Confused, Extremely Tired, Depressed, Sick and Suicidal

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I have been doing a lot of thinking and reading posts on WP lately. I feel confused as to my place in the world. I feel like I don't matter and that nobody would care if I were to kill myself other than my family and a few close friends. I feel ASHAMED that I have this insidious syndrome. This syndrome is not a blessing for me, it is a curse. I don't like having it even though the diagnosis I was given was mild. I feel that because of this syndrome I will: be alone for the rest of my life, never have a wife, incapable of raising children, destined for failure, etc., etc. I want a CURE NOW!! !! ! How can you all not want a cure when life on the spectrum is a living hell. There is nothing good about having Aspergers. I don't care what anybody says. Nobody other than my family and a few close friends care about what I do, what I say, what I like and what I think and believe. It's easy for you all to dish out advise. You have never experienced what I feel. I hate that about WP. Everybody who responds to the posts on here feels superior when they post a reply to a post of someone who is suicidal because they feel they are faking. I AM NOT FAKING!! !! Your mind games will not work on me. This is supposed to be a community of support and not a community of tearing people down. That is what Alex Plank set out to do when he created WP years ago. If I were to kill myself, I would be forgotten but it would not matter because nobody cares about me now. I have always been made to feel stupid because I am different. I am not stupid. But, when you are made to feel that way on a daily basis, you start to think it. The supposed spokespeople of "Autism": Temple Grandin, Alex Plank, Taylor Morris and Jason Ross act as if they have never been depressed, suicidal and anxious. These are not the people who should be representing us!! ! They are showing that we, as a spectrum, are happy and OK with Aspergers. Many of us are not happy. Many of us want a cure. The media wants NTs to think that many of us do not. I see the future and I see myself being alone, without a girlfriend/wife, and finally killing myself. As a Comedian, The Late Bill Hicks, said in many of his stand up shows, "Life is just a ride." If Life is just a ride, I want off. I hate that even in my area of interest people have to be cooler than me. They have to ignore what I'm doing to satisfy their massive ego. I am 22 and bitter. I hate my life and I hate myself. How can I love myself when I'm so messed up inside. Who would want to love me and be in a relationship with me if I'm so messed up inside? Answer: NOBODY!! ! I am unattractive on the inside and outside. I look ugly and feel ugly.

I apologize for rambling on but WP is the only place that I can do this. Nobody understands and thinks what I feel is minor in the great scheme of things. I do have it much, much better than some on WP but I'm still unhappy. No amount of advise and cynicism can change that. Autism needs a spokesperson who can show the depths of despair we go through on a daily basis. "Look at me. Who am I supposed to be? Who am I supposed to be?" - John Lennon

All I can say is I know exactly how you feel. I actually have what may be seen as a "good life" to many people but I still hate it, and hate myself. Because of these problems I mess up everything good I could ever have.

The only positive thing I have to say is that things can always change.

@nekowafer I hope so. I'm glad to see I'm not the only one.

Well I've given advice to many people on WP and other forums not to go ahead with suicide, but I have never felt that because I'm not suicidal (at the time) and they are, I am better than them or that they are just complaining for no reason or are faking it. The truth is people only really have a grasp of their own lives, and generalize other people and their problems. The saying that you "have to walk a mile in someone else shoes" is meant to make us aware that we cannot judge another person correctly or absolutely, it is impossible, but we can try at least to give them the benefit of the doubt.

I had my own stage of sheer misery, maybe even similar to what you're experiencing now. The only people in my life then and now is my family and even they could not grasp the extent of what I was feeling. I also feel that maybe me having a gf or wife, is not possible for the same reasons you have suggested. Life is always gonna throw a spanner in the works no matter who you are, or where you're from. I have realized that to live a life without problems is impossible, all we can really do is change the way we react to them. I hope this helps. As for the other issues you raised maybe someone else with a better grasp on those can help you out.

It seems to me that most of the people who don't want a cure are the lucky few with AS who happen to have a few close friends and a spouse (or asexual).

For the other 95% of us, AS is nothing but a wrecker of lives.

I sometimes get so furious at the "aspie power" posters that I fantasize about gouging their eyes out and chopping their limbs off.

Then I'll ask them how they feel about thier "blind/amputee power".

@i_wanna_blue Thank you. I'm glad to see that you don't feel that way

@Molecular_Biologist Great point. Glad to see you agree with the sham that is the "Aspie Power" movement and the fact that most of us want a cure.

I typically don't have the energy to get furious at those who see their AS as a gift or shout "Aspie Power" from the rooftops. I too see it as a curse. I'd give anything to have a pill to swallow so that I could become NT. I've had at least one person whom I care for a lot tell me they wouldn't want me to, and I do understand why they feel that way, but on balance, it's brought me more misery than happiness, by a long shot. Hell, I think it would help me to understand why I've f*cked up so many of my relationships with other people and that in itself would be priceless because then I could LEARN SOMETHING instead of floating about not knowing how to prevent this heartbreak and agony from happening again. Sh!t, I hate it.

I don't like to see anyone suicidal, even though I'm there myself and have been there many times before. I'm only here because of my children. When they're grown, I won't be here any more unless I can find a way to not be alone. I can't stand the loneliness I'm feeling, or the repeated loss of the few people I get close to. I'm walking through fire for my children right now, but as soon as they don't absolutely need me anymore, I'm off this ride too if I don't find a way to fix this. BUT, you have more time than I do, so PLEASE continue to search for your own way to make things bearable for yourself.

~Kate

dude, the extremely tired, depressed sick etc tag line attracted me to your post.

most people who are depresed dont even know it.

your lucky if you are that self aware.

I'm glad that those few who are happy with AS are happy, I really am. I don't want anyone to be miserable.

My problem the "aspie power" types is that they tend to dismiss the misery it inflicts on others and marginalize those want to be normal.

I don't want to generalize too much here as not all the "aspie power" posters are like that.

However, some of them are very angry, nasty people who loath the NT world.

I wonder if they are really happy with their AS or their "aspie power" attitude is really some kind of defensive mechanism for the bullying they have received and their frustration at being abnormal.

The same kind of "us vs them" superior attitude can be seen in other disability groups, most notably the deaf and dwarfism disability communities. Its not unique to the AS forums.

Exactly,

I wish I had the advantages self-knowledge that the younger generation of AS has, instead of been awoken to AS at the age of 30 after spending my 20's flailing around.

If I had know then what I know now, my life would have been far better than what it is now.


PLEASE hold out for a while longer.

At the age of 22, you still have 2 decades of youth left to make things right.

I was almost 40 before I realized (self-diagnosed) what I had, and over 40 by the time I was diagnosed by someone other than myself (although I am qualified to diagnose others). I really wish I'd known earlier in life what was going on. I think I have developed a lot of defensive habits and suffered a lot of depression that I wouldn't have had to deal with if I had known earlier. I'm only in my 40s so technically I have lots of time left, but I am so tired and worn down by all the decades of screwing up relationships (my professional life, thankfully, has been relatively spared so at least I can hide out in work during the daytime) that I don't know if I can handle it emotionally. I hope that the OP takes our advice and works through it, though.

~Kate

Yeah, I've seen that too in other disability groups. I sometimes get miffed at NTs who don't make *any* effort to understand and those who don't see any physical difference between autistics and them and assume there *is* none, but I don't generalize that to all NTs. I also don't generalize to all "aspie power" people the negativity of some, because I really do think some have found a way to overcome the isolation that comes with AS and either be happy with what social contact they have or find a way to have more. I am happy for them and wish I could do the same, either find some way to not *need* relationships or figure out what I'm doing wrong and fix it. That, of course would be tons easier if other people would (calmly, not in a hostile manner) just TELL ME what I did that caused them not to want to continue their relationship with me, whether or not it was my fault...even if it was simply that they wanted to go skydiving more often and I don't like skydiving, for pete's sake!

Off topic, are you really a molecular biologist? That was one of my favorite courses in undergrad.

~Kate

Yes, finishing my PhD in a few months, and then going into the biotech industry.

I do however regret going down this career path though. I choose it because it was a special interest of mine.

While I don't dislike the actual work, the demands of the PhD program have worsened my social isolation.

I should have gone into software engineering, that is what I had planned on doing in high school.

However back then everyone around me warned me that all that work was going to be outsourced to India and that eventually I wouldn't be able to get a job.

I realize now that those warnings were greatly overstated. If I had chosen software engineering instead of biology, I would have been able to get a decent job in my early 20s with just a 4 year degree and had more time to work on my social difficulties.

my mom committed suicide with a gun. don't do it. you f-up your family for life. have you considered any changes you can make in your life? new interests? take some classes? change your diet? meditation?
just curious.
oh, and your aspieness will not stop you from receiving love. i am an NT and i love an aspie guy very much. you just need to learn how to *truly give it* and it will come to you. and you are not ugly. the "ugliest" people in the world can be so beautiful and the "beautiful" person can actually be the most horrible. it's all about personality and heart. be strong and shift something in your life/get out of your rut if you can for a while and get some new perspective.

I was about to make a thread which was going to be a 100% the same as yours. I feel the exact same way. I know if I did kill myself less than 5 people of 4.6 billion would care. And those would forget me in a month.

Interestingly, I also chose my education and work based on a special interest, and it also involved lengthy education and training that I wasn't finished with until I was 32 years old. I do and don't regret it. I do because it also involved mega student loans and a change in health care economics that made the student loans an albatross...and because of the same things you cite...I didn't have time to work on anything BUT. I don't because I truly love the neurological field and it's fascinating...I never get bored. Being a special interest, it's also relatively easy to lose myself in during the daytime.

~Kate