would probably be even worse for my brother to deal with.

and sometimes she agrees with me when I argue with her boyfriend.....but then the next day or whatever she'll tell me how I shouldn't yell at him and stuff.


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nymph_in_yellow
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29 Nov 2011, 1:34 pm

Is there any chance you could talk to your mum about it?
I mean tell her you feel she should phrase things differently because your brother is sensitive or something and you suspect it might affect him negatively?
(I completely agree with you, but not everyone understands the importance of words)
If she cares about him, she might make an effort...

as for the yelling...wow! that's worse...I understand now why you yelled back at him!


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AngelKnight
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30 Nov 2011, 7:02 am

Sweetleaf wrote:
I don't know what to do because whenever I talk to my mom about her boyfriend screaming at my brother he always changes the story a bit and then my mom ends up getting mad at me for criticizing her boyfriend......and I can only imagine how mad she would be if I told her she should not call her kids names because it's hurtful I mean to me saying 'you are a 'insert not so nice phrase/word/ect.' usually is going to cause hurt feelings especially for a kid. So yeah it bothers me and I don't know what I can do about it.


If the two "adults" in your life insist on being pricks, perhaps all you can do is let your brother know your door is open for him (metaphorically if not literally), and follow up whenever you're able.

Given that I'm not necessarily in the same headspace as yourself, I can't provide proscriptive advice, only experience that some of the strongest regrets in my own life were looking back on times when I could have sheltered another person from unnecessary harm and ended up doing nothing.

(mean note: As an aside, to demonstrate to the folks what it's like to have food incompatibilities, slip exlax into dinner one day for mom and boyfriend. Describe what you've done after they've had several mouthfulls. And as they writhe, explain that for some folks normal food can be as bad as that at *every meal*.) [1]

[1] Don't really do this :) I'm just letting off steam. /me picks up his reason on the way out of The Haven.



shrox
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30 Nov 2011, 7:52 am

Sweetleaf wrote:
But I feel like he might end up having a lot of issues.....especially if he is anything like me.

He's 9 and my moms boyfriend who helps watch him and stuff screams at him and criticizes him a lot, like yesterday my brother forgot to turn of some light or something and apparently it was not the first time but it was a rather simple mistake I mean I forget things like that all the time and yelling at me would not help. So anyways my moms boyfriend was pretty much screaming at him and accusing him of intentionally forgetting and then yelled at him for turning it off when it was mentioned. I just don't think its very good for him to have someone so intolarent taking care of him. So I ended up yelling at my moms boyfriend and even did an impression of what he does to my brother to try and get the point across that its not a very good way for him to deal with things. All that accomplished it seemed was pissing him off but my brother though my impression was funny. lol

Then today I get up to go down stairs......and after a couple minutes my brother starts talking about food not sitting well, which I don't know if he was just complaining to complain or whatever but my moms response was 'yeah he's a complainer.' and it kinda pissed me off so I was being rather blunt and said 'well actually I think he's my brother.' I mean I just know when I was a kid and mom or other people would stay stuff like that I always ended up taking it to heart which I feel like my brother could be doing. And what if he does have food sensativities? I just feel like the constant criticizm and generalizations probably don't help him, and it seems like my mom and her boyfriend just don't try very hard to actually know him they are quicker to just blame whatever flaws they find in him.

I don't know what to do because whenever I talk to my mom about her boyfriend screaming at my brother he always changes the story a bit and then my mom ends up getting mad at me for criticizing her boyfriend......and I can only imagine how mad she would be if I told her she should not call her kids names because it's hurtful I mean to me saying 'you are a 'insert not so nice phrase/word/ect.' usually is going to cause hurt feelings especially for a kid. So yeah it bothers me and I don't know what I can do about it.


Pretty much sounds like my stepfather. Just because one is brilliant as a child, does not mean one has life experience about things!



Sweetleaf
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30 Nov 2011, 9:18 pm

So I brought it up to my mom that her boyfriend was yelling at my brother and as usual my moms boyfriend made a bunch of excuses, tried to change the story and mostly denied that he did anything wrong.

uhh makes me angry that he would actually try to make it sound like I was exagerrating or making it up.


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ictus75
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30 Nov 2011, 9:55 pm

Just a thought, but could you record your mom's boyfriend when he is having a blow up at your brother, like on a cell phone/camera/etc.? That way you would be able to let your mom know what you are talking about.


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01 Dec 2011, 1:30 am

nymph_in_yellow wrote:
I think I'm not really making myself clear, but the most important thing is that YOU support your brother, so he will not feel alone and he will not start to think he's a horrible person or whatever...
and he knows you are there for him and he can always rely on you (if things get worse).


Totally this.

Sweetleaf, your story brings back a teen memory for me. My lost memories are never good. That's why they went away in the first place. But yeah, I was trying to stand up for my little brother, my mom was screaming at him and it freaked me out so I yelled at my mom to stop it. Then my stepdad grabbed me by the arms, lifted me up and slammed me against the wall, holding me about a foot up off the ground. He screamed in my face that I was never to talk to my mom like that ever again.

Anyway, the direct confrontation thing didn't work out so well, just made things worse. I feel like I would've been a better brother if I would've supported him more, been there for him to help him heal afterwards. Instead of trying to be a hero and just escalating the trauma.

Also, I feel like me blocking those memories out is a lot of what causes my depressive states these days. I feel awful, but don't know why. Maybe if I would've had someone to talk to at the time when the heavy crap was happening, I wouldn't have bottled it up and wouldn't be so depressed now. So even if you do move out, maybe try to spend some alone time with your little brother whenever you can?


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