HELP! Grieving and Mourning a Severe Loss-My Aspie Boyfriend

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Hi everyone... I joined here awhile ago (I'm NT). I joined because I have been in a serious relationship with my Aspie boyfriend for over a year. It was a long distance relationship but that was never the problem. We both enjoyed our space and time... it was healthy for our relationship. Early on in our relationship he had told me that he loved me and told me "I know what I know...and I love you." So around that same time, I asked him if he had the desire to ever get married to someone one day, He responded, "Eventually, yes. I would." It wasn't until 6 months into our relationship that he had confided into me that he has Asperger Syndrome and was diagnosed with it- it was very, very difficult for him to accept to this day. Immediately, I told him nothing would change because I love him just as he loves me and love every part of him. I tried asking him how I could have helped but he never, ever wanted to talk about it. So, I joined this site because I desired to educate myself all about it because I loved him so much. I educated myself on just about everything related to Asperger Syndrome. I read anything and everything you name it- The Complete Guide etc...It's basically a long story so I really appreciate all who hear me out on one of the most difficult times in my entire life. Later on in the year, things started to change. He started to get distant. I just figured he was busy. We barely talked but he would say "I love you." every time we did happen to talk. Over the summer, he was having a very hard time with not being able to get a job. Then one day I had asked him if he had ever believed in the concept of marriage. This was our first major "fight." He told me he never once thought about marriage with me and to never bring it up ever again. So I didn't. Then the school year started up, the contact became less and less. I would ask if anything was wrong and he would assure me "No, of course not! I am just busy. I love you!" Then, what went from texting every other day or so became only once a week. I started to read up on Asperger Syndrome more and more since I wanted to know more about it and I knew he never wanted me to bring up his Asperger Syndrome to him. I read all about it and realized that I truly love him and I would be there for him through thick and thin. About a week ago, I visited him. He was over the moon. So so happy and glowing. He explained how much he loves me. Over the visitation (I regret this now), I decided to show him a video about an Asperger Syndrome couple that lives together but lives as roommates. I asked him if this is what he is like. I explained to him, in tears, "I am looking for a companionship someday down the line....I am afraid that you can't give me that....." He was floored. No response. All he could do is hug me. I asked him (I regret this too), "I haven't heard from you in so long.... do you truly love me or have you been pretending?" He got furious. I apologized over and over and just explained that I was insecure since he has been so distant with me. He forgave me and explained that he will be in town the next week. He said the he loved me and that not to worry about what a "textbook" says. So, the next week in town, he would not text me. Then he explained that he wanted to meet with me a couple days later. I agreed. I walked up to him, thinking we would be going out for dinner and he gave me the dreaded... "We need to talk...." He explained to me that trust was a big issue and that he felt that I had stabbed him in the back with a knife for questioning if he truly loved me because of his Asperger Syndrome. I told him that I was just being emotional and insecure and I was very sorry. He said, "I have been thinking about this for a long time and this is why I have been distant with you... I didn't know how to tell you this but, I signed a pledge vowing that I will never get married until Gay Marriage is legalized in all 50 states." I said, "Okay.... it's okay that you are unsure about marriage. We are both young and there's no reason to talk about it now." He said, "That's not it....I never want to get married. Ever. I know how important this is to you in the future and I am just letting you know what I am about. I love you." I at first, said "That's fine, I accept you no matter what. I love you." Then, involuntarily, I broke down into sobs. I asked him why he told me in the beginning of our relationship that he wanted to get married eventually someday, he said that "I didn't know my ideology. I have changed. I'm sorry." I broke down into even more tears. I could not control it. I had been in the ER the other day for a ruptured ovarian cyst and did not get much sleep and was acting too emotional. It made him very angry. After witnessing my uncontrollable crying, he said "I'm sorry. You will meet someone else. It's not you, it's me." and escorted me out the door. I could not drive home I was so upset. So, our mutual friends came and picked me up even though I assured them I'd be okay. He was furious about this with me even more- involving his friends. He has told my friend that he was not intending to break up with me but that after witnessing me have a break down, it stressed him out and he is done. He told her that I will one day meet someone else and assured her it will never be him. Ever. I am beyond devastated.... I haven't contacted him at all since I know that would make things worse. I truly love him. The hardest part was packing up his things that I am going to return to him in the mail. Along with the stuff I am sending, I wrote him a letter stating, "I am sorry that I overreacted and was being insecure. I have just been having a rough couple of weeks and I took it out on you. I loved you so much. I fell in love with you- all of you. I will never forget you.
Our relationship was like a rose
Sharp torns
Tough stem
But when the flower is in full bloom
There is exceptional beauty to be found.
Wo ai ni lover."
I feel so horrible that I overreacted.... I feel so terrible that I hurt him by asking that question. I know that he feels hurt and offended that I questioned his feelings for me about his Asperger Syndrome but I just acted without reason and more by my own insecurity. I not only accepted his Asperger Syndrome, but fell in LOVE with it (HIM). I am just so upset and don't know what to do about it. This is beyond devastating. I think I know why he really did it. Was because he told me "I can't give you that." He thought that I was offending him by bringing up his Aspergers and asking if that was causing him to pretend to love me and that hurt him. SO he basically broke up with me because.... he said "I can't give you that." and he said he knew I would be unhappy with him and he said "I love you." He loved me so much that he wanted to give me away... He doesn't understand that I WILL be happy with HIM! Every single part of him.... That's why I did all of this research about Asperger Syndrome- to prepare for spending the rest of my life with him & learning about how Asperger's effects him since I was not going to leave. I loved him. It was as if I had a child that had Autism, I would do everything I could to educate myself about it because I would love my child unconditionally. That's how I loved him.

Last edited by CheshireCat1 on 23 Dec 2011, 9:00 pm, edited 7 times in total.

I don't feel you have anything to apologise for. If anything, he clearly doesn't care that he hurt you.

It looks to me as though you will have to a find a way to move on with your life.

moved to the haven where op will probably get more suitable replies

I would say that as he doesn't want to get married and you do that you have to realise that you won't be able to get what you really want with him, and he knows this and is doing a loving thing by letting you go. You need to love yourself too and realise he's not the one and move on.

I think you have to see this relationship as the beautiful thing it once was and put it in your past. You shoudn't forget him, that's correct, but you need to let him go.

One day, when you've both had enough time and space and have both moved on you may both be able to be friends. So keep the communication lines open (make sure he gets any change of phone numbers and addresses) but leave it up to him to get in touch. I'm sure he'll hear some way or another on the grapevine how you are doing, and when he's over you and moved on he can get in touch. (I think you did the right thing by not getting in touch so as not to make it worse.)

Getting over osmeone you love is hard, but you can do it and it's for the best )) x

soundofrain

I just feel horrible that I overreacted and ruined everything....

he said he'd be thinking about it for weeks, so it wasn't your overreation that ruined things. he's probably just trying to use that to convince himself he did the right thing, when infact it had very little influence at all. you don't break up with someone you love because of one outburst

don't worry, things will definitely get easier and like someone said- someday you will appreciate it for what it was instead of feeling upset it ended

I feel like he did it because he never could accept his Asperger Syndrome... He could never come to terms with it. He even called it a disease and said Asperger Syndrome does not mean Autism. So, I feel that he did it because I learned more and more about it and the more I questioned him about how it affected him, the more offended and hurt he became.... I feel so terrible. I feel that he does not understand that I fell in LOVE with him. All of him! I not only accepted his Asperger Syndrome, but I fell in love and cherished his uniqueness. I wish he knew that... He loved me enough to give me away.... That is the tragedy.... I wish he knew that I loved him enough to change for him.

I don't know why he flipped flop on his idea of marriage. He did admit to me that he had a fear of commitment... He completely did a 180. I don't know why he wouldn't want to marry someone someday that would love him unconditionally. Is this common with Aspies?

Last edited by CheshireCat1 on 23 Dec 2011, 3:34 am, edited 1 time in total.

I don't think you ruined everything.

He doesn't believe in marriage and you do.

Common for aspies? No, more like occassionally happens with people in general.

As mentioned he probably did deeply care about you--but he handled it in an immature way. Love is forgiving.. there is no such thing as a couple that doesn't fight. What you did would be considered trivial and small in the scope of most long term marriages. Give him enough time and he woulda easily one upped that "overreaction" times 10.

Thanks. What do you mean by give him enough time though?

Oh what a beautiful and pure love you have...
The more I think of it the more it touches me... What a shame you cannot live out this love it nearly makes me cry.
After having read your whole post I feel how precious your love is and how necessary it is to keep this love to him alive!
My dear, just stay persistent and don't stop contacting him! You should of course not give him the feeling of having too much power over you but if you stay persistent he would totally feel that you are honestily respecting him, respecting his autism and much more loving him for everything he is and not for what you still expect of him to be or to do.

There is so much honest love and sorrow in your words and you care so much about him, you would surely not become happy again too soon if you won't propitiate with him.
I'm sure you would be together again soon!
I wish you the best!

Sorry for the late reply, what I meant is if you had given him enough time he would've done something worse than what he's accusing you of doing. (Your mistake was NOT that bad at all by the way, he was really overreacting)

People make mistakes and get misunderstood all the time in relationships. Once in a while they're even "insecure". If he's not ready to forgive these tiny mistakes he probably isn't ready for any long term relationship--let alone marriage.

I mean.. seriously ask yourself--if he had offended you.. and seriously seemed remorseful, sincere and apologized to you, would you have forgiven him?

No ones perfect--we learn by making these mistakes. At least you were interested in learning, at least you were sensitive to his feelings afterwards.

What happens when he makes a mistake (thats what I meant by give him time) because it WILL happen, are you expected to be as unforgiving as he's being? Relationships don't work without forgiveness.

I think he's not sure what he really wants out of life, period. As someone else said, that happens to everyone--it's not just AS or NT. He may very well have told himself that you'd be better off without him because he may simply be unable to give back what you obviously need. I'm sure he loves you, but only to a point, beyond which he CAN'T give anymore.

He said what he did because (and this is the awful part) he wanted to make it seem like someone else's fault, even while saying "it's not you, it's me." He actually sounds very confused right now.

I don't know if you should cease contact or not. If you do start talking again, he may act like nothing happened at all. For all I know, you could resume a relationship of sorts as long as marriage wasn't mentioned...but if that wouldn't work for you, don't--you'll just get hurt again.

Hope that helps...not sure if it did. I am sorry you are going through this. I am dealing with something that FEELS similar, even though the circumstances are different...I'd only discuss it in a PM (if you wanted to).

Again, take care. Remember, THIS WAS NOT YOUR FAULT. AT ALL.

Thanks everyone so far for the advice... Should this be moved to the Love & Dating Forum so that more people can give advice?

I want to get him back... Can anyone give me advice on how to do it? I know that right now, if I talk to him, it will only make him more mad. Two days ago, I texted him, "Can I see you one last time to say goodbye?" and no response....

I agree and just because someone has Aspergers it doesn't mean that they can't be mean or manipulative. You probably do deserve someone better.
I'm also very upfront with people about where I stand when it comes to relationships.

I have a very close friendship with my best friend, and I truly do not want a real relationship. I can't handle one because of my AS so I've settled for a very very close and fulfilling non sexual relationship with that one friend. We don't sleep together, but we do with other people. I'm also very upfront about only having a sexual tie to my sexual partners. It works out really well in a strange kind of way. If he finds someone who can give him both I'd have no choice but to let him go and vise-versa. I don't ever want to have children but I think he does. I do want to see him have kids too. He'd be the greatest dad ever. I don't mind giving him up I love him enough, and we promised that in the after life we'd get serious. Provided there is one LOL. If not then it doesn't matter what ever pleasant and fun moments we sheared together that have happened have been etched into the fabric of existence forever. Even if we aren't here at one point we were and we did love each other.