Death in Family

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Hi, I'm 23 and my mother just passed away earlier this month from cancer. The whole family knew it was going to happen.

I felt sad about it at first and now accept that we did know it was going to happen and I suppose I imagined it had already happened before it did happen to try and get an idea of what it might feel like. Anyway I don't think I'm taking it nearly as hard as my younger 21 year old brother though he seems to be taking it alright.

Does anyone think that getting through things like this might be easier for an aspie?

I have heard many posts about people
With AS who show of feel little emotion
for the death of family members.

I have emotional regulation difficulties and
I'm prone to emotional contagion.....in
other words I feel enormously for people
Who suffer, though express this in a rather
stereotypical AS way.

My mum died a couple of months ago, and it is a
complicated grief, as she was cruel and unkind
to me. However, I have made my peace with
My mum, and feel somewhat peaceful in
Myself

I'm very sorry about your mother.

My grandpa was my father figure. He died of cancer and I was right there at his side when he passed away. Most of the time I'm uncomfortable showing emotion for some reason, especially negative emotions, but I did cry in front of people That night when I got home I went to bed early and broke down. I was fine in a couple days, and I always thought that I had gotten over it too quickly and I felt like a bad person. But actually, I still get sad when I think about it, and I wish he was still here. I think I just don't know how to properly process those emotions.

I'm sorry to hear about your mother.

I think how well one copes with such situations depends on the circumstances, the person and the relationship the person had with the individual who passed away.

I'm also sorry about your loss. I think the way that a person deals with the death of a family member depends on how close they feel to that person and that there is no right way to grieve the death of a family member. Of course somebody who feels closer to their mum is going to be more affected by their mother's death. Your mum is in a better place none the less and I'm sorry about your loss.

Thanks everyone. I'll get through it and it was interesting to see what everyone else had to say about it and what they experienced in similar situations.

Hope you're doing good man.

I'm doing OK, now I'm having to sort through getting medical insurance since I am off my mothers and that isn't going well because I'm considered "high risk" because of my Aspergers. Otherwise I'm doing fine.

I'm sorry about your mother.

I think the way people deal with these things is individual. I don't think it depends on being and AS or a NT. There could be some specific ways people with Aspereger's react, but I don't think, in general, that it's easier for someone on the spectrum.

To be honest, I worry about a death in the family precisely because it means a great deal of hardship for me. I live with my dad and two younger sisters (I am the only male in my family, and the ladies tend to dominate everything that happens in the family). He is divorced and not married. At 72 years old, his health is okay right now, but it could change at any time. With social security and his government pension, he is the only income earner in the family. I have tried to get onto SSI, but I have been denied because of my education (I am a college senior with one more semester to go until my bachelor's degree) and because I am competent enough to do dishes, cook meals, use public transportation, etc. (I just think of it as a transition from the family to independent living, not as a permanent welfare thing).

Anyways, if my dad died, my life would be very complicated. My sister had a baby 1 1/2 years ago when she was 19. She really hasn't grown up and taken full responsibility for her son. My dad watches her son about 30 percent of the time when I am here, and 75 percent of the time when I am at school or out. Even if she is present, she will often give him to my dad or me if he gets fussy or starts getting difficult. My dad puts him in his bed because she will bring him in if the kid is sick or even if he wakes up. I am worried about being not being able to continue school because I am afraid of being saddled with babysitting if he dies. I would also have to take a leadership role in the family which I don't want. If my dad dies, I am prepared to cooperate with her in resolving my dad's estate, but after everything has been divided, I just want simply burn bridges with my little sister. I have already written a letter to give her informing her that I will no longer be responsible for babysitting her kid. I really don't like her and she doesn't respect the fact I have Aspergers or my interests.

To me, family is my friends, the blood relations don't really seem to act like family and "spit in my face" because of a lot of cultural, sexual orientation, religious, hobby, and ideological differences. We don't really share a worldview and my autistic view of the world is very different from their NT perspective. And I feel like I really don't belong. I can't really see myself crying after a family member dies. Maybe being very somber.

I lost my grandpa 3 years ago and when I went to the wake I was in tears. I never saw a deceased body before. I cried and cried at his funeral too. It was closed casket which made it better. But when I see a deceased loved one at a wake, or go to a funeral, to me its sad. That person is gone. I can't talk to my grandpa and hear him talk to me. I recently lost my beloved West Highland Terrier, Timmy this Labor Day and still I grieve for him. He was my only friend. I have talked to NT people about grief and they appear to show less compassion. In fact I have gotten some NT people telling me its just a dog move on. Or grandpa was old, etc. I think when it comes to grief we all grieve differently, aspies or not. It depends on how close we are to that person or animal that passed.

I don't know if it has to do with being NT or not. Many are more incredibly desensitized to death and what it actually means due to everything we're surrounded by. Especially violent images on tv in a sense glorifying or sensationalizing death.

When my aunt died, a few years back, my mom was hysterical. I cried.. but her crying was so ridiculous.

Waited in the car by herself for several hours crying, had to be brought to the hospital, kept pushing and shoving people away even tho she had to be physically carried to the funeral.

When my grandmother died a few months ago.. it wasn't just a blood connection, she was family to me in the truest sense. It feels weird.. i've been living in a different state than her for nearly 2 years.. but it still somehow feels like shes there waiting for me. Thinking about this brings back very painful memories.

My condolences upon hearing about your mom.

And I suppose it is easier for an Aspie to deal with things like this; I should know, as I've lost all 4 of my grandparents. Sure, I finally did cry in private when the last one died, but my attitude with the first 3 was "well, I knew it would happen sooner or later." You know, logical thinking and accepting that grandparents die eventually.

I think that's absolutely right. Grieve in the way you feel you need to and don't worry if it's different from the way in which others do it. Just make sure that you get closure in your own way, too.

When I 'lost' a parent, he'd already been sort of lost for quite a while. We hadn't been on speaking terms for many years and he had a lot of addiction problems and liver issues, so it wasn't unexpected. I didn't cry or anything at the time and remembered thinking "Well, it's like he's been dead for years anyway." But, in hindsight, I think I just never really fully processed everything. He didn't have a permanent address at the time he died and my brother and I were never able to get his ashes (long story), so we never even had a funeral or viewing for him. I don't think I ever really grieved, per se, as much as I just went numb.

So, I would say to grieve and get closure in your own way, but make sure you do it. And, don't be afraid to write/journal about what your feeling or talk to a counselor or trusted friend, if it would be helpful for you.

Sorry to hear about your mother.

As for me, it is a very mixed thing. My grandparents were really important people in my life. Since my parents are divorced, my grandfather was my main male rolemodel, and even though I know that he was a really bad father, he rocked as a grandfather. I don't know why, but we had a good connection and when he told me something, I followed his advice (He served in WW2, was a POW in the Soviet Union for five years, and somehow managed to get out of there alive. If someone like that tells you: Don't start smoking!, at least for me, you don't). When he passed away, which happened rather unexpected due to a stroke, I sure was sad, but maybe for about six hours, then I was like: He was old, he has lived a long and fruitful life, he died without much suffering, what more you you ask for? Goodbye gramps, maybe we'll see each other again someplace! Same with my grandma, I was sad for a few hours, then I got the same feelings. I didn't cry, either.
Last week, my pet rabbit died, and I am still really worked up about it. It was the first time in... I think fifteen years that I cried, because to me, my little bunnyrabbit was my best friend in the world, and I am serious about it. I would never say that it was more important to me than my grandparents, but I really cannot compare these two. I would say it is neither easier nor harder for us Aspies, we are just more extreme. Either we get over it really fast, or we'll never get over it. I know for sure I won't get over the loss of my pet (sorry if I appear to be a little insensitive writing about a dead animal when your mother has died, I am just trying to bring a point across), it was what I held dearest in life, what I loved more than anything, what can never be replaced and has forever taken a part of my heart when he passed away.