So, I think I'm insane. Don't you agree?

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So, first, some context:

I was born to a single mother, who was only 18 when I was born. Dad, scared of the responsibility of being a father (again), ran off and joined the military. Meanwhile, mom continued to act like a narcissistic high school cheerleader for the rest of her life.

I was diagnosed with Asperger's at age 3, when my mother brought me in to a publicly-funded clinic after having some violent outbursts and (allegedly) kicking down the bathroom door at our apartment. I began taking anti-depressants at age 4, and was a guinea pig for a great deal of mind-altering medications until I turned 18, when I decided to replace them with more, uhh, "local" remedies. (did I mention I live in California?)

For the near-entirety of my life, I've been emotionally and socially distressed. Between my lack of understanding of morals and social norms, my family's chronic, possibly meth-induced mistreatment of me, and the medical field's blatant failure in its attempts to help me, I've experienced a great deal of things no person ever should. A lot of pain, confusion, and helplessness that are so established in my life, I can barely even fathom life without them.

I am frequently in the company of stoners, juggalos, skinheads, rednecks, and dealers. Somehow, I thrive in these cultures. Possibly because they have been through much of the same societal injustices that I have.

My political beliefs are the subject of ridicule from both sides of the spectrum; conservatives call me a 'hippie', and liberals call me a 'pig.'
I am bisexual.
I enjoy all kinds of music, but mostly metal, rap, and punk.
I have had surprisingly successful social/love lives for an Aspie.
I am not a virgin.
I drink, smoke weed, and seem to only truly be excited by something if it gets my adrenaline pumping.
People actually look up to me, which perplexes me.

Now, my problem:

I've spent a lot of time reflecting on my life recently. Mostly because I've been having a bit of an identity crisis as of late, but that's not entirely my problem. After reflecting upon the many mistakes I've made in my life, and why I made them, I've come to a disturbing realization about myself:

I love conflict.
I'm a military buff. I love contact sports (MMA, martial arts, boxing, wrestling, etc.). I am pretty sure I'm the horniest person amongst my friends. I am good at intimidating/scaring people, and enjoy doing so. I am obsessed with being physically fit. I don't tend to enjoy movies or video games unless there's plenty of violence involved. I follow the news regularly, hoping something catastrophic happens.

I've also grown almost completely apathetic of the feelings of others, and any form of moral integrity. Since I've been at a loss my whole life to grasp the concepts of empathy and morality, I just... well, I gave up, essentially. Because I'll never truly understand it, no matter how hard I try, and I can't allow that to eat away at me any longer.

I can't keep suppressing myself.

So, in a nutshell, I've become comfortable with the fact that I'm sadistic, paranoid, and psychotic.
However, I will not be convinced that any sort of 'professional help' will do any good. In fact, it's modern psychiatry, in part, that I hold responsible for my deeply scarred psyche. No one knew what to do with me, so they shrugged me off, and left me to be raped, beaten, and broken by the other outcasts of society. I can't help that now.

So, the question here is...

What now?

You aren't insane. Insane people don't know they're insane.
The key word I see in there is "Grown" which implies you didn't used to be like this.
All I can conclude is it's the result of your hard life.

Just wanted to throw a story out there, since it seems relevant.

One day I was listening to the radio, and there was an interview with some guy who was talking about psychopaths. He was listing all of the symptoms of being a psychopath. He said, "Psychopaths don't really care about other people, they only manipulate them. They don't plan long-term, they just live for immediate pleasure, and they lie without remorse."

Immediately, I thought, "Oh s**t! That sounds like me! I'm a psychopath!"

The guy on the radio then continued, "When normal people hear this list of attributes, they immediately start worrying that they might be a psychopath. But when psychopaths hear this list, it doesn't bother them at all."

That depends on ones definition of insanity.

Albeit getting in a few fights, and other such things that angry white teenagers do, I can't say I've done anything too severe. What scares me is that I often fantasize about violence and conflict; not just in a military setting, but also in a predatory one. I honestly enjoy being angry. It's a rush. I don't feel helpless when I'm angry. But I know it isn't healthy. And I'm terrified of what I could potentially be capable of.

I know I've got that pretty well controlled, but I'm just afraid of what would happen if I... well, you know, snap. :/

Can't argue with that.

I've just noticed how... apathetic I am of things I probably shouldn't be. I'm not bothered by death. Things that I KNOW should of bothered me, haven't. Family members have died - people I actually was close to - and I didn't feel a thing.

That isn't healthy.

Well if you're concerned about it you're certainly not a psychopath...I can kinda relate except I am female, have not been in any actual fights and don't particularly enjoy being angry. If i am angry though I tend to prefer that I tend to assert myself a little better which I like and sometimes I go overboard with anger but I've never hurt anyone else due to it just my knuckles from hitting things.

were they very old family members? I personally don't usually get bothered by very old family members dying as well it's sorta their time if they do...I find untimely death to be sad but natural death of natural causes is not something that bothers me.

Well, yes and no.

Specifically, I was referring to my grandmother, who was more of a mother to me than, well, my mother.
She understood me like no one else ever has. She was one of the few people in my life who I can honestly say I loved. And when she died, I was numb. No sadness, no grief, no contemplation... just numb. And that's how I've been every other time I've experienced something that was supposed to be traumatic after that. I guess I'm just very desensitized or something, or maybe it's the 'chemical imbalance in my brain,' but whatever you want to call it, it's not something that many people experience, and the few people who do... well...

That's my concern, y'know? :p
Idk man, I'm probably just freaking out over nothing...

Well do you feel anything after......I know a lot of times well actually every time something semi-tramatic or that one thing that happened that was traumatic enough to cause me to have PTSD I am always numb during it and don't really feel any emotions pertaining to it until later. But I also feel numb a lot.

But I can understand your concern about it, I sometimes get myself worried about those kinds of things, I believe it's called over-thinking and I do it all the time. But yeah its possible you have a chemical imbalance or depending on what difficulties you've dealt with in life, that could have something to do with it as well.

Yee, it's probably a bit of all those things lol

And you're right, I do start feeling bad about things that happened a long time ago, that I didn't necessarily feel bad about at the time. I've always figured that was just me being an over-emotional pansy, but you know, perspective perspective perspective :p

I feel better. I'm still convinced I'm crazy, but hey: normal people are boring anyways lol
I'm glad I'm not alone in all this. Thanks for replying

You sound pretty reasonable to me.

I like physical conflict--hitting things or people, wrestling, that sort of thing...I have to stop myself from doing it when I'm at all excited.

Not exactly the same thing you're talking about, but maybe somewhat similar?

Yeah, more or less. I have a bad habit of rough-housing with people. Playfully, of course, but sometimes people don't seem to get that :p

Insane is an incredibly useless word. It has universally negative connotations, but it's almost impossible to get a large group of people to agree on what it actually means.

It doesn't sound like you are insane at all. I would suggest either the military or law school. You'll be able to have conflict and adrenaline, but get paid for it too. Or possibly the police dept. You'll have to quit smoking weed for the military or PD though.

I don't know man.....I would not advise the military, especially with all the conflict going on unless you actually are ok with the idea of following orders to kill from someone of a higher rank or whatever. I mean I just highly doubt you'd join and then not be sent to god knows where. I mean I can see why it would be suggested since you said you find military stuff interesting, like violent games ect. but that would be real killing and real danger I feel like an idiot explaining this because I think everyone knows the military is dangerous.

I just wanted to be sure that suggestion was taken with a grain of salt...also I have a friend who was in the military and he had to go to hell and back just to get minor compensation for all he did and appropriate access to medical treatment for injuries and stuff so its not like you'd be treated awesome by the system when you do come back if you did choose to do that.