Mother issues

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Hello,

I originally typed this message to be like 7 paragraphs (seperated cleanly of course) but I've decided it is probably a much more better option to get to the point. My name is Troy, I'm 22 years old, I was diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome and mild anxiety when I was 19 and my mother has ping ponged between acceptance, denial, acceptance, and being aprehensive. At first she just wanted me to accept that I'm different and it doesn't make me any less then anyone else around me. Then when I finally accepted it I told my only friend and she told me I don't have to tell everyone.

I only wanted him to understand and accept me, when I explain this to people I do it in hopes that instead of expecting me to be like them, they can instead notice that I'm different and not make a big deal about it. Lately she has been leaning towards being aprehensive, for example when I would rather go down a different shopping isle because I feel it is overcrowded with people and don't feel like weaving in between other people's shopping carts with them looking at me etc.

When I explain to her I am more comfortable in lesser crowded areas or being around her instead of away from her in crowded areas she thinks i'm making up excuses or using my syndrome as one. Also, she doesn't push me often but when she does it's pretty damn hard. I'm used to having peace and quiet alone with my computer and books. She likes to do things such as organize parties to where I will have to acknowledge at least a few people just walking to my own kitchen. This is way out of my comfort zone as they are invading it unplanned or unscheduled, she seems to enjoy pushing me into these horribly uncomfortable situations and telling me what I could have done better once I fail (which is always inevitable).

How do I explain that I will cross my thresholds at my own pace to a woman who reads a few Dr.Phil books and thinks she's a body language expert and psychologist? She prizes herself on being able to read people and influence or manipulate them. She thinks she's always right because she "reads" how they're wrong or if they're lying etc.. I think she gets frustrated because she can't read me like she can other people, and we have never been close enough for her to know me or things I do when I feel certain ways like my sister has (who has now left me recently).

A big change is happening in my life right after new years and i'm going to have to adapt to a lot VERY fast, I don't know how i'm going to be able to do it.. New house, loud city, mother who doesn't listen or understand or even care to try, She'd rather read books and tell me i'm wrong or making excuses. Also, if I fail in any way in this new city and my mom can't get a job either etc. I'd be done, I've already been homeless 3 times and I was lucky that my sister was nice enough to call people for me as I didn't have a phone. (I'd also like to know every single time i've ever been "saved" from being homeless, I was always worse after (half my stuff stolen etc))

I don't know what to do :/ Doesn't seem like writing this helps either but it makes me feel a little bit better just to type it I suppose, like writing an angry letter then ripping it up and burning it after.

Hello Troy,

I'm tempted to advise you copy all you've said here into a letter to give to your mom at a time when you can be physically away from where you're living as she reads it. It would be great if she "got" what you're saying, but most likely if that was possible you wouldn't have written this post to begin with.

Life isn't easy for anyone, even for people who put on an act to have others think so. No matter what people may be able to accumulate (riches, fame, etc.), no one can escape being human. Other people can only make us as miserable as we allow them to. My words may sound cliche, but they honestly express reality. And they are spoken from the mind of an Aspie who has been through more affliction than others could possibly comprehend.

Throughout my growing up years, I never heard of the term "comfort zone." In hindsight, rarely did I get to experience living in it. The only type of "comfort zone" I've been able to achieve is the one I spent my entire life striving to create by changing my expectations and thinking. It only works because it is not dependent upon external events. The changes in my expectations and thinking all stem from complete faith and obedience to the Bible. The more I grow spiritually, the more I see how much I've fail at being a "good" person in God's eyes. That may sound depressing, but actually it has the opposite effect. Life becomes more joyful because of realizing that only God is capable of perfect love and when we discover His love for us, we learn we have everything even if we have nothing in this world. Parents may have sincere motives aimed towards what they believe to be the right direction, but when all is said and done, every human being is flawed in different ways.

Forgive the flaws. Use what's useful, constructive, and positive... but do so in the spirit of love, not bitterness. You are comfortable in familiar surroundings of your choosing. What you don't know is that you can be comfortable with who you are even in environments that are not your "comfort zone." The more you believe you need your external surroundings (including people like your mom) to "fit" before you can be comfortable, the less you are going to be able to adjust to life. You will end up being your own enemy because you are not taking care of yourself.

No one can truly begin to take care of themselves properly without first becoming broken to the core. See afflictions as challenges to follow the path that leads to discovering your unique capabilities. It's worth it in the end, but no one who rebels against distasteful events ever finds this pot of gold that lasts forever.

P.S. - I have an Aspie cousin who is homeless. She has been that way for almost 2 decades. She is 61 yrs. old and has never been as content with life as she now is. Others may look at her and think she is a loser. I see otherwise. To me, she displays an admirable winning attitude. When that's healthy, the body usually responds likewise. In her case, she looks 20 yrs. younger than her age.

"she thinks i'm making up excuses or using my syndrome as one."
"organize parties to where I will have to acknowledge at least a few people just walking to my own kitchen. This is way out of my comfort zone as they are invading it unplanned or unscheduled, she seems to enjoy pushing me into these horribly uncomfortable situations and telling me what I could have done better once I fail"
"mother who doesn't listen or understand or even care to try, She'd rather read books and tell me i'm wrong or making excuses"

RIGHT THERE
i would just stop talking to that person.

if you can't, then next time, just say something like "No. Enough." very firmly. if she throws a few basic psychological techniques/quotes after that just walk away. that's ridiculous, you don't need to enter social situations which you feel incredibly uncomfortable to prove a point to a person who doesn't understand you. better to take advice from a person who does, or is willing to understand.
it's better to do that and deal with other problems, then to deal with both homelessness AND this person. one less problem. you don't need to prove anything to her anymore, or ask for her acceptance. next time she says you're making excuses, tell her to "stop pretending your dr. phil" and just walk away. she doesn't want to take the less crowded route in the mall? don't go with her.
hope that helped...

You should tell her that you're not playing her games anymore and that you no longer wish to be her friend and that her and you were never friends to begin with.

This thread explains me too! My mom has a nasty bad habit of 'overstocking'(a.k.a trying to stuff as many packs of ground beef in the freezer or cramming as many piles of dried food & sardines in the rear storage cabinet). My grandmother, in the other hand is a saver. She only buys things from the green grocer's when needed. As for me, I try to make out of what I already have and like my grandma, buy only what I need.

My mom always lights on fire whenever I or my grandmother try to explain that her way of buying food is ridiculous. I mean, a lot of the food in fact goes expired! How stupid is that?! And today, my mom order 2 small wooden cabinets to make a table with and she sent me to the store(actually a Tesco supermarket) to retrieve the cabinets. I was also told to buy chocolate to bring my total payment above a certain price to get a discount coupon or something. Well, I forgot and THOUGHT that I had to get the candy AFTER whilst I had to buy it with the cabinets. I called her and she asked and got mad. I felt like running away but decided to get a cab home anyways. We gave each other cold shoulders and pretty much now, I don't know what to do. Should I trust her? Should I still try to urge her to cut down and be more frugal? It's basically a bad day for me..