dying of a broken heart

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i know this is probably a really boring discussion but i would value anyones advice SO MUCH, i have aspergers and adhd , when i was 16 i met my soulmate and we dated, i went to prison and lost touch with her for over 20 years but not a sinle day went by that i didnt constantly think of her and how my life could have been, at 36 i enrolled in a college course and walking towards me was my soulmate of 20 years ago, we chatted and became close again, although she was now married with 2 children, a wonderful son & daughter that i love with all my heart, . we started seeing each other every day getting closer & closer to what we had when we were 16, and after a few months i got her a house so she could get away from her abusive nasty husband, he used to hurt her so much and they lived in separate halves of the house, she moved out into a new family home and i spent almost every day with her & the children, her husband constantly caused trouble for us and she couldnt take it, we ended up arguing constantly about him and the divorce, his demands of what he wanted, etc, etc, we constantly fell out and in the end i started staying at home rather than being there as i felt i was unwanted, she had several male friends online and now we have drifted so far apart, i text her asking if everything was ok but got no reply for 4 days!! then on the 4th day i got such a nasty message off her saying she'd lent her phone to her son while he was with his father, and went ballistic at me for texting yet i didnt know she had given her phone to her son?? we havnt spoke since apart from her telling me basically to F*** O**, she told me she loves me more than anyone she has ever loved but she acts like she ahtes me yet i had absolutely no idea she didnt have her phone with her, this has happened 3 or 4 times where ive not known she didnt have her phone and each time ive been worried sick about her, yet she blames me for texting so much? she used to go mad at me for not texting her regularly enough??? 1 thing led to another , i got so worked up and felt i could take it any longer so took a HUGE overdose of ritalin and seroquel, i was found unconscious by my neice 5-6 hours later and was rushed to hospital for an emergency stomach pump but the meds had already worked its way through my system resulting in me not being able to talk, walk or literally move for days . my nervous system was so badly damaged they thought i may never recover but i fought and fought till i eventually had the strenght to start moving, i almost died because i just cant live without her yet she hates me now and wont even reply to my messages, PLEASE SOMEONE HELP ME, EVERY MINUTE OF EVERY DAY IM TRYING TO FIND WAYS TO END MY LIFE SO I DONT HAVE TO GO THROUGH THIS SUFFERING ANYMORE, MY ASPERGERS IS SO STRONG IM SCARED ILL DIE OF A BROKEN HEART, AT LEAST THAT WOULD BE SO MUCH LESS PAIN THAN I FEEL RIGHT NOW, PLEASE SOMEBODY HELP ME, IM BEGGING YOU,

(Thread moved from Autism discussion to the Haven)

I think the best thing to do would be to contact The Samaritans by phone or email, and discuss this in depth with someone who is has been trained to help.

I would say your problem can be summed up by : confusion between love and hate.

This is a toxic mixture. You need to get out of this, even if that means that you are far away from the lady.

To help you in this, I recommend you this (follow it carefully) :
- do not judge yourself
- I you feel guilty, remember that : the things you are worried about may not have happened at all, you are not responsible for other people's actions, things that happens may not be so bad, things may not be so important, you are not always conscious of everything, and it is legitimate to do things for your safety.
- By seeing that you are not really guilty, you may see that it's pointless to punish yourself. And even if you're done something wrong, punishing you won't help. You may repair things if you can, that's all. If you can't repair, let it be.
- If you fear to be punished : maybe you overestimate what people can do
- By seeing there is nothing to fear, you can just calm down
- If you feel some aggressiveness, do some sport

For me all of these works. I hope it will work for you too.

Hello

I can certainly relate to what you are feeling right now.

The acuteness of it does wear off.

Hope you feel better soon. I wish I could think of something more helpful.

Why is it that you think that you can't live without her? What is she giving you thats making your life so incomplete without her in it?

Is it stability? I mean.. she's going off on you because you texted her cell phone when her son was out with her ex? How were you supposed to know? Did she say never to text her? Nope otherwise she wouldn't have went off on you for not texting her enough earlier.

Is it stable when she has a ton of male friends online and is making you insecure about it?

Is she making your family.. your niece feel secure and happy by finding her uncle unconscious from an overdose? No that probably hurt her badly emotionally and if successfully complete a suicide attempt may scar whoever finds you for life.

Your attached to her kids? Great, you could possibly remain a strong and positive male figure in their lives. But you could easily find someone who is understanding of your feelings, who you're attracted to and have chemistry with other than her. You lived without her for 20 years, now you've only been with her for this short of a time and she's making you this miserable?

Maybe its time you start making some female "friends" and start chatting them up.

You have sacrificed a lot for this woman and she is being nasty. Recognize that SHE might have a problem that you can't do anything about. You need to get your power back. I hope the house is rented and she pays the rent. If you do or it is your house, you need to stop supporting her. You need to stand up for yourself. She obviously has stopped respecting you and if you don't show some self respect she will never regain it. No one wants to be with someone they can walk all over. This is what she is doing. You need to get away from her and focus on your own happiness. You spent many years in prison. You need to get away from that mentality. A counselor is the best thing you can do to start the process. Don't waste anymore of your life on negativity. What have you got to lose? Life has so many things to look forward to. Only you can change your attitude. We can guide you, but you have to make the choices. The only way to get her back is to leave her. Believe me, the only way she will care for you again is if you care for yourself. A woman wants to be with someone confident and internally strong. Find yourself and you may find that you don't want her after all.

Whew! I'm so glad cinbad said it. I was definitely thinking the same thing, that from this outsider's perspective it looks like: you went to jail for many years, lost formative years development, now nasty woman has used you to extract herself from a bad situation and has manipulated you into funding it while simultaneously trying to cut you off.

Please, please, please give cinbad's advice a long, hard think. You are not the person this person has made you feel like.

I know how you feel, my ex wants nothing to do with me and used to get very angry if I contacted him and it hurts a lot. I find it hard to understand how I can feel so strongly for him and he be so important to me and yet i mean nothing to him. Ive disciplined myself to not contact him at all and I will continue to leave him alone. i love him very much and if i make him unhappy then i will leave him alone, I want him to be happy and he is not happy with me.

Its a time which hurts a lot and you and I have to just be brave and get through it, think about how people in earthquakes and wars have their loved ones killed but they have to be brave and over come it, and we have to be brave too. take one day at a time, be kind to yourself and just focus on getting through each day.

I'm not good at giving this kind of advices. Usually I'm on the receiver side too, but what circular and Greatsharkbite (edit: and others) wrote are certainly worth considering. They both ring a bell in my mind. I was given similar advices when my heart was troubled by someone I loved very much.

You lived without her for 20 years.

Frequently when people with poor social skills get into trouble in a social situation they try too hard to fix it, when what they really need to do is back off and give everyone, especially themselves, time to cool down and regain their composure, and I think that is what you need to do, especially since she told you in a rather colorful way that she needs some space. Remember she has just come out of a bad marriage and she probably doesn't know which direction to head in life right now. She is in a new place and is disoriented and needs time to get her bearings.

Give her a few weeks and then give her a call and ask her if she wants to meet for coffee just to chat.

This brings us to another point. Of course you couldn't know if she gave her phone to her son and she shouldn't expect you do have known that, but if you know this is something she does, you shouldn't text her unless you have recently established by calling her that she has her phone.

While text is easier for a lot of people, it's not as reliable as voice because you can't really be sure if the person received it.

Well, I won't give long advise since I want you to know on How to deal with a broken heart .Please try to focus on loving yourself and the much more important things/person around you who gives love back to you. They are your treasure that won't easily lost. Think of a much special thing to do for yourself on how you can embrace and love yourself more anything else.