What Am I Missing?

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I am twenty-three years old and live with my mother in California. I moved here from Michigan in early October. Since then, I have fallen into a state of depression and stagnancy. My mind is numbing and I am getting very lazy. The only social interaction that I have outside of my family is with a group of people in a chat room that I have recently begun to frequent. I have been looking for a job for the past couple of months, but not with any great measure of effort, though I pretend to for my step-father. I don't want to go anywhere unless I'm going downtown because I live in a pretty ghetto neighborhood. I spend most of my time watching shows and movies on Netflix. I sometimes draw or write. I have about twenty books that have just one page of writing. I sometimes make electronic music when I feel inspired. I don't exercise, though I know that I should because I am getting fatter. I am handsome enough in real life, but my fat shows a great deal in my neck because I am about thirty pounds overweight.

I am not in school anymore and I am highly unmotivated. I try to motivate myself by thinking of success or what my life could be like. I try to motivate myself for the sake of my future-children. I attempt to motivate myself with wealth, sex and good times. In the end, though, I rationalize myself into thinking that most of those things are just hypothetical or that I wouldn't be able to do any of those things anyhow. I often go as far as to think that I should do all of these things but then I just don't care. My insomnia is continuing to get worse, making my parents upset with me because they think that I can get on some kind of schedule. My step-father told me that if I don't at least try to find a job, then he is going to kick me out. If he does that, then I will be homeless because I have no other place to go.

I don't know what to do with myself. I have the makings of a polymath, but I don't want to apply myself. I am inspired by great thinkers but I don't take action. I want to love but I am so frustrated and angry with myself and the people around me. I don't know what I am missing. I am hoping that I will find sage advice or profound wisdom somewhere among comments if there are any to be given. Please, anything at this point could be of help to me, because that is what this is. It's a cry for help.

You sound like what you are missing is my name. Haha.

That is my situation as well, only i've never been threatened with being kicked out- but they like to hint at it at very odd intervals.

If I knew the way out I would tell you, but I do know there are a boatload of people in the same situation. Myself included.


Wanna know my plan?

Wait and see what 2012's big event is.

Serious, bro. Im hoping for mass telepathy. "fingers crossed"


In the meantime im attending university in a kind of part time way. It shows some initiative I guess, it really doesn't take too much. If you can show any kind of progress you will feel better and they will notice.

Maybe try cooking? I used to be stuck on this creative fix (writing/videos/music) and I found it was fruitless after a time. Witers block if you will.. So I tried making things out of food for a while. Lol.

Not sure what to say. I've been struggling myself a lot lately.

Also asking questions of what my life could or should be like.

I've also been at a standstill when its come to jobs.

But if you don't apply yourself, nothing changes. You simply get old and gray, nothing falls into your lap, you won't likely win the lottery, or be able to live in a house or apartment that you pay for under your own rules.

You don't find out what you're missing either. I think your dad is being fair to be honest.

I've also felt a lack of desire to apply myself in the past.. but since i'm not suicidal or never quite hit that point. I'm sitting here at age 26, looking at people age 23 who already have a college degree whereas i've yet to finish a year.

Or people while their lives aren't great.. at least have several different options that aren't even available to me at the moment and won't be for a year or so.

If you don't have any bills to pay, this is probably the best time to start applying yourself seriously.

You could try going to a psychologist and try to get a professional diagnosis so you can go on disability. That way you could move out on your own and find a job at your own pace or you could volunteer if you prefer. Also, there are a lot of free services out there for counselling and job finding. Just look around your town.

I live away from home and I now have a job, but I can relate because I've recently been unemployed and I always have depression and lethargy. I recommend volunteering. It will help to motivate you.

Thank you all for your suggestions. I will think about them and see what fruits it may yield.