Emotionally dead. (Venting in the form of a rant).

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I need to vent. Not in a calculated and controlled manner, where I force myself to put up a good show for the world to see.
No, I want it to be raw and pure. It shall come from me when the vestiges of emotions still linger in my heart.

This sub-section fits. It allows me to be anonymous, and I can throw out my thoughts in an incoherently grand manner.
I just need to get a load off my chest so I can settle my mind. Let the drama commence. (Chuckle).

I'm exhausted. I'm tired. I don't want to be an empty husk, an actor whose emotions are nothing but a fleeting thing. I'm so numb, and have been for such a long time.
I learned early on to camouflage my little quirks, inventing automated, half-ambigious responses that didn't draw attention to me or raise any eyebrows. I learned to survive.

Of course, I wasn't flawless. Never will be. I WANT TO BE

I balanced on a brittle sense of self that was validated by egotism and justified with self-deception and a refusal to attach myself to others. I was scared, I still am.
I've developed techniques over the years, learned to hide my emotions behind a wall of animosity, arrogance and self-insight. I knew what I was doing.
Consciously validating yourself is... Hard, especially for a relationship-starved mind, but I managed. It was a coping-mechanism after all.
It hurt because I knew what I was doing. It wasn't painful, but saddening.

I can always be like everyone else at the snap of my fingers. The mask is put on and you'll see me as a confident man with his intriguing quirks and interests.
Intense, confident, capable and charming. Then the masquerade breaks and the cracks appear. My animated expressions become unnatural. Robotic. Learned. Non-intuitive.
I stop socializing, exhaustion breaks free, as my mental capacity has reached its limit.

For the longest time I thought I was a Neurotypical, like everyone else. I just needed more DISCIPLINE. I must be more DETERMINED, for if I'm RESOLVED, I can LEARN everything I need! I just need to work HARD ENOUGH. Well, I worked for it, consciously and unconsciously. Had I known I had Aspergers (was diagnosed some months ago), I would've read up on social dynamics in my free-time. I did that, but... Not as much as I should've. I didn't need to 'fit in' the crowd, I just wanted to be accepted. I managed that. Somewhat.

I just want my emotions back. I'm tired of being a canvas without color, a painting without depth. The surges of determination come... Sparingly, weakly.
I wrap myself up in my mind. Enough already, I want to FEEL. I don't care if it's grief or pain. I just want my EMOTIONS BACK. I don't want to be EMPTY.

My stepmother (A woman I love dearly and appreciate) got cancer, TWICE in the span of three years. I didn't cry for her. Neither did I overly worry. I always 'knew' that everything would be fine, and that she was in good hands. That's what I believed anyway. I always wondered why my emotions didn't stirr or yell at me... No. Only numbness... A pitch black hole.
My biological mother (A woman I love dearly and appreciate) got a stroke in front of my eyes. She was sent to the hospital in less than 20 minutes, still... I was never worried, nor did my emotional range spike. Neither of these circumstances gave me a 'fright', whereas my other family members would cry, wail and moan.

I knew they would be fine. I worried, yes, but none of the situations invoked particularly strong feelings. If anything, it made me realize how much I fear death.
This comes across as heartless. Know that I exaggerate a little.

I'm... In despair. Why am I DEAD INSIDE!?
I want to feel so badly.
I remember how it is.
I know how it is.
Yet, there is no depth to it.

I can summon emotions, but it takes immense amounts of energy to keep them there.... What more, they're superficial. They're created. I lose them the moment my concentration fluctuates or fades. Being a shell is boring. Being a husk is worse. I NEED... Hope? No, there's always hope. I think I must repair myself.

Excitement, perhaps? I need to stretch out of my comfort zone, tear down my inhibitions and piss on the conditioning I've undergone.
It's time to change.
I want my determination.
I want my emotions.
I want my feelings.
I want the intrinsic depth.

I want... I'll fight to the very bone to get it.
I just don't know how.

Geez. I know exactly what you mean. Didn't realize it until just now.

My mind was weaving thoughts earlier, when one tangent brought me into an introspective mood. I came to the simplest of conclusions...
I just need to fall in love. I need to ALLOW myself to fall in love. That's the key, Louise. (I believe it's my answer, at least... I wish you luck in mending your own, broken emotions). >_<
That means I'll need to go out an meet new people. Time to go on a Masquerade! (<--- Link. Clicky).

That could have been written by me, it so describes me, with exclusion/modification of the hospitalisations. If you do indeed fall in love, make sure you fall in love with someone who loves you back. If they don't, you will definitely feel emotion, and not the good kind.

Snap OP. I feel like a vapid, half person waiting for someone to make me whole. Only problem is I don't know how to meet someone and even if I did I'd be too nervous. I think I'm afraid of intimacy and happiness because it's not something I've ever had and therefore am weary of it. The happier I am the further I will fall when the good times will inevitably vanish. I don't know what to do so I'm just coasting by pretending everything is ok and hiding away when I have time off.

This wasn't a life story. Only me speaking of my emotional state.

Sometimes I think my lack of feeling in most situations might stem from an overanalytical nature. As I've gotten older, my sense of understanding of the world around me (which is probably flawed, but, whatever) has reached a point where I see very little as mysterious or intriguing, especially when it comes to human behavior.

I don't know if that makes sense here, it sort of does to me.

I think JustaLouise may have nailed it there. I see little as mysterious or intriguing, and when I do then I tend to pull the issue apart to figure out how it works and i'm not intrigued by it again. I don't beleive in magic or closed black boxes.

You have missed something though, blueberrypie. You have emotions, you just have a different range to other people with different triggers. This is not necessarily a bad thing. Long before I had heard of Aspergers, I had qualified as a First Aider. On occasions since, I have been in situations where a first aider is required, and I have been able to deal with the situation where more "normal" people have been frozen in shock and horror and literally could not deal with the situation.

Normality is apparently severely overrated based on what normal people say when failing to deal with situations at or beyond their limits. I say that because they say they wish they could be more like me. Wishing you could be like everybody else is pointless. I can do things most other people could only dream about. In return, I don't like or enjoy socialising and have different emotional triggers. It's not a unreasonable exchange, all things considered.

That's one positive way to look at it. I just wish I had consistent discernible feelings that weren't anxiety, guilt, and frustration.

Edit.