I've been feeling bad for at least the past 5 years. Not just bad. I'm even thinking of killing myself the past weeks... I cut myself and don't know how to stop it, don't even really know why I have to, I kinda numbs all the other bad feelings I have.
I haven't told my psychologist yet, but after all these years of misery someone's finally mentioning possible reasons for feeling bad - asperger's, anxiety disorder, social anxiety disorder, specific phobias, dysthymia and God knows what more. But what if it's too late? I already made the wrong choices, I already messed things up. I'm already living the life I don't want to live...
I've always been a weird, 'special' kid, my parents thought it was just me being a typical artist (I used to draw all the time as a kid, and maybe I was a 'genius' who just had a weird personality like the famous people), teachers used to be pissed at me for not doing my homework (but I thought I was too smart and didn't need it), never had a girlfriend (oh yeah I like girls - as if things weren't bad enough), people complain (since I was a kid) that I hate everything except for the things I'm obsessed about.
My older sister and her friends used to pick on me or make up stories I believed. Or she just said I was fat and ugly (my father said I was fat too, one day - but now I'm looking at old pictures, I wasn't fat at all), and got my little brother (or even my own friends) on her side to tease me.
But still I was a positive person (people compared me to Spongebob Squarepants - being positive, active and annoying and not thinking of what other people might think of that.
I had a phase where I was playing with dead animals (burn them, throwing them to other animals). I had friends (always boys), but kept a rock, a little potato and a Lego car as an imaginary friend/pet. I had a couple of other imaginary friends, Casper The Friendly Ghost as a kid, then Marsupilami, then 'clones' of the people I knew, but in my world they would act just the way I wanted them to. Then two guys called Pip and Egbert, who kinda disappeared when I was 15.
I had to go to another school when I was 14, I made 2 new friends but 'punched' them because they weren't my old friends, I didn't want to become friends with them, they weren't them. I cried in class, even after a couple of months, and went back to my old school the next year.
But my friends already forgot me, while I thought of them every day. I got bullied that year, and started cutting myself (I saw my sister doing it when I was 11 and she said 'wanna try? It makes you feel better'). My best friend found out and told me that if she ever caught me again, she'd tell my parents - so I quit, but started again in 2010.
I got obsessed with a girl (not just in love, really obsessed, it freaked out my best friend)
The next year everything got slightly better - I started to forget the girl after a couple of months. But it just got replaced with another person, someone's who famous, I couldn't ever be with, but I spent whole days on Youtube, watching her video's, listening to her songs, buying her albums, buying her posters, just everything, people thought it was creepy, but what if it's the only thing that makes you happy?
But I still was really insecure and on the edge of depression, I had to talk with the school counselors and stuff about how I feel and the situation at home.
Now I went to college, but quit because lots of reasons, and now I'm on a college that feels like a 'life plan B'. I don't want to live anymore, I don't know what do to
The only thing that keeps me alive at the moment is... Sheldon Cooper. And he doesn't even really exist.
I'm drunk and cutting while I'm typing this. Help me, I think I'm dying. I want to
14 Feb 2012, 6:06 am
