Severe reality allergy and courage deficiency.

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There is something horribly wrong and I no longer can tell whether the problem is with me or with the world around me.

This isn't how I wanted it to be. This isn't what everyone told me would happen! I've had to watch every person I've ever cared about change their minds about me, their expectations lowering each time we'd meet, until one day I would look at them and they wouldn't look back; they'd look a couple of inches above or to the side of me, always with that empty look of disappointment.

I have huge holes in my memory. When I try to think back to major periods of my life, I just get an image of someone's disappointed face. My memories have been replaced by shame; I measure time by milestones of disappointment.

Six years ago I said, "I can't take this anymore."

Well, I was wrong. It turns out you can take quite a bit.

People tell me I had a traumatic childhood. They were the best days of my life. Everyone was so impressed by me. They'd tell me how handsome I was and how clever I was; how, when I grew up, I'd be a famous writer or an actor. Life was easy. My literacy level was ridiculous. Every subject was 'my' subject. No weaknesses. The other kids understood me like servants understand a king, but not once did I let it go to my head because I'd seen things that most kids don't see and it taught me compassion. I knew about fear, hate, anger and cruelty but they weren't a part of me. And though I had the potential to manipulate those things, I had no interest in doing so because that's what bad people did, and I was a good person. Was.

Now it's different. I no longer know who I am and I've done terrible things. I've stolen from relatives, manipulated emotions, taken drugs, told lie after lie after lie, used my words to cause pain and redirect blame, and I've let myself be utterly consumed with fear, hate and anger. The only moods I have now are sadness, emptiness, paranoia and an agitated, manic state that bears a slim resemblance to happiness. And the shame, my god, the shame. It never goes away. I destroy everything and everyone I touch and I hate myself for it.

Somehow, I managed to complete secondary education whilst in the middle of a nervous breakdown but I dropped out shortly after and began a long period of solitude. I lost my friends, one after the other, and totally destroyed the girl I was with. When I think of her face I don't see disappointment, just confusion and so much sadness.

I still don't know how it happened, but it did. Everything changed. I don't know when or why, but it happened and it's done and there's nothing I can do to change it. Something is broken. I'm so sad. And so very lonely.

Not sure why I made this thread, but I'll probably delete it soon.

uhhhhhhh...

I also haven't been making threads in The Haven due to people thinking that I'd want to hear "The truth". This is The Haven and you're supposed to be supportive when responding to people in their times of trouble. This isn't General Autism where you can say anything that you want.

To the OP:

I have a friend who's a lot like you and she's been through the same things that you're going through, so I have a bit of an idea of what you're going through. The things that she's described to me are the same things that you've described in your opening post. I hope that you can find someone with a gentle nature that you can talk about those issues to, and who will help you work through all the things that you're dealing with.

It's reassuring to know that there's at least someone out there who's had similar experiences. Thanks.

God damn. I wish he hadn't quoted the worst part of my post. I can't delete it now, because that'll stand out of context and make me look like a bigger dick than I am.