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Not Hating Myself

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BuyerBeware
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31 Dec 2011, 6:46 pm

I'd really, really like to stop hating myself. I'd like to go back to being happy.

Deep-- or not so deep-- down, I actually like me. Kind of a lot. I kind of think I'm pretty cool. Smart and funny and caring and good at things. Not everything-- but some things.

Trouble is, I'm afraid to. Like myself.

There's a huge part of the typical AS experience I never had-- being misdiagnosed as oppositional/defiant, getting into all kinds of trouble, et cetera. I have, for the most part, always been a "good Aspie." Very quiet, passive, well-behaved.

I never had that bad trip because I never liked myself, never let myself think of myself as a person on equal terms with everyone else. From the time I was old enough to understand the idea of "difference," I understood that difference equals deficit and for the most part tried to kiss ass and be invisible.

I can't live that way any more. It makes me sick. Hopelessly sad, furious, full of hate, it will drive me to suicide again as soon as I'm not a life-support system for another human being.

I want to be a person too. And not just in the therapist's office, where I'm paying for the privilege of being myself.

I have to either find an alternative, or remove myself from the company of the human race.


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sunshower
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01 Jan 2012, 2:01 am

I understand. I know how hard it is when you want to like yourself but you're just too afraid to. And I relate to the feelings you describe when you tried to live for others and not yourself, as I am also trying to learn not to do this any more.

I've also found that the more you are able to like and respect yourself, and what YOU need and want, the more other people will do. Plus more of the negative influences will be removed from your life as you'll find you will no longer tolerate what you did before.

I hope you are able to head down this path because it's a good one. I've barely begun, but I've seen so many positive changes in my life already. Big hugs.


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blueroses
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04 Jan 2012, 6:32 pm

BuyerBeware wrote:
There's a huge part of the typical AS experience I never had-- being misdiagnosed as oppositional/defiant, getting into all kinds of trouble, et cetera. I have, for the most part, always been a "good Aspie." Very quiet, passive, well-behaved.

I never had that bad trip because I never liked myself, never let myself think of myself as a person on equal terms with everyone else. From the time I was old enough to understand the idea of "difference," I understood that difference equals deficit and for the most part tried to kiss ass and be invisible.


Actually, I don't think what you are describing is all that atypical for women with Asperger's. A lot of us are conditioned to try to go through life that way and it wouldn't surprise me if it's a big part of why it's so under-diagnosed in women and we often get diagnosed later in life then men. I wish I had useful advice to give on how to break out of it, but if it helps at all, you definitely aren't alone.



BuyerBeware
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05 Jan 2012, 12:55 pm

blueroses wrote:
BuyerBeware wrote:
There's a huge part of the typical AS experience I never had-- being misdiagnosed as oppositional/defiant, getting into all kinds of trouble, et cetera. I have, for the most part, always been a "good Aspie." Very quiet, passive, well-behaved.

I never had that bad trip because I never liked myself, never let myself think of myself as a person on equal terms with everyone else. From the time I was old enough to understand the idea of "difference," I understood that difference equals deficit and for the most part tried to kiss ass and be invisible.


Actually, I don't think what you are describing is all that atypical for women with Asperger's. A lot of us are conditioned to try to go through life that way and it wouldn't surprise me if it's a big part of why it's so under-diagnosed in women and we often get diagnosed later in life then men. I wish I had useful advice to give on how to break out of it, but if it helps at all, you definitely aren't alone.


I've no doubt you're right.

And, yeah, I definitely need some advice. I keep thinking trying to break out of it is going to turn out to be a bad idea, something I'll regret...

...but living this way is killing me.


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"Alas, our dried voices when we whisper together are quiet and meaningless, as wind in dry grass, or rats' feet over broken glass in our dry cellar." --TS Eliot, "The Hollow Men"