Just ranting.

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I feel trapped and lost. I don't know where to go from here, how to feel better. Psychiatry has been of very little help and now I'm trying to find something non-prescription that may do the same job as what the psychiatrist prescribes so I don't have to see him any more. I don't know how to feel better and I haven't found anyone that can help. I don't even know if it is appropriate to want someone to help since the doctors and therapists I've seen seem very unhelpful. I went to a crisis house a couple weeks ago and I felt a bit better while I was there, but the feelings of despair and hopelessness were waiting for me when I left. I feel like there aren't any options, like I'm just trapped. I cannot commit suicide because it would cause too much pain for my parents, and they would be responsible for the cost of my funeral since life insurance doesn't pay out in the case of suicide so I would also be causing financial hardship. Taking the option of suicide off the table actually makes me feel more trapped as now it feels like there are absolutely no options. I can't talk to my psychiatrist about any of this as he is preoccupied by his idea of me and doesn't want to listen to anything I have to say. I also don't want to give him any more ammunition against me in case I do end up filing a complaint against him. I will not get myself hospitalized as it has not been very helpful in the past and has led to nightmares and flashbacks after the last hospitalization. I want to scream and throw things, but I can't. I feel like my soul has been set on fire and all that remains is a shriveled and blackened heart made of ashes that are slowly being blown away. Soon I will be nothing.

Sweet Pea hugs

What is the trouble?

If there is something in your life that is causing this pain, nothing will happen until you do something about it. Tablets will only deal with the symptoms, not the underlying cause. I get the impression there is some source of stress in your life because the crisis house helped for a while, and that suggests you were able to escape your problems for a while.

If, however, this is not directly caused by anything but simply a mental condition, you need to seek professional help. Medication might be required; if the tablets you have don't work or make you feel worse, tell your doctor. It can take a few goes to find the right treatment, especially if you need more than one prescription.

It seems like there isn't anything in particular that is causing this, hence why I feel so trapped. I have done the medication thing for the last 14 years, sometimes being medicated to the point of drooling on myself in a corner. When I find an antidepressant that helps, it starts failing in about a year and has to be increased and then fails in a year and has to be increased again until it cannot be increased any more and then I have to switch and try to find another one that will help and the whole process starts again. I don't tend to know that I'm headed downward in mood until it is very bad, supposedly because of the alexithymia, so it is hard to get myself back up to an acceptable level again. I end up feeling very depressed for several months, then I'll feel acceptable for a few months and then back to being very depressed again. This has been my life for as long as I can remember. The doctor I have is a douchebag and it will be 7 to 12 months after I "fire" him before I can get an appointment with a new one through the family health team. I want to wait until after my next appointment to "fire" him because I want him to increase my antidepressant. I see him in about 2 weeks and that is the earliest I can see him. I won't tell him exactly how bad it is because he'll either hospitalize me or just pass it off as "being borderline" which just makes me angry. I think the crisis house helped because I didn't have to worry about any "normal daily stress" because meals were made by staff and the place was cleaned by staff. I also didn't have to be alone while I was there because the staff would talk to me. I know that the loneliness is a big part of why I get depressed, but I've been trying for years to make friends and I do keep trying to learn better social skills and I push myself to partake in social events even though they are very uncomfortable because I have to find somebody to be friends with someday. Anyway, the whole situation just sucks and is very overwhelming.

Sorry to hear you're so overwhelmed. I've lived most of my life feeling overwhelmed and drowning in stress. I still feel trapped too sometimes, but I've realized it's me that causes the sensation and have been trying to work on it. I know doctors and therapists don't understand or listen very much. It takes a lot of work but things can get better, try to hang on and let it pass if it's a phase. Do you write? It's good to talk about it too. Can you keep trying until you find a good therapist or a counselor?
Never give up.