Can't Say I Love You..

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I've never said it out loud to my mother. So may things I've been through with her, constant verbal abuse, with our fights sometimes physical on her end, and her constant negativity.

No wonder I left her. I'm 25 and I finally have my independence, but still, miles away, I cannot say I miss her, even though she says it almost every day, and I cannot tell her that I love her. I've tried sometimes, when I feel bad about not being able to say it, but I just can't......something is stopping me.

I know she's my mother and that she loves me, but I've seen her at her worst since I was 4 years old and cannot erase the past, no matter how much I want to. It's always there. =(

I wouldn't worry about it too much. My family and I are close, but none of us ever really say those words. Guess we find it a bit unnecessary; they don't need to be said. Then again, I think I've always had trouble with that kind of thing - I've always associated the word "love" with mates, and mates only. Has caused a bit of confusion early on with friends who used it casually.

So while I can't relate to having a relationship as strained as yours seems, I think that that is justified. Just because you are related doesn't mean that you should feel obligated to love her. People should always be responsible for their actions regardless of their connection to you.

Thanks Boxman.....and for some reason, I can say it to mates, and friends, obviously only my best friends, but never ever to her.

Marie, I can identify completely with your remarks. I felt more comfortable when my mother called me an SOB than when she said she loved me. The former was consistent with her behavior toward me; the latter wasn't.

Both of my parents died within two years of each other. I felt nothing when they died, and felt really guilty about it for a long time. I had to realize that my feelings toward them were a direct result of their behavior toward me.

If your situation is anything like mine, the reason you feel the way you do is because of the way your parents treated you. When I quit hating myself, I quit having anything to do with my family. I count too, and if my family can't accept that fact--which they can't-- then to hell with them.

Last edited by Dunnyveg on 07 Jan 2012, 1:47 pm, edited 1 time in total.

You say you have seen her at her worst. Do you think that means you don't love her and that is why you can not say it? Or do you love her? Was there also a lot of time and love she put into bringing you up, and you are only remembering the bad stuff?

I feel bad sometimes about my feelings for my family who have loved me, their way. I havent liked them always. I have been coerced and bullied by them, and my memory brings that to the fore, and I have to remind myself of all the other good stuff, then I feel love. Surviving life is hard, and we all cock up bad. I think I have been too harsh judging some of my family and I think I might also have struggled in their shoes.

An autistic friend of mine always acted to me like he doesn't love his mum, and he didnt say it, and to be honest she isn't very loveable. He tells stories of how coercive and manipulative she has been his whole life. You only have to be around her for ten minutes to see her being selfish and controling.

But, he started telling me the other day about how she had been when he was young. He remembered her having to work really hard to support them, making all his clothes, going without food, reading to him all the time, playing with him and cuddling him always, all love. At the same time when he became a difficult teenager she failed badly, she bullied, coerced and humiliated him. It seemed to me until recently he was only capable of remembering the bad and not feeling love.

He has more recently started to show he loves her, even if he cant say it, and its making them both happy.

When someone is abusive to you in your personal life, it is very difficult. If the good and the bad sort of balance out, it is easier to have pity on the worst parts and still love someone. But if someone is quite traumatically abusive to you, even if they go back and forth and sometimes "love" you... it becomes very painful and impossible to deal with the opposing messages. And because of that, returning the "love" or "missing" them becomes nearly impossible. It is easier for the abuser to "love" and "miss" you because they enjoyed you, but you were not alternately treating them like rubbish and then being decent when you wanted to be.

I speak from the experience of an abusive alcoholic ex. I lived in total confusion because of these opposite actions he would display, love and hate, and it made me just crazy because I wanted the love to last and take over. But it never did, around the corner was always more meanness and cruelty. He always wanted me to say the words I love you, but after a few years it felt like a lie to say it anymore because I didn't want to love him and put up with his vile treatment of me.

You don't have to return her love if you don't have it, and you do not have to say it if it would be a lie.

Just my two cents. good luck.

It can be okay to feel bad about it, but it's also worth being honest, that "mother" and "father" can be other names for God coming from the lips of a child. But mothers and fathers can make harsh mistakes, and as hard as they've tried, it is eminently possible for them to fail to measure up.



Yes it is. It's important not to dwell on it, but trying to forget or otherwise unlearn the past doesn't really work either.

Sometimes I wonder if the abusive parent finds it so easy to abuse [1] because he or she forgets that if the child survives, the child grows to become an adult person. Who remembers.

[1] I'm aware that I'm oversimplifying.

Your body stops you. If you can't say it, can you show it if you want to? Consider sending her something touching in the post. It might stop you feeling bad, and it might show her you love her...... if that is what you want.......

maybe you don't love her