there was never a point.

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no one will read this. no one will give any meaningful response. by the time i am done thumping futilely away on this laptop, i'll have produced an instant tl/dr. but that's fine. as it should be. i'm tired. i am so tired of going on this way. that is it. i give. i concede. i'd been trying to fight it. i keep trying to be normal and happy. i cant. and on top of that my family hates me. i am a disappointment. anxiety, depression, asperger's...it doesnt matter. they have their own issues and they manage to deal with them and life. i should do the same. the fact that i am not is shameful.i am tired of being the cause of their embarrassment. i am tired of being their burden. i am tired of always having to feel guilty because, at my age, i should be on my own and taking care of myself rather than being here and being a bad influence on my sisters with all of my craziness. i try to be independent. i try. i make plans. they always fall through. i found someone willing to move in with me...and then suddenly he decided to spring a completely ridiculous condition on me. one that i could not meet. i got a job, but it causes me panic attacks and i am always late because, while i have a car, i have no license. another source of shame. my mother spent her hard earned money buying me a car and i have still not gotten my license. now we are in the hole, financially, because of it. everyday she becomes more and more angry about the fact that i am not picking up driving as quickly as i should. she could drive when she was. i am struggling with it at 20. i'm a ret*d. i hate myself. i used to be able to say, with absolute certainty, that i would never be so selfish as to kill myself. now i am not so sure. it seems that me continuing to live and take away from my siblings who are of the appropriate age to be take care of is more selfish. it seems that making my mom constantly feel angry and worried and disappointed is more selfish.

You shouldn't attempt suicide because it has a horrible effect on family members and friends, and if you fail it will cause bad things to happen in your life. I know because my "attempted suicide" (more like someone else's attempted murder) had a really bad effect on my family, and for a long time my mom was mad at me. I had to go to a hospital where people didn't understand me and thought I was proud of what I did, and I had to go to a horrible school where everyone was loud and kept touching me and made fun of me after they provoked breakdowns.

I can't convey how my mom felt about what happened because I don't know how she felt, but I know that it greatly intensified her depression. I do know that no matter how much frustration or pain you're supposedly bringing upon your mom right now, it will never come close to being as bad as what she would feel if you attempted to kill yourself. It would be even worse if you succeeded.

One good thing that came of the "attempted suicide" was that I got more psychological help. Instead of attempting suicide just to get psychological help, though, I suggest that you tell your psychologist about your suicidal feelings and try to fix the things in your life that are making things harder for you and your family.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

(it just became the new year where I am)

Don't try to let yourself down like this, I wish there were a way I could help you. Life may at times suck and things won't go your way, but there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Do you see a therapist? If you can find a good therapist, it will go a long way to learn how to better yourself as a person and to appreciate the better things in life. Having aspergers can be good or bad but it makes us unique to the world around us.

Try to make 2012 a year to make things better. Understand you are unique and that you have potential. You can PM me if you want to talk, some people may not be that understanding but other aspies like us are and we learn something new every day.

It saddens me that so many people, including myself at times, feel this way about themselves.

At 20, you have not yet even begun to live yet. I hope you're in counseling about these issues, and can find, in God or otherwise, the will to continue to live.

I notice you've posted a lot, so you obviously mean more to people around here than you think!

Happy New Year!

Rob

blackcat, i think you are awesome. i look forward to your smart and heartfelt posts here, so your words don't fall on deaf ears or anything.

i am twice your age and i've never really been independent. i have also felt like a burden of sorts. i cannot drive either, and i do not think i ever will.

i understand that you are stuck in a negative situation yet can't really escape too easily. perhaps your focus should be on moving out... but your way instead of trying to meet your family's conditions. maybe work part time and save everything you can, or live in a group home for aspies or something. i think that you are losing your self-esteem under the influence of your family and it has become unhealthy for you.

your life is not easy, i know. it's true that you are not normal, but that doesn't make you any less of a fantastic human being. we care about you here and you are not a burden to us.

(((((hugs)))))

i highly doubt that it would bother her very much. my siblings would be upset but they are so young that they would eventually sort of forget about me. my mom would just call me stupid and move on. I have not tried to kill myself. I just think about it a lot lately. I no longer see a psychologist beause, as i cannot yet legally drive, my mom was taking me and decided that she did not feel like having to do that when she already had to take me to work and college and also felt that it was a waste of time because i was not seeing a PEZ dispenser.

i am sorry that you also feel this way at times. i would not wish it on anyone. i am fairly certain that God hates me, as i am a horrible person. i suppose you could say i post a lot, but bear in mind that i have posted that much over the span of nearly 6 years. i dont mean anything to anyone here. i ot really. i'm just some random person on the internet.

hyperlexian, i dont believe that for a moment, but i will "take the damn compliment". i can drive. just not very well. i have driven maybe 10 times since i was 16. my mom feels that because i am 20 and have ridden in a car for many many years, that i should not need practice. she was able to drive, easily, at 14. and unlike me, she BEGGED to drive at that age. i had no real interest until i was 18. no one had the time to let me practice then, and no one feels like it now. she bought me a car. spent three grand on ME. i asked her if this would be a problem. if getting me practice would be an issue. i asked repeatedly and obsessed over how once i had it, no one would feel like being bothered and it would sit and be a waste of money. she assured me that it wouldnt...and i still didnt want her to get it. she did it anyway, as a surprise. i came home from work one day and there it was. since then...it has been an issue. the very issue she assured me would not happen. no one wants to be bothered. she answered the way she did expecting to be able to drive with me once and then send me off for my license. she says it shouldnt be this hard. when i tell her that it is, she asks me if i am ret*d. she is angry that i have a car and she still has to drive me to work and college. she is angry because....she has three KIDS. only one that is school aged. she feels that when the school aged child is off on holiday, she (mom) should not have to drive anywhere. which i guess is true. i'm screwing up her time off.

as for moving...i cannot afford rent. i would need to find at least one other person willing to live with me and split the rent. i do not make enough at my part time job. and i know that this sounds selfish and lazy, but i really dont think i am ready for full time work. i can barely deal with part time. i am so pathetic. i have panic attacks before i go to work. i am constantly in a state of high anxiety while i am there. i hate it. my mom especially has a problem with the fact that i cant even really handle part time as a cashier. i give her my checks to pay for the car she bought me. she needs my income to help with the bills...so hearing me say to her that i am overwhelmed and want to quit really pisses her off. she says she knew she should not have done something like that for me and that she'll never do it again. despite the fact that i never quit even when customers scream at me, say nasty things, get their germs all over me when i am weird about germs (an appalling number of people do not cover their mouths and noses when they cough and sneeze and some will dig in their noses in line and then try to touch me when the give me their money or say something that they feel is very funny) but still manage to be a failure in her eyes. because i complain about it. not constantly, but enough. i really hate myself. i am not even trying to BE normal. i just want some semblance of normalcy. i want to be able to make my family proud instead of constantly tell me what i am doing wrong and how embarrassed of me they are. i am tired of hearing about how much more intelligent than my cousins i am and how they are doing much better in college and life and that, clearly, i am doing poorly intentionally and panic disorder and depression and asperger's dont make people fail their classes or make them too afraid to go in when they are late and that anything and everything i say is an excuse. i am just tired of it all. i'm tired of being a freak. i am tired of being too smart to struggle. it's not like i am even that smart. as of third grade my IQ is somewhere in the 130s (has likely dropped since then) and i cried and freaked out during the entire thing. they probably gave me some mercy points. it's stupid. i am tired of having IQ test scores from 1999 thrown in my face every time i find something difficult. i mean...i struggled with math from middle school on! and all anyone could say was "you've got a (insert number here) IQ. if you really CARED about doing the work, you could do it." when reading the entire little book they sent home about me would indicate that i have some difficulty there. my verbal score was over twenty points higher than my performance score ffs. clearly something was a bit awry. anyway...i've started ranting.

blackcat,
I've felt the way you're feeling now, and it's horrible.
You're not alone.
Is there anyone you can speak to about how you're feeling? GP, counsellor, psychologist etc?
What do you enjoy doing? Try and do at least one thing you enjoy every day
And take each day as it comes
How do you relax? Try and do something relaxing daily
And last of all:
Remember it's your life. Not your parents. Society places expectations on everybody, but it's ok to go at your own pace.
I don't know what else to write.

i agree with the awesome advice in this thread, about therapy and doing things you love.

blackcat, being a cashier is a highly stressful job, so it makes perfect sense that would be hard for you. you may want to consider working less with the public or in a less fast-paced environment.just an idea though.

i know that moving out and driving are big goals. you are young still though, and have time to work your way towards those things slowly. try to listen a little less to what your family and society say you "should" be doing, and maybe create your own timeline for progress, with slower baby steps.

keep in mind you are already doing very well by working part-time and driving a little bit - many aspies of your age may have difficulties with that. be proud and remember you are accoomplishing things, but in your own way.

It's almost like you're speaking my mind, except on a bit different matters... I know all too well how you feel, except that I've never had a job, to add to it. I have filth problems, too, by the way. -_- I'm about to give up, also... I'm giving it this year, and if I don't find the happiness I seek, before the year's end, I suppose I will do my best to give up, entirely... unless something exciting indeed would happen at the end of this year, with the various prophecies in mind... now that would maybe give me some energy to keep going, a while longer, until I'd hypothetically find my true love (the thought of finding her is what is keeping me alive).

Don't tell any psychologist or psychiatrist, or any similar person, of your suicidal feelings. They have the right to do whatever it takes to "put your mind right" or "save you from yourself", then, which includes being injected neuroleptics through the ass (so they have the right to rape, even, in other words). Those people are very dangerous, and even the kind ones (which are very rare) are mostly useless, anyway... just some random stranger that would be supposed to care. My friendly and unusually competent "therapist" (I put it in citations, as she could never help me) sure enough isn't calling me, to see how I'm doing, now that I don't go to her, anymore... total pointlessness. And then you have to guard your tongue, anyway... can't say so many things, including the s word (it does start with an s in Swedish, too :p).

...I don't mean to bring your mood down further, by the way. >_> I hope I didn't. By the way, if work is so difficult for you, can't you somehow get disability, then? I know someone in the US who doesn't work and instead gets disability, due to the Asperger's diagnosis. Do you have an official Asperger's diagnosis? However, I suppose it probably differs from state to state, if that gives you any disability benefits. :/ Then again, maybe you don't even live in the US.

I hope you can learn to drive. What is it that you have difficulties with? I have never gotten a driving licence, either, and I'm already thirty. =_= Never even tried to get it, though.

If you want me to, and you do live in the US, I'll ask the person I know about the disability thing - although I'm sure that others here should be able to address that thought, as well?

my mom is growing impatient and wants me out before i infect the children with me weirdness. or any more than i have. when they do weirdo things, i get blamed. she searches through my things to FIND reasons to complain. find things that can lead to a "this is why you need to hurry up and find your own place" conversation. my own way does not suit her.