Why do I have to be the only Aspie in my family? It seems that I am surrounded by people who have more of a chance of socially succeeding than I do, and it's making me become horribly jealous of all my cousins for being NTs. I would be a lot happier if I did have a sibling or a cousin who also found social situations as daunting as I do, and then there would be someone who I could relate to on this, without feeling like I'm so alone. It makes it harder when the family is close and so my mum's siblings come over a lot and go on about what their teenage/grown-up kids are doing. Now I find myself alienating myself from my family because I don't want to hear of it.
I have 12 cousins, one has learning difficulties but I never see her because she is stuck with a control freak who won't let her see her family (except her mum) and she never goes to parties because she's sucked into this control freak's life and is only allowed to interact with his family, but I know for a fact that if she wasn't with him she would probably have more chance than me of going out to parties and meeting people. She always had more friends than me at school. Then I have a cousin who might be PDD-NOS, but he seems to be getting on OK - he gets on well with his peers, he goes out clubbing at week-ends, and he now has a girlfriend. He is younger than me but is doing much better than me. Then I have a cousin who did have depression and lack of confidence and low self-esteem, but now he has found himself a girlfriend and can now drive and went out to a house party on new years eve, and he is younger than me too. My youngest cousin is almost 9, and he obviously isn't out and about yet, but I keep forgetting that he will grow up soon and will be out and about with mates. He is quite extroverted. And all the rest of my cousins seem extroverted and are all doing this and that with mates. And my brother is quite shy but he does go out at week-ends with a whole crowd of other people and really enjoys it, and he criticises me and thinks I'm weird because I don't go out. But I have tried going out before but I found it really boring because people sensed my Social Phobia and so I ended up just getting left out. I just wish I had normal social skills to be able to do all these things what all my cousins are doing. I just seem to be falling behind. It makes me think, ''f**k, am I THAT bad at socialising?! I was only born with a mild condition!''
I am trying to surround myself with other people outside my family who are also introverted and have trouble with socialising like I do. I have one friend who is my age, who doesn't do much with friends and hasn't got many friends. She doesn't have AS I don't think. I think she has Fragile-X Syndrome, but I'm not sure. But she is non-NT, and doesn't have many friends. And being with people like her cheers me up and makes me feel like I'm not the only one in the world who doesn't do these things what most people of my age like to do. It's so common of youngsters to go out on week-end nights with their mates that it makes me feel abnormal. Even my mum done it when she was in her early 20s, and she's very introverted. But it just disturbs me how I'm literally the only person alive in my family who doesn't go out clubbing at my age. It just disturbs me. I know there are plenty of other people who are like me, but I need to see it to believe it, because so many people who I know does it, and so many older people who I know tell me stories about their young days when they done it. And it just makes me feel so miserable, and it makes me feel like I'm victimized by this cruel condition I've got, because I'm aware enough to know what I'm missing but too anxious and introverted and clueless to do anything about it.
Sometimes, I look at myself and literally still can't believe I'm the only one in my family who has to deal with this f*****g Autism s**t all my life. I was diagnosed at age 8, I've come to terms with it a bit now, I even like to sit and talk about it to my mum and I admit that I have got these social problems - but it hasn't helped me feel any less miserable about being the one with it.
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Female
14 Feb 2012, 4:01 pm
