So I Get It. Again.

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I drag my 4-year-old son to the dentist today.

Full HFA experience-- shaking, sobbing, won't unbury his head from my belly, too scared to reason with in an efficient manner. Reasoning with him DOES work-- if given enough time to work through every step of the process, and if we're working with someone who doesn't get impatient and either try to jolly him into cooperating or just call the whole thing off.

I TOLD them I suspected HFA/Asperger's. I WANTED to call ahead and tell them-- of course DH thinks this is a bad idea and I should just keep my mouth shut all together. Yeah. Uh-huh. OK. So they can deal with a high-anxiety kid without knowing the reasons, I guess??

Not that knowing the reasons matters-- not that 85% of people ever hear the "high-functioning" part.

Kid's got four cavities, two of them giant. Of course he does-- Mommy spent several months out of this year medicated out of all functionality. DH is a great dad-- really-- but he's not real hands-on with the inane details of day-to-day parenting. Like prying the kid's mouth open around about 8:30 in the evening and wiggling the toothbrush around in there. The kid's teeth probably got brushed about twice a week all summer-- the two nights I was functional enough to do it.

Next: I get the I-Learned-Everything-I-Know-About-Autism-From-The-Today-Show spiel about how no one on the spectrum can be a competent parent, this just proves it, she's going to put in a call to DCFS, blah, blah, blah.

I went off. Not in a huge way. I didn't scream or threaten or get violent. My spiel did start with, "Shut up, Sweetheart," but it didn't get any worse from there. A five-minute speech on how you can't believe everything you see on TV.

Dumb c**t probably thought she was talking to the NT parent. Everyone knows Aspies go into engineering, and all of them are men.

These are the kinds of f**ktards who put nonconfrontational, nonviolent HFA kids on antipsychotics until they are no longer high-functioning, because a low-functioning morbidly obese houseplant is "easier to deal with."

Speaking of antipsychotics, one more reason to write that f**ktard psychiatrist a letter and thank her soooo f*****g much for the goddamn Risperdal that made me a calm, quiet, low-functioning sofa cushion for a third of this year.

Then, from my husband (who always refuses to believe that these things even happen when I'm asking for help figuring out how to deal with it-- or swears that it only happens in "hillbilly backwards West Virginia), I get support, right?? Wrong. I get him wanting to go psycho, make a big production, try to get the dumb woman in trouble for doing something she had no way of knowing was inappropriate.

Stupid NTs. I often have to remind myself that diversity is a good thing, that it takes all kinds, that they are people too.

Sarcasm. I'm SO glad I learned about it.
*want to throw something*

She's going to call DCFS about four cavities?? Thats completely within the normal range at that age! Now, 14 cavities might be a reason, but four??

From reading your post, I gather your doctor put you on medication and you were following your doctors orders, but you are off it now and disagree with the medication. That in itself shows that you have sense!

Don't let them scare you at the dentist office. In fact, you should report them to your local dentistry licensing board. Let them know that they threatened to report you for four cavities. Also tell them what was said to you about being on the spectrum. Whoever said that should have some sort of disciplinary action in their record, even if they don't do anything to them, they should have a record of it for future use, and in case they do go ahead and call DCFS on you.

If I were you, I would call and find out the address of the person to write to with a complaint about a dentist office and send your letter to them instead of just a phone call. Keep a copy for your records. Also, change dentists immediately. Find another one, go sign a release and have all your records faxed to the new office, even before you make an appointment.

Doing those things will show that you are oriented to whats going on, what was said and threatened, and that you did take offense to it as anyone would, and you are going through proper channels to avoid that kind of incident in the future. If they try to portray you as somebody who is incompetant to DCFS, those actions will show that you are not. Also, DCFS, if they come out will look at your home, where your child sleeps, the toys and games and books, and look for signs of abuse and neglect. Also for any signs of parental alcohol, drug or spousal abuse. As long as everything looks ok, they will leave you alone.

Good luck!

I would also post this in the parents forum because I'm sure you will get a lot more feedback and ideas from parents there.

I think it had more to do with being on the spectrum than the kid having four cavities.

Should have picked him up and walked out the door when the dumb b***h didn't want to deal with him crying.

But I ask you-- exactly what does that teach the kid???? I care for his happiness and comfort. I also care for his functionality. He will never learn emotional control, or to deal with situations that frighten him, if he's removed from them at the first sign of trouble.

Temple Grandin was right. HFA folks fared a lot better back in the '50s...

...when expectations were higher and the diagnosis did not exist.

BECAUSE expectations were higher, and the diagnosis did not exist.

Oh, BTW-- What IS the name of the song?????

Baba O'Reily.

I still think you need to change dentists and report them for saying that, even if they don't do anything about it. If they are going to treat you like that, they don't need your (or your insurance company's) money!

Wow, where did four cavities come from?

Life as a 4-year-old.

Four cavities is not at all uncommon.

Life as a four-year-old, plus being cared for by a father who hasn't had to engage in the inanities of caring for children and grandparents who really didn't know any better for a few months while his supposedly incapable mother spent the time getting drugged out of her brain for being stupid enough to ask for help with the problems AS does cause her.

I managed to keep the kid's teeth clean for three and a half years. The theoretically perfect NTs who have been taking care of my kids since stereotypes about AS drove me off the deep end can't seem to manage that. And I get blamed.

Just something else I can thank Autism Speaks and the popular media representations of high-functioning autistics for.

THANKS, GUYS!!

Yeah-- Or, No-- I won't be going back there. And I probably will have a note made (or let my respectable NT husband have a note made) that we deem the reaction inappropriate.

And talk to my therapist about it all. At great length.

And they wonder why we have, in general, no self-esteem.

No way girl! Do not have your husband do it! You are capable of doing things and you have to stand up and show it! You do not back down and let them put you in a corner to sit and make baskets or something! No way! Scr*w stereotyping! You are better than that and don't you dare let them make you feel like you aren't!

Sorry for all the exclamation points, but honestly I understand what you mean about people thinking you are incapable because you have AS. I don't tell anybody about mind. Not only is it not their business, but I'm scared of that kind of reaction. Forget what they say and think, prove them wrong. Thats how you erase stereotypes, by proving them wrong. Even if you are very angry or hurt, when people say things like that, get an amused look on your face like you pity them for not knowing any facts at all about AS and say "Well, I don't think you have all the information you need to make that kind of statement, but it's your opinion and you're entitled to it, now about the problem we were discussing before you decided to bring my personal issues into it..." or some such comment.

Prove them wrong by showing them you are capable. If you back down and let someone else handle it, they win and think they are right, that you aren't doing it because you "can't". I got confidence in you that you can do this, don't give in!

::cue Rocky theme::

Yeah, amused annoyance is probably a better response than contained rage.

Everyone expects us to lose our tempers. Very few expect to be looked down upon by a "defective."

Guess if they're shocked they'll have to listen, by virtue of being at a loss for how to respond.

He doesn't really have time to handle this anyway. Closing on a house, and really slammed at work. They look at his last name (classic Irish) and somehow he gets stuck dealing with all the Catholic church remodeling projects. Evidently the local diocese is incapable of making decisions that don't deal with matters of dogma...

Hey now, you are not defective! If you were defective you wouldn't care about your child's teeth. You obviously cared enough to go to the dentist, and had enough sense to do that!

People hear "autism" and think absolutely the worst case scenario, or Rain Man, or possibly some savant. That's honestly what I used to think. I got dx'd a few years back and had never heard of Aspergers. One of the teenage boys who came to play video games with my kids and the neighbors kids had it and noticed that I did too after getting to know me, and tried to talk to me about it. I was completely clueless. I did some research and talked to him some more when he came over and all. Finally went to a dr to find out if I did have it. Out of curiosity really. Theres nothing that can be done about it. I function just fine and I'm used to me, and being me, and so is my family and the people who actually count, so OK. I only need meds occasionally for depression and very occasionally for anxiety, and I know that I have depression and anxiety and what I take and the dose, so not counting the occasional egotistical young doctor, I don't have a problem being matter of fact and telling them what I need, and I usually get it.

Being dx'd helped a lot. I used to think I just had uncontrollable "temper fits" or something. "Spells" as my Mother calls them. "Frances had a spell again. I swear! That girl needs to be on something!" Now that I know what actually brings them on, I can recognize it. Once I knew what they were, I started analyzing what went on before a meltdown and I see what brings them on now, and when those things start happening, I try to distract or control myself somewhat. Of course I still have them, but not as often. They are also usually not anywhere near as bad as they were and don't last as long and aren't as violent.

But, I got off on a totally different subject, as I tend to do. Sorry about that.

The only way to make them see that you aren't defective or disabled or handicapped or incapable or irresponsible, etc, is to show them that you aren't. Yes, of course talk down to them if they are obvious idiots like that! They can help being that way. So you can talk down to them without feeling bad. They are in a pseudo-medical field and should have a clue about something like that. They have access to information, they were just to lazy to look at it.

Make sure in your complaint letter you talk about their lack of professionalism as well as how offensive they were. I'd also mention being surprised that someone in a medical related field didn't understand the basics of autism, because they will surely see autistic patients, many of which are at the higher functioning end of the spectrum and won't have any need to tell them that they are autistic.

When are you going to write your letter?

Probably this weekend. After I chew over exactly what to say.

This is why I have refused to try making kids.

Not only does the Nanny State increasingly attack parental rights, furthermore, the innate complications of my ASD and possible passage of it to offspring are a serious contrary indication.