Final Analysis - I'm a hateful person, and I don't like it.

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Greetings fellow Wrong Planet-eers...

I feel so torn and fearful at this very moment that I want to curl up into a ball and disappear...the one time I neglected to bring my cell phone with me to the old homestead for a visit, and I need it to call crisis. But since I can't, and I also can't use one of the portable phones in the house without mom being suspicious, I'm turning to the WP Haven board for comfort.

And all because of a damn bag of popcorn...I'll explain.

You see, just minutes ago, I smelled the lingering aroma of microwave popcorn, and naturally, that got me a hankering for it too; so I got a bag, put it in the microwave and set it for 3 minutes (what the bag recommended)...and LEFT THE KITCHEN! Not smart, considering the 3 minutes was probably meant for 50% power, not full power.

Well, after almost 2 minutes had gone by, I was just peacefully keeping my ears open from the spare bedroom, then suddenly I hear my dad shout "TURN IT OFF QUICK BEFORE IT BURNS!" Jee-zus! I thought he was gonna take my head off if I didn't immediately respond, so I did just that...I turned off the microwave, but was so upset at being yelled at for my violation of common sense, I left the bag in and sat in the living room for a bit to shake off that feeling.

I told Mom that he didn't have to tell me to do that in such an urgent tone of voice, and she told me it was only to keep the microwave from catching fire and not to be so sensitive. I was about to say something else, but she interrupted me with "And don't tell me you're not going to eat it now just because Dad said that to you!", to which I said to her face yes, that's exactly what I intended. I assured her that this incident hadn't put me off of popcorn...I'd even make another bag right now and carefully monitor it this time, but I would not eat that bag with Dad 'tainted' with his stern warning.

Mom then said "I don't understand how you can be so mean and spiteful to someone just looking out for you." I countered "Well I would think that after knowing me for almost 40 years, you and Dad would know by now to be VERY careful what you say around me, lest I use whatever you say as an excuse to hold a grudge." Mom just hung her head and said "That's just mean." And before I left her alone, I said "Yes, I can be a very hateful, mean-spirited person...deal with it.", and walked back to my spare room.

I haven't dared venture out of this room since, for fear that she'd do something drastic, because when my mom gets upset, rarely if ever, she'll let you know it. I know it's pathetic that I should still be living in fear of my mom, but she is everything to me. What should I do?

Usagi1992

you could apologize.

Already have done, in the form of a written note and 2 dollars, to compensate her for the wasted popcorn. That's the way I operate; I tender my apologies by adding a little money if the subject of our arguments is over food.

Well, that thing with my mom is dealt with...but I do hope dad got the message that he just can't just use that tone of voice when addressing me and expect me to just let it go!

Please father, have a heart attack tonight.
Please father, let your diabetes get the better of you.
Please father, let your pancreatic cancer consume you.

Just go, father, and let me finally have peace.

-----

The part you said about wanting your dad to die was very mean.

But I don't understand why you would eat popcorn that almost burned, even if it hadn't been "tainted" by the yelling. Isn't it too gross if it almost burns?

I really hope you stop feeling so horrified. You shouldn't hate your dad, because he probably didn't mean to scare you.

Your parents sound like as*holes.

I'm very sensitive about mistakes or being yelled at too, so I'm always trying to make everyone happy and it makes me miserable. I'm getting better at it -- I put a reminder on my phone not to care what people think, lol.

When you make a mistake, people should not raise their voices, but when it comes to burning food, there will be a sense of urgency.

Well, sometimes I like my popcorn to be a little bit burnt...not a little, just a touch.

As for regards to my father, he's pretty much had that effect all his life; most times, when I used to live at home (which I don't anymore, thank f---ing CHRIST!), just the simple act of him calling me down for dinner would strike fear into my heart, because his voice is so resonant that it sounds like he's always angry at me all the time.

I guess maybe I just have trouble letting the bad things in life go. I don't think I'd be outright happy OR sad when he finally dies...I'd just feel completely indifferent to it all.

--

You sound like a sensitive guy, and there is nothing wrong with that. I don't know, but I think that maybe your anger at him and the frustration you feel when he does things may be overshadowing your perception of how you will really feel when he does die.

I could be wrong.

I know that when I have gotten very hurt or frustrated with someone, I truly believe that I wouldn't care if they died. Later on, when I have gotten over it, I realize I would be devistated.

I think that if he has enough power in your life to cause you to be this upset over something he says or when he yells, his death would have a profound impact on you. Unless he is abusive, and not simply really annoying and frustrating.

Frances

if he has pancreatic cancer, he will die soon. i'd try to make peace with him while i had the chance if i were you. let him know of the things you value about him. my dad, with whom i had a rocky relationship died three years ago. luckily, i was able to include a letter in a card while he was sick telling him things i appreciated about him. i have no regrets.

You're right...that sort of thinking when you're angry is what Mister Rogers called "Scary Mad Wishes". It means that sure, in the heat of the moment, we say things that we wish would happen, but when we calm down, we're happy that it didn't happen:

"But that wish certainly didn't come true/'cause scary mad wishes don't make things come true."

And to Cathylynn - you have a very good point. I mean, I know he MUST already forgive me, because he still holds onto that ARCHAIC belief of 'unconditional love'. But the big problem is learning to let go myself. I'm a very angry person on the inside, but I have no way that I can express it in a constructive way. He'd just laugh if I tried to be diplomatic with him because he's at that age where everything I say or do is a f---ing JOKE to him. I'm torn....what shall I do?

Usagi1992

What I would do, since he has cancer, and is in bad health and may not really feel like being polite or going the extra mile right now, is write him a letter. Something short that says that you do love him, very much, but that it just seems that you react badly to him. That your personalities clash. I wouldn't try blaming him or telling him the things he's done to upset you, I'm sure he already knows. He may feel bad that he can't establish a better relationship with you.

I think what you may want is vindication. For him to admit he was wrong and apologize. Some people cannot do that even when they know they are wrong. He may not feel that he was wrong, he may feel that you were overreacting. He may also feel that right now, with cancer, that you should be worried about his feelings and his reactions instead of him needing to worry about yours. He's actually right with that one. You are capable of feeling, you are capable of reasoning, and you are capable of walking out of the room without making a scene when need be. Sometimes it's very, very hard to not react to something we are used to reacting to things. You also may never get vindication and you have to realize that.

If I were you I would write the letter, say you love him first of all. Tell him that you are sorry that your relationship has been so strained. That's not telling him you are sorry for reacting when you can't help it, but that you are sorry about the relationship. It doesn't put blame on anyone. I would tell him that you are going to try to not react so strongly, and that your reactions are things that you can't help, no matter how much you love the person. Tell him that you may not always succeed in not reacting, and it may not even look like you are trying, but you are. Then, I would tell him thank you for the things he's done for you. Things that you are thankful for. Say them without any qualifiers. Don't say something like "Thank you for sending me to college, even though you didn't send me to the one I wanted to go to, you sent me to the one you wanted me to go to, I'm still grateful". Simply say "Thank you for sending me to college". I don't know if he did send you to college or not, but you get the idea.

Then show the letter to your mother. Tell her that you would like to make peace with your father, and that you would like her to help you not show reactions around him as much. See if you can work out a system with her, so that she reminds you in the heat of the moment not to do something you will regret later. Tell her what to say to you, don't ask her to come up with something, because sometimes people come up with things that inadverdently offend. That would escalate the situation if she did that. Give her a sentence or two to tell you to remind you. Even a note that you wrote to yourself to read in that situation to remind yourself. Try in those situations, instead of not reacting, to wait to react. If you allow yourself to react but make yourself wait while you count to 60, or wait 5 minutes, or the next day, or however long you can, that may help you calm down some. Maybe if you go home afterwards and write him a letter that you never send, that will help you get it all out and not hurt anybody in the process.

Get your mother to give the letter to your father. You might also suggest to her, that he could write you a letter back. Not only is that something you can always have, where he talks about his feelings for you, tangable written proof of his feelings, but if you two rub each other the wrong way, letters may be the best chance you have at a civil communication.

Also, from what I read in your post about the situation, he was yelling at the situation, not yelling at you. Some parents yell. I yell. When I yell it doesn't mean I'm mad, sometimes it means that I'm just very excited over something, or that the situation is urgent, or even that I'm not sure they can hear me. Yelling isn't always directed at another person in anger or blame. Sometimes it's just a human reaction. He thought it might catch fire, and yelling is a normal reaction to that. It's not like you are the first person on the planet to leave something in the microwave too long. It was an accident. Those happen. It's not a big deal at all, but I understand that it was to you. Some things are big deals to me that nobody else can understand too.

I would write the letter, place no blame, make sure he knows how you feel and that you want to have a better relationship with him, and that no matter how you may react, you love and appreciate him. Then, I would try to worry more about how he is feeling than how you are feeling. I'm sure that if he has the cancer, he knows he doesn't have long. I'm sure he has a lot on his mind, and people who are sick, or in pain, or know they don't have much longer, can naturally get short with people or snap at people. Even though you want to say something back, don't. Remember that even if at that moment you don't care how it makes him feel, you will feel very guilty later over it. Refuse to react, to help yourself later on, rather than him right now, if thats how you have to do it.

Frances

i guess i don't know what to do, if he would think it was a joke if you're nice to him.

Oh man, that was really something. And sadly, I can relate because this is similar of how I operate. If I make a mistake, tell me what I did wrong, and I'll try to make up for whatever damage I caused. Yell at me, and I shut down, because if there is one thing that I can't stand, it is being yelled at, followed by being cocky and arrogant when giving me advice.
I will not judge any of your actions, I don't know your parents or yourself too well to be able to do that. You still have my sympathy. I know us Aspies can be a real pain to deal wtih, especially when family ties and emotions are involved, and while I hold the firm believe that every single person can change, and usually don't accpet something like "Well, that's just how I am, deal with it!" as an excuse for misbehaviour, I do think that we got more "hard-coded" behavioural paterns than other people do. It is just hard to tell people who are NT that even if we sometimes may seem harsh, unforgiving or plain cruel, we did not choose to be like that, we HATE being like that (I know I do, at least), and if we somehow, in some way, could be different in these regards, we would be. We just can't. I would not have eaten that popcorn, either, and I can fully understand what you mean when you say it is tainted. I am like that especially with food, too. Food and Books.

Trying to explain these things to parents can be a real pain, because parents are usually very unwilling to take advice from their children, even if it is advice about themselves. I usually tell people that if they treat me like a robot, I work rather favorably and that hey will be surprised what a pleasent person I can be. Yelling at me translates to hitting the robot with a crowbar to get him to do what you want, instead of just using the interface. I guess this metaphor makes only sense to me, but I don't know how to discribe it.
If it is not too personal, would you have eaten the popcorn if your father went up to you and said "You have misjudged the time your popcorn would need in the microwave. Would you please go and turn it off, before it ignites the microwave?" At least for me, that is how you would get me to operate in a fashion that would yield the result of me turning off the microwave, apologize for my negligence, and eat the popcorn (if it was still edible, of course).