Feeling sad...

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I have been married for more than 12 years to an autistic man. We've had good times but today I started wondering if it's all been an illusion.

I discovered the autism because the demands of having children brought all sorts of things to the fore, otherwise I wouldn't have guessed. His poor ability to handle stress, and relative dependance on me has made things harder for me to cope with. I am a strong woman who has always considered it a blessing to have children. This meant that I soldier on, so that they can have a good life. My husband provides a minimum of support. He claims that he's tired. But now here's the issue...there have been times when I have been exhausted to despair, and need him to lend a hand. Cognitively he knows that I need his help, but he still refuses to do anything. Isn't this more than simple egocentrism? Isn't this callousness closer to a sort of psychopathic lack of empathy? How can he love me, and idly stand by while I am suffering? It doesn't make any sense. I just can't understand it.

I have no work or income and have the care for 3 young children. If I could I would leave him. I'm trapped.

I'm sorry you are going through this. My NT husband doesn't provide emotional support at all, even when I explicitly tell him that I need it. He will get up and do actual things, if I keep on at him enough. I haven't found a solution either, and I've been married to him 25 years. I've just had to come to terms with thats how he is and if I want to stay with him I have to accept him the way he accepts my issues (I have AS). I'ts not easy, that's for sure. Have you considered counseling?

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Thread moved from General Autism Discussion to The Haven.

I don't know if he'd consent to counselling. I'm almost sure that he wouldn't. It could be a "man" thing. But I find it so mean. He only does something when he fears for himself. I've decided to just go on and leave him later when the children have left home (if I'm not dead first- I can't imagine living a long life.)

I have never been in that sort of situation. Might be some anxiety. How bad is his autism, like is he employed, can ho do shopping, etc?

I guess in my own experience getting something dumped on me is overwhelming. If you want him to do something tell him 3 days in advance, that way he can mentally prepare for it.

As for the not doing things when he sees you might need help, it might be anxiety, aka "Should I help? What should I do? What if I get in the way or do it the wrong way? Damn she is almost finished now, should I help? Might be too late...". Just a guess of course but that is what happens with me when I don't do something. When you see he is looking and has the face like he thinks he should help just tell him to do something. Don't say "come here and help", give a specific task. Just tell, never ask. Afterwards just give a brief "thanks for helping" or "thanks for that" or something short like that.

Dunno if this helps

I have tried so many things. Being specific. Not too many things at a time. Not being nagging. Not reminding him. Giving him space. Making agreements. Trying to introduce small things at a time. Nothing worked.

What finally has pushed me over the edge is that I was really sick for more than a month and I went to bed at the same time as the children at that time. It was the only way that I could have the energy to meet the demands of the household things and taking them to and from school, swimming lessons, gymnastic, physiotherapy, piano etc. Finally I told him that I wanted out- I was serious, and this is when he promised that he would change. For a whole week it was fantastic (he started doing the washing up in the evenings-we don't have a dishwasher), but then, he said that he was going through a stressful patch at work and he would be too tired. I had mercy and said "that's ok" (he wouldn't have to do the washing up till the stressful patch was over.) For 2 weeks he didn't need to help out, but it started to get heavy for me so I asked him for help again. He promised that he would begin again the next day. But he didn't. He doesn't seem to take me seriously. And he said that he needed time to adjust back to doing things...that was his explanation!

You see, the problem is, I am really struggling when I ask for help. I have hardly any "me time" as it is. As I write this, I am surrounded by an untidy house- but I am feeling teary (which never normally happens) and I am alone with this problem. I can't tell people about it.
My husband behaves nonchalant when I'm metaphorically bleeding on the floor. I find it hard to believe that he really knows what love is. People who care don't have "explanations" why they didn't help.

By the way LogicC and Olive Oil's mum- thanks for trying to help me feel better- I should have said that earlier. And actually my cropped up stress is dissipating- so it's really kind. It's worse when you think that you're alone.

Have you ever heard of "demand resistance"? It's where you need to do something, you know you need to do it, you actually want to have accomplished it, but your mind sees it as an unfair expectation and prevents you from doing it. It looks like passive agressive, but it's not. My husband is eat up with passive agressiveness, and that goes back to overbearing parents. His whole family is screwed up somewhat from them. But, I tend to get demand resistance a good bit, especially when I'm overwhelmed. I'm not saying that is for sure what's going on with him, but it could be.

Have you tried an ultimatum? Something like "either we go to counseling and we both try and compromise or I'm outta here!"?

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I'm giving it another shot. We will see.
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I know exactly how you feel. I wish I could tell you that there is a quick and easy fix for your situation. It does feel better to know that you are not alone. My husband and I have been married for 22 years. I knew he was a little different, but that was one of the qualities that attracted me to him. Our marriage has not been easy, but somehow we always seem to be able to work through our issues. Some things have taken longer than others, and sometimes we just have to accept that things are the way they are. He has been wonderful with our children(a NT daughter and son with AS), but not very empathetic towards me. Several years ago I discovered I had a disabling health issues. I had to retire due to my health problems. He has been supportive through the process and knows that I can't do what I used to do, but he doesn't get that he needs to do more around the house and take on some of the responsibilities that I can no longer do. Cognitively he gets it, but he can not relate emotionally. Its been tough, and there are some days that I think I just can't take it anymore, but deep down I believe that he is trying to handle the situation the best that he can.

I've never heard of demand resistance but I recognise it. Yes, he does have that sometimes, and I too (like now).
My husband's parents are both challenging people: his father authoritarian, and narcissistic. His mother is somewhat unstable (although she's kind too).

I've just been talking to him about "love" and what our expectations are. He admitted that he had failed me, and he admitted that he has a problem with empathy, and he admitted that he didn't know why he behaved as he did.

I get really angry talking to him because the conversation often veers in the direction of "he's going to change, he needs to have the emotional strength of knowing that I have trust in him, and that I believe that things will change..." I've heard those things countless times before. And I don't trust him.
I have always wanted to. But I can't anymore.

Handrew's mum, yes, it sounds like the same situation. (Sigh)

We have had happy times, and I get a sense of satisfaction from seeing them all (hubby and kids) happy. When I'm strong, things are at their best. But it's very hard to keep it up for too long, and that's when I (pleadingly) look to my husband for support. He enjoys being with the kids, and they have a reasonable relationship with him (because he's kid-like himself in lots of ways). I wonder what it'll do with their expectations in their own marriages, after having a father who seems so inept.

I have started going to a course for partners of autistic people, and the last bit of advice I got was to say that doing particular chores was how it "ought" to be. So not asking. Not telling. But emphasising it as a sort of rule of social behaviour (sharing household tasks). It didn't work for me. Neither did the speaking in a calm tone of voice, at an opportune moment etc.

Right now, I just feel as if I don't love him. It's like he's a demanding leech that's sucking the life-blood out of me.

My opinion is that you have to understand that different people show love in different ways. I'm a very emotional person, and talking about my feelings comes naturally. To my husband it's not natural at all and something he never does. Oddly enough I'm the one with AS and he's the NT. Realizing that he isn't going to change how he expresses himself helped me a lot. As for the practical help, that's something that you should insist on. I've found that when I use the "Mom Voice" toward my husband to tell him to actually get up and do something, now please, not in an angry or demanding way but rather firm, it works.

As for the messy house, I feel you. A chaotic environment seems to multiply any stress I have. I can certainly give you some tips for tackeling that one. Start anywhere and just do one thing. Maybe go gather up all the laundry and put it in the laundry room and start a load. Then go get all the dirty dishes and put them in the kitchen and run the dish water and put the glasses and silverware in to soak. Then go gather up all the garbage in the house and take it out and put in a new bag. Those three things can go a long way toward making the place seem cleaner.

After I do those things, I straighten up each room and make the beds. Then do things like dusting, sweeping or vacuming, etc. Doing a sinkful of dishes in between each chore helps to get them done but it's not overwhelming. Finding a cleaning schedule to get everything done during the week helps me. Monday I do the floors all through the house. Tuesdays I dust, Wednesdays I do windows inside, mirrors, monitors, glass tabletops and shelves etc. Thursdays I clean the bathrooms good, and Fridays I change the bed linens. Every day I straighten up, do laundry and put it away, take out all trash, do the dishes and put them away, sweep the floors, and damp mop the kitchen. I'm a housewife also, so I understand how it can get so monotonous and seemingly pointless at times.

Also, giving my husband the cold shoulder seems to help as well. He knows he's done something wrong and doesn't want me mad at him, and instead of talking about it he tries to be extra good in all areas, except of course he can't do the emotional support thing.

His whole family is like that. His brothers wife died a few years ago and he saw no need to have a funeral, memorial service, anything. He had her sent from the hospital to the funeral home, cremated, and FedEx'd to their house. His attitude was "Well it's sad but you can't change things by dwelling on them". When their dad died about a decade ago, none of them cried or expressed any kind of grief except at the funeral. Before and after the funeral, life went on as normal with pleasantries, jokes, smiles, and the usual on the surface politeness and shallowness that his family is renowned for. That's just how they are. It's crazy to me, but I've learned that they don't mean anything bad by it.

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I'm giving it another shot. We will see.
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Thanks Frances. You sound like a super mum! Mondays are my worst day because there are two hours of gymnastics after school and we eat late on that day. By the end of most days I'm really tired, but on a Monday having to wash up and getting the going-to-bed-routine going is worse than usual. These are moments when I really could do with the load being shared.

My husband is emotional (when it comes to himself). He rails on about what he needs. I'm constantly taking things into account for him (to make life smoother for him).
That's what's so skew. And weirdly enough, even though I'm NT - I don't believe in romantic gestures like getting roses on birthday's or Valentines day or walking through a park hand in hand. (I believe in the romance of small everyday things like unexpectedly being made a cup of tea.) And I don't like small talk whereas my husband enjoys the (in my opinion) most inane conversations.

My husband says "I love you" often- but it just doesn't make sense in light of how things are. I feel manipulated even though I'm certain that it's not consciously done.

I forgot to add something...my husband is very dominant and rigid. If he doesn't want to do something, I can't make him- no matter how firm or tactful or whatever. The cold shoulder strategy is something I haven't tried yet- it might just work. In the past, I just got on with things and tried not to stay angry for long, but I feel as if my toleration levels are lower now.

The thing about the cold shoulder is this. Once you start it, you keep it up until you get results. I've kept it up for a month before. It's not being rude or mean. Be polite, but somewhat cold. Treat him like you would a stranger who you shared a living space with. However, a stranger who had responsibilities around the house that effected you when they weren't done. I use a bit colder tone of voice and I'm polite. I don't say anything to him that isn't absolutely necessary. Instead of "Will you take out the trash?" I say "I need you to take out the trash for me, now please. I'm doing the dishes and need to put a new bag in" or something like that. Make it sound like a request but something that must be done now. Something like "I'm cooking supper, and while I'm doing that I need you to bath the kids for me" or something like that. Use "I need you to..." and put a time frame in there "While I'm cooking..." or "While I'm at the store..." or "Now please, so that I can do <x thing>" If he doesn't do it, tell him again. Then if he doesn't do it say "Is there some reason why you couldn't <whatever> when I asked you to do it? I don't ask you just for sh*ts and giggles, I ask you for a reason"

Don't get drawn into an argument about how he won't do this or that. If my husband won't do something and tells me he's not going to do it, when I'm doing the cold shoulder thing, my answer is "Of course you won't" and I go and do it myself. I say no more than that, because nagging, arguing with him, insulting him etc, gives him a reason to feel put upon and upset in his head. Thats not what you want to do. Cold shoulder is really pretty much like a time out for grownups, in my opinion. It's a time without arguing and nagging, yes, but it's also a time for him to see in stark black and white, what his actions really are and how they effect others. Don't come across as passive aggressive yourself, only assertive. But don't stop with just the first kind word or helpful action from him. Keep it up until he's come around a bit, then slowly warm back up. Whatever you do, don't tell him what you were doing and why you were doing it or it will never work again.

Yes it's manipulative, but he sounds like he's being manipulative too.

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I'm giving it another shot. We will see.
My forum is still there and everyone is welcome to come join as well. There is a private women only subforum there if anyone is interested. Also, there is no CAPTCHA.

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Thank you very very much. I think that this will really work. It's straight-forward, matter-of-fact without me having to feign animosity. And thank you for telling me not to tell him- that's the sort of mistake I might've made.