Why...
11 Feb 2012, 12:29 pm
I have to talk about this. All my life i've been extremely honest, naive, and extremely loyal to everyone around me. I'll give 3 examples because its really getting on my nerves now and getting me really angry.I don't like complaining about my problems but sometimes I need to vent, is that ok? Maybe I'll talk about some other things.
I lost my best friend at age 6, one of the only friends I ever had, who taught me to ride a bicycle, which later proved essential in losing my weight from my severe 12 year game addiction I Had. Her father was probably abusive and her mom and her dad cut off all dies with me immediately.
Parents told me I had a sister who died at around age 8 or 9 (maybe 11 or 12?).
This was hard.
Had a good 'friend", another magician like me, knew him for 6 years. Manipulated me, had several felonys for armed robbery to a bank, couldn't get an apartment so used me as the person rseponsible (put me as head under the contract). Shortly after told me my parents and everyone I learned in school was a lie and not to trust them.I believed him, later on, I knew better and cut him off too. I had nightmares afterwards for a long time (still do sometimes.)
Was in DBT therapy for a good 6 months. Always was extermely good at keeping appointments and explaining . Often would wait there 2 hours before they open, to make it in time for therapy.
One day I was honest, and told the therapist I thought she was attractive - It might be getting in way of therapy a LITTLE BIT. It wasn't a big deal. I wish I would've kept my mouth shut if i knew what this would'ev leaded to...
She said they wanted the "best for me", and told me I had a choice but highly strongly recommended I see someone else (after I saw her for like 5 months..). So I ended up giving up, not being assertive because t hat's one of my problems too, going with someone else in the building.
At any rate, I was being put on ritalin at the same time for my chronic fatique syndrome by my neurlogist. I do not have ADD. I have persistent, severe, chronic fatique which is unrelentnig and constant. I can easily sleep 10 hours in a day, or more, and wake up just as tired as I went to bed (as if I hadn't slept for a whole week. 24/7).
Well, it was an 'Off label" prescription, meaning there's a grey line. It's not really meant to be given to people with chronic fatique. On top of that I don't think the doctor looked over my other meds or realized I was alerady on a pschy stimulent as well.
So I started taking it. Then something strange happened. All of a sudden I developed this really bad, extreme, anger, actually RAGE, towards my therapy. I wanted to kill them. I actually wasn't me. So I called a crisis number for mental health, they came and of course, by law had to tell my therapy about it. But I was honest. Of course, I was honest...
So later I get a call saying they will have to transfer me to another clinic instead of their main office. They said it was for my "clinical team's corporation." I found out later the real reason was "safety reasons" as told by to my case manager but not me. After I was hospitalized again, from this damn ritalin making me angry, they called me and said, "Unfortunately, she and I are both full. We can't have you here anymore. Goodluck."
That was it. The reason? They were full...which was hogwash. Not true. My psychiatrist later told me they called him too and it was because of "safety issues" to protect them. They had to lie to me about it too. This tells me not to trust anyone.
They didn't even refer me to anywhere else.
Ok. So the most recent development. My room mate is very dirty and alot of people in my low income housing place bring in trash from dumpsters...like furniture. I recently over christmas buoght a brand new mattress and put a special cover on it to protect it. I didn't think about putting one on the springboard too. About 3 weeks past, I am getting bites everywhere and having an severe allergic reaction to bed begs. I didn'tk now, thought it was the medication.
I get a notice from one of the programs I go to in the mean time, saying they're freezing, or cancelling me from going there due to not updating my ISP.
On top of that, I was HONEST again (What's wrong with me??! Can't I tell honesty DOESN'T PAY??) and told the lady at the desk who Is really nice, about it. She said no problem she'd set me up transportation for saturday (tomorrow). then, for some reason she transfers me to Erica, whom I don't like at all. She always would tell me when I brought up why I was there and what I needed help with , interrupt me and say "You're getting off track . That's not why you're here...we can't help you with THAT..."
So, Erica probably told the nurse (I doubt the other lady did). What's funny is Erica told me "See you tomorrow! Everything is all set!" Then promptly told the nurse behind my back about the bed bugs. So I get a call from the nurse 5 minutes later, saying "You can't come here until you get a notice from your doctor that you're free from the bed bugs.". Of course, this means waiting at least half a month to see if they're still there. It was like therapy called "partial hospitalization" I never missed a day and went 6 days a week. It was supposed to last 8 weeks.
So, everyone else I know is going to graduate by that time. I can't see my friends there anymore or even get their number, people I really look up to, all because I was honest.
It's not so much about honesty but knowing when to keep my damn mouth shut.
11 Feb 2012, 2:11 pm
You need to develop "custody of the mouth." I remember reading a few times that cloistered nuns have to practice "custody of the eyes." They are not supposed to look directly at people much, especially men. They are not supposed to have much to do with the outside world. Looking directly at people a lot can lead to conversations and other types of worldly interactions that they are not allowed to engage in.
With what I call "custody of the mouth", a person takes better control of what they say--they don't speak until they have thought out better what they should say. If the comment won't help you or someone else, and worse, if it might cause harm, it should remain unspoken.
Too many people are terrible gossips, who spread anything they hear far and wide, whether it is true or not, and whether it should be spread or not.
Others are just too gabby, and talk about trivial stuff, boring their audience to tears.
Still others monopolise the conversation, whether they have something worth saying, or not.
Then there are others with access to confidential info, like legal workers, hospital workers, religious workers, and people in the military, who sometimes share info that is supposed to be kept confidential.
It is important to develop "custody of the mouth" to keep from being like those other people.
In WWII they had sayings like "Loose lips sink ships", and, "Be like Dad, keep Mum." This was to remind people to not give out military info, in case any spies were around to hear it.
You have been doing the right thing in being honest, but you have been doing it the wrong way. If someone needs the info, then you give it to them. For example: If you had already gotten rid of the bed bugs, it was best not to mention the problem. If they were still a problem, then they can be spread to other people, and those people need to know. This basically applies to any of your problems. You share the info on a need to know basis only.
Having had a number of dogs, and one cat over the years, I have had to deal with flea infestations several times. I have found that sprinkling salt or baking soda around on the carpets, and upholstered furniture will kill them and a number of other types of bugs,--probably bed bugs, too. The salt or baking soda crystals get into the joints in the insect's body, and shred them, like ground glass, causing the bugs to bleed to death. I've heard that diatomascious earth will work, too. This may work on ants as well, but for ants, you could also try mixing Borax with fluoride toothpaste, and spreading that around the edges of the room (non-carpeted). The Borax and the fluoride are both toxic. The ants will be attracted by the sweetness of the toothpaste flavoring, and carry it off to their nest where they will eat it and die. You can also make a diluted, watered down version to put in a spray bottle, and spray outside around the foundations of your home to kill nearby ant nests. (Because fluoride is toxic, I use non-fluoride toothpaste and I filter my drinking water.) Inside the home I prefer putting down salt or baking soda, as it won't kill the pets.
I realize this has been a long and a somewhat rambling post response, but l hope it helps.
_________________
If a man does not keep pace with his companions, perhaps it is because he hears a different drummer.
Let him step to the music which he hears, however measured, or far away.--Henry David Thoreau
