Yes, I damn well do care!

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There's a problem I've been having with my family for a number of years now. They accuse me all the time of not caring when something goes wrong (I'm thinking specifically of health problems) with other family members.

They seem to think that the only way to show that they care is to sit sound together making concerned noises. I don't see the use in that, I take a more practical approach.

A couple of times now, my father has been in the hospital for a week or so. Each time, I was told how shameful my apparent lack of concern was. But, at the same time, people would go and visit him for an hour, maybe two, and spend the rest of the time just talking about how worried they are. I wouldn't talk much about it, but I stayed in his room overnight every night until he came home because I knew how much he hated being alone.

In the last few days, my grandfather has contracted pneumonia. I said at one point I was sure he'd be okay, that ever since I was a kid he'd had at least one major health scare a year, but always bounced back. This was taken as me not being concerned enough, and I was chewed out for it. To which I wanted to respond that while everyone else was sitting and talking about how much they cared and how worried they were, I was up at his house pulling weeds and watering because I know how important his gardening is to him.

Whenever anything goes wrong, whenever anyone in my family needs something, I'm the one they call. They know that I'm the one most willing to drop everything and actually do something to help. At the same time, they treat me like I'm some kind of uncaring monster just because I'm not the best person to go to when they just want to talk about their worries.

Did an nt make the saying, "actions speak louder than words." I feel like a lot people know this is true, since words could simply be untrue.

I've never heard anyone that places more value on words than actions, though anything is possible. They might just be venting their anger on you, since you sound like the person that does more for people. Maybe they expect you to fix the bad feeling even though they know you can't.

I get this a lot. The NTs go into emotional trauma and start wailing and shouting and throwing things and generally making a lot of noise, and I get on with the washing up. I get yelled at for not caring, for not focusing on what's important. It's bloody stupid of them - even those closest to me, who know damn well that I don't express emotions easily or normally, seem to think that me washing up is an expression of disinterest.

I often do housework when I'm under stress. It's almost a meditation.

The thing is, they can't help it. Most people don't venture outside their own heads and think everyone else works the same way they do. Most of the time they can rationalise this a bit and compensate, but under stress they forget all that. They forget you have AS. They don't remember that you do care, but that your feelings are trapped inside and you can't simply cry and shout and react the same way.

Leave them to it. When they've settled down, they'll be able to rationalise again and understand your own reaction. Don't expect an apology, though. They won't even remember that they were rude to you.

OMG, you're family sounds like my father's side of the family!

All they would talk about is everyone's health problems. "Tsk tsk," "Oh my god," and "Oh! No! That's TERRIBLE!"

It's all I ever heard in that house. I don't recall any of them telling me I didn't care enough, but I didn't live there either. I grew up two states away. But I do remember being told by my parents on occasion, and by a lot of other people that knew me that I didn't display caring enough.

Really? I was also taught that actions speak louder than words. You spent every night with him? That says plenty more to me than sighs and "Oh, isn't this terrible," PLUS, it's a hell of a lot more productive.

People who know me for a while think the same thing about me, until the you-know-what hits the fan, and I come through with productive actions that really matter and make a difference. Once they see that, their views change. Probably because of the way I am most of the time. I don't display it much in emotional outbursts, so it comes as a total surprise when the chips are down, I'm there.

Family never got it, but in laws have. My Dad finally got it too. I quite worrying about what people think. I know the truth. They will too when their time of need comes.