I'm not me. (long post)

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I feel like I've been 'drifting' away from my life for a long time, in the sense I feel myself become more and more disconnected from myself. I'm not exactly depressed, just a little stressed and a lot distant.

My school performance has gone down. I get really annoyed and frustrated if someone tries to help me through my work, because human voices are very stressing to me, as well as the eye contact that happens with one on one tutoring. But at the same time, I feel incapable of starting and doing work on my own, because many of my subjects are just too hard to learn just from the book and I need someone to teach me.
It's like a dilemma/paradox that makes me unable to do -anything- and so nothing gets done.
And my parents right now are up to their necks in legal crap and emotional stuff they are dealing with, so all the expectations fall to me to get my own stuff done.

And then I keep drifting away from my friends. It's like I want to keep contact with them, but I end up just not really having anything to say, talk about, or I just end up not knowing how to respond even if they spark a conversation. And now that my computer is shot, I can only post on public places like this and I don't really have access to direct talking with them (until I can fix my computer). Yes I do have friends in person, but the issue aforementioned applies there too.

In a way I kind of need the solitude (as I can't handle too much social at once), but my boyfriend is feeling sort of abandoned by me/lonely, because even he is feeling the effects of whatever I'm going through. And I'm not even getting the solitude I need. Another weird dilemma.

Even the words from the person I respect most of all in my life may not be enough to get me back on track.
I've tried to set up schedules, and tried to organise my life better. But I'm weird about schedules. They have to be done the same way all the time/I have to be left alone to do some things, or else if it is messed up in the -slightest- way, I will become incredibly anxious and 'abandon' the schedule (that includes sleep schedules). So if anyone interrupts me while I'm doing something that I've set up/planned, I get angry/grieved because I know that was a delicate chance to get my life back in place.
And the same is true for any of my routines. Someone once moved around my stuff in the bathroom (toothbrushes reorganised, toothpaste set off to the side) and I just didn't brush my teeth for a long while because of it. Didn't touch anything around it, as though I was just waiting for everything to go back into the place it used to be. I eventually just had to buy a new toothbrush and stuff.

I read about a bird that would build its nest and take care of its young (like normal) but if it came back to the nest and the nest was messed up/moved or if it had nay sort of smell of predator, the bird would abandon its young, and start over somewhere else. Because after all, it is better for the bird to move on and have more young away from the predator, and keep the species going, rather than stay with the babies and then they would all get eaten.

I feel like that bird. My life has been changed/moved/messed up, and I want/need to start over somewhere else. I feel that I am a very intelligent person capable of many things, but I feel that primitive part of my brain that's afraid of 'the predators' (like the bird) is really the one controlling my actions, and I'm just waiting until I can escape, or be reassured that the predators won't get me, so I can get my life back on track. The part of me that sees exactly what's going on in my life, that knows how to fix everything, is like... shoved to the back. I feel like I'm only an observer in my own life. In my own body.

Funny thing is I've tried explaining it, but it ends up everyone telling me to "get over it" as though I'm consciously choosing not to do things just because I 'don't like it' or something. My issue is that I don't feel in control of myself, NOT that I'm being stubborn about doing things I don't like.

So my question is, have any of you experienced what I'm experiencing? What did you do, if so? If you have similar experiences, please tell me about it.
Is it literally just a phase; something my brain needs to go through as I mature? Is it something that needs medication? Therapy? Or is this strange, delicate, frightened-animal-like mind something that I'm going to have to struggle with my whole life?

If you read all this, thanks for listening.
If I'm unclear about something but you want to make a reply, ask me and I'll clarify.

I don't have any easy answers sorry but you put "if you read all this thanks for listening" and I wanted to let you know that yes, I did read it and I wished I could make you a cup of hot chocolate with extra marsh mallows on it. Will this make your life easier, nope I guess not but there are lots of people on here who DO care and do not doubt for one minute that you are indeed an intelligent, capable, loving person and wish you all the best in finding your niche.
Best Wishes

Oresteia. Thank you so much for taking the time to read and reply. It really means alot to me that even if there's nothing to be done, you were willing to stop by and show a little caring. Sometimes that's all we need. I hope you have a really nice week.

I wish I was in a mood to word my thoughts, maybe tomorrow I'll review that. Yes I think something similar is what I've been through and I liked reading your post as it made sense to me. Those are some nice parallels you drew. As for me I am a bit messed up and depressed so it might be something else and it requires a lot of processing to write something definite. I am not very good at explaining myself.. Sorry if it might sound incoherent which it does.

I am clearly experiencing derealization (and depersonalization to some much lesser extent). I can stare at my hand wondering what the hell for quite a time. Everything feels so odd and unreal. When I do something I feel very aware of what I'm doing atm as if it was from 3rd person. Everything requires effort. Hmm.. I used to have people who I actually were friends with but I couldn't handle it. Something was off - I just needed to be alone, needed to reflect and contemplate - it was so much I didn't understand about what I was experiencing while in social situations - and when I was with them I was something I was not. This created unpleasant tension, I took no pleasure from social interaction apart from wanting to have friends and admiring these people, learning from them. Something like that. This "just be yourself" slogan makes me laugh uncontrollably. I was million different faces to battle my social anxieties and it kinda worked. In the end I just consciously pushed people away for a ton of reasons. (And since they allowed to be pushed means they weren't really.. huh maybe they are aspies in disguise and we deserve each other)

I have something odd with schedules as well, if it gets interrupted I just drop it all. I think it's a perfectionist's issue. And I always have to be alone, someone might ruin things only with their presence. Not to mention I keep making these lists for everything. I want to do everything in a certain way which is somewhat pure and right, a way which I feel them.. Everything is somehow different now but it's difficult to word. I think that I make these plans, I know how to get my life together, I know what is the right thing to do in most situations for my strange overwhelming feeling of morality (...) but I just make these plans, lists, I gather information of what is the best way, the most efficient etc to do something - anything for that matter! - and then I leave it. I don't do it, I don't do anything. I am in fear I will ruin it, or I won't able to do it, these are very high standart plans. So I keep choosing this comfort of ignorance, comfort of depression. But through this I discover myself in a new light, I almost find humane traits in myself. However doesn't seem that I know anything at all now. It is somewhat reoccurring - me abandoning stuff because it doesn't feel adequate. That's how I keep falling into myself, if it wasn't for stuff I do. But I am so disconnected from reality, I barely have ties with it. I am always grounded by my rationale though.

And in a way that's what's been happening with my life. It's spoiled, I want to start new but now I realize I cannot. Maybe it is possible, but I am quite damaged a person. Trails of my past will be following me forever I can only make peace with it but I will not be given a blank canvas. Idk, it does seem as if I purposely don't do anything. This idea of me having to leave is so strong that now I want to leave it all. If I drop something I just have to see it falling to know what actually happens in reality.

Anyway so that's what I did - I gave into these feelings for this was the way to explore myself. And it was the only thing that was real. As you see it didn't work out too well for me from a normal perspective, but its ok for me - I see no other way to be.

Well I hope I make sense this really just was for myself I guess.. Sorry if I sound gloomy and for the length. Hope it works out for you. If you're up for it and situation allows maybe its a good idea to go to a specialist if you fear of drifting out. Imo this is not how one is supposed to feel and it increases a risk of depression. And just to add, even though I have official dx I don't identify with some characteristic traits and think that my dx is a bit dodgy. I think my circumstances contributed to it, at the time.
Oh, and I read that this bird nest thing is a myth If you trust these guys.
http://www.cracked.com/article_19527_5- ... lieve.html

mar00, thank you for replying. I understand what you say and I do relate a lot, both to the content of your post and how it is when it is hard to put thoughts to words. I don't like that other peoples lives are getting messed up like how mine are but at the same time I guess it feels kind of good that I'm not totally alone in what I'm experiencing. Thank you for your insights, it got me to thinking. I hope things will be working out for you, too.