oceandrop wrote:
I feel horrible.
It's mostly the fault of my uncle who messed with my head over many years.
I thought he was being genuinely nice but I realized he had a serious issue with envy, pre-dating even my birth (with my dad), and it culminated in him trying to bring me down in many different ways.
My self-esteem has suffered immensely and I no longer feel any ambition.
He even went so low as to insult the memory of my father, who died 12 years ago. My Dad was a very funny and likeable person, but my uncle consistently rejected any praise I had for him and after several years of tolerating this I realized how cruel he is and how it damaged my confidence.
In other words, he attacked me from every angle possible and I understand now what Jesus meant when He likened hatred to murder.
I was confused because he would occasionally do nice things for me too. It was only after reading about Jerry Sandusky and how he would be nice to kids and buy them gifts before abusing them that I realized it was totally possible for a person to seem like a friend but actually be very sinister at the same time.
It's been two years since I seen him but I am still depressed every day. I even started self-harming again using razor blades on my arms. I think my AS is making it very difficult to move on, as I keep going over things in my head: the times he became angry when I did well and joyful when I didn't, the times he said hurtful things and tried to pull me down, the times he belittled me, and the times he told inconsistent stories about my dad, but I could tell he was lying because he kept contradicting himself.
I'm deeply hurt and want to move on with my life but my brain isn't letting me. I have read books on forgiveness, humility, developing positive self-talk, personal development and on and on but I still can't shake it.
I turned the cheek so much but now realize I was just naive and have emotional scars I'm not sure will ever heal. If anything the more I think about it the worse it gets. I talked to my mom and she told me she is worried I will make myself ill if I keep thinking about it, but I can't move on. I started visiting a neurologist a few months ago and that hasn't helped either.
I'm dying inside.
You must break the pattern of abuse. You must come to understand that your uncle is a weak and ignorant man with no will and that this has nothing to do with you. You must shake off the demons that he put on you because you were MEANT to rise above this. You are special. If your Uncle wants to heal, then he must learn on his own, the torment and pain that he has caused you because of his Ignorance will end now. You are free from this burden. You will suffer no more. See, these patterns of abuse keep repeating but you are the one who breaks the bond. You will learn to love yourself and see your self for the precious and beautiful person that you are and are meant to become. Let us rise together and walk into the light, away from all of the darkness and corruption, may something help them, God bless but WE must move on. We must move on to happiness and a better world. If you have facebook, search my name "Sanche Nuss". I am the only one with that name and add me.
21 Dec 2011, 9:48 pm
to hear that your uncle is such a mean man. Maybe he is nice towards other people, but the way he treats you is best described as "toxic". Yes, people can mask ill intentions with friendliness, especially NTs. Recently, I have been dealing with NTs who try to bribe me into revealing certain info about myself so that they can use me as gossip fodder. I guess that you might be harming yourself with razor blades cos you don't have the heart to harm your uncle, but believe me, I've started self-harming at a very young age, so I can tell you that infected wounds are no joke. I'm sorry that I can't help you when I can't even help myself. The only advice I can give is to keep those razor blades away so that you won't end up with any infected wound.
