Being divorced, wife still happy to spend my money

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So my wife wants a divorce. She says there is NO chance of making things work. She's nice and calm, and friendly and apologetic, but maintains there's a big full stop at the end. My very newly diagnosed AS is plastered all over out long term issues, but the reasons for divorce don't matter here yet, but she says she wants it.

And I find today she just booked herself a weekend holiday, plane flights etc, using what is ultimately MY MONEY. She's not worked since we had kids 6 years ago, so has no money of her own but... A HOLIDAY??!?! WHAT THE???

Does ANYONE find this acceptable at all?

I don't. Cut off her access to the bank account.

You'll lose half of your money anyways.

Well all the better to make her wait and then she can spend HER half.

First thing you need to do is hire a lawyer. Do not try to argue this point; without that legal representation, you will screw up and end up being legally bound to your ex for the rest of your life.

You likely can not cut her out of the joint account, but you can open your own solo account and have all of your pay deposited there. Don't forget to present the bank with a copy of the divorce papers, so that they won't automatically point any bill collectors toward you. For that matter, notify all of your creditors of your status and inform them that "... as of this date, I will be not be responsible for any debts incurred by anyone other than myself." This is not a sure-fire guaranty, but it establishes some legal precedence until the final divorce decree.

Once the divorce is final, channel all support payments through "Friend of the Court" or similar service, so that they can keep a record of all payments. That way, Miss Wonderful ( ) can't go back to the judge and say you've paid her nothing when you've actually paid a little bit ahead.

I've been through divorce. I know what happens. Never trust her smiles and assurances. You are now her victim, and she's going to try to bleed you dry financially. There are things you can do to protect yourself. For example, I signed off all interest in the house in lieu of "Spousal Support" (a.k.a., "Alimony"). It's not my fault that she failed to make the mortgage payments...

You may also want to move to another town, so that she can not bleed you dry socially, as well.

Feel free to PM me if you need more advice.

If she's spending your money to take a "vacation," don't stop at getting a lawyer. Get a private investigator while you're at it. Sounds like there's a lot more to this than "just not going to work out." Sounds to me like it's just not going to work out with YOU and she just wants to "work it out" with someone else.

A divorce on grounds of adultery will have her paying YOU instead of the other way around, and you'll keep primary custody of the kids if not full custody.

If you figure out who it is she's going to see, depending on the jurisdiction of course, you MIGHT be able to sue that person in civil court. You can do that where I live, but that's not universally accepted. Good option to consider if it's open to you, though.

The other thing you can do if you don't want a divorce and none of the above apply to your case is you can hire a good lawyer and bury her in paperwork. Make her life a living hell until either she relents and gives it another chance or until she screws up. Having her followed by an investigator will make something like cheating a highly unattractive option. You can also sue her for abandonment at a certain point.

yeah....

Marriage is a big deal to me. The divorce game is NOT a game we want to play.

Sweet Pea hugs.

I think that it would be a good idea to cut off access to the bank account and hire a lawyer as well. I agree with everything else that's been said in this thread.

Where do you live, OP?

just me. I'd cancel the trip, If she can book it with your money, presuming you're still legally married, I believe you have the right to cancel it !

That's not always the case, and cancelling it could cause problems the OP really doesn't want.

The reason I asked where the OP lives is because laws concerning separation and divorce differ depending on location. She may be perfectly entitled (legally) to the money until the divorce is finalized, and she may not be.

It's still a pretty sh***y thing for her to do IMO.

I'm sorry you're going thought this.
I totally agree with Fnord. Get some legal advice.

Depending on where you live is going to influence the outcome. In the US, different states have different divorce laws. Also, if you're medically diagnosed, I wonder if this may also impact your case.

Here in California, for example, joint property is split 50/50, and the man is (more often than not) required to pay spousal support ("Alimony") to the woman, unless she is the wealthier of the two or if there was a pre-nuptual agreement.

"Ah, yes, divorce... from the Latin word meaning 'to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet'." -- Robin Williams

If you can get her to sign a contract where each one keeps the resources you joined the marriage with, it should be fine. It's a far stretch tho.

Try to get custody of the children so they don't end up being used as a chess piece to screw with you. But the children may still want to see their mother. Something to keep in mind.

You really shouldn't be giving him legal advice like this.

Agreed. Legal advice should come from a lawyer, and not a stranger on a social website.

The only exception being: "Hire a lawyer".

More like hire a lawyer and ask of this.