Boyfriend putting relationship on hold due to my instability

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Well, I met this guy who shares a hobby I have known as Dagorhir and we had so much in common that it felt like it was a perfect match. It has been almost two months since we met now and we dated twice already and we have grown very close, the only problem though, is that, see, I have depression which has a tendancy to get really bad during the spring. I did tell him the story about my ex leaving when I depressed and suicidal at the time and needed him the most. I also told him that I was hospitalized for a week for a suicide attempt.

Well, I guess he did not think that I was still affected by it and last week, I was so frustrated and stressed out from school because I had trouble with focus and concentration more than usual and my homework just kept building up and I felt like that it was preventing me from doing anything else because I could work ten hours on homework and not get any done. I was also having anxiety attacks all the time and constantly felt like I wanted to burst into tears. During class, I would sit in the back and cut my wrists using staples I got from pulling them out from papers.

Then, I got into an argument with my mother who I caused to literally burst into tears crying and I barricaded myself in my room and I was going to hang myself until I decided to go on the computer and my boyfriend was online and I chatted with him and told him how I was feeling and he listened to me and told me how much he loved me and how pretty I was and he was never going to abandon me. I talked to him for a couple hours and I decided not to follow through and eventually reconciled with my mother.

Basically, this guy save my life. He is literally my hero.

Yesterday, however, I visited his apartment and we basically hung out in his room just chatting and lying together in bed snuggling and then later watching whatever was on TV. Though we didn't go all the way, I did let him take off my shirt and removed my bra and have him play with my breasts. Though, while he was doing this, he noticed my scars I got from cutting myself and asked what happened and I told him that, those scars were from last week. The rest of the time he pretty much acted the same, though, except for when he admitted to smoking pot every so often and he honestly thought that, that would be a deal-breaker and that I was just lowering his standards for him. He really thought that I deserved better, but I told him that he needed to be more confident in himself and that I did deserve him because he is a good person and he treats me with the kindness and respect and genuinely cares about me and is someone who is very trustworthy and his hard-working and not the least bit selfish.

Though, it was a great time we spent hanging out, though last night after I got home, we had this conversation texting me. He felt bad because he felt like he went a little too far even though he asked for permission and I gave it too him so if anything, I was the one who went too far. Anyways, I also told him basically not to beat himself up over it and it could have been worse and never to think that I deserved better because I do deserve him and how great he has been to me.

Well, then he told me that those scars he saw scared him and he had no idea it was that bad. I mean, considering that I told him about my history of depression and how I was once hospitalized, he didn't seem to think of anything of it until last night and he said that he wanted to put this whole romantic relationship on hold for a while until I become more stabilized and I can work these issues out.

I told him that I was visiting a psychiatrist regularly and that I was getting help, but he still thinks that I might need a little more. This past week I have been fine as far as good went because I did manage to fix what was causing me to anxiety attacks during chemistry and now I wear earplugs to drown out the sound of the fan and I also dropped English class for college to lighten up the workload a bit. Still, even though I have been doing good the rest of the week, he still thinks that I am not completely stable.

However, unlike my ex-boyfriend who left me and pretty much cut off all contact with me. He will not abandon me and we can still hang out together. I guess I have accepted this fact and that it might be something that might strengthen our relationship and that he loves me enough to care about my well-being and wanting me to get better, but still, I can't help but feel upset. I guess this past week he has been so loving and amazing which has made my week so much better and now he is friend-zoning me and for some reason, I just cannot accept it even though he will always still be there.

I really hate it, this is a good thing and I have a lot going for me, but why do I feel so empty and sad like I want to cry. I mean, just writing this makes me feel like I want to cut myself and cry my eyes out and I am trying to cope with this the best I can, but still... This is the second time in a row where someone backed off from me because I was depressed, the only difference is that I still have contact with him.

I'm sorry to hear about your struggle.

I think you should calm down, and try to clear your mind.

Do something to get your mind away from it all. Watch TV, listen to music, play some video games, draw. excercise, etc. (But nothing depressing)

In a way, I've actually been in a similar situation, I let my pain get the best of me and it drove a girl I loved away because I let my problems affect my relationship with her.

I'm sure things should be fine, he did say pause after all, right? This means all is not yet lost. It can continue.

Just try to stable yourself before you talk to him again, this you must do. Give 3 days (or more, depending on you) to relieve your stress, Tell him how you are doing afterwards, assuming that you've calmed down, and then see if you can spend some time with him (as friends) so he knows that you are fine now. Give it a week (or two) before you ask about your relationship, that way he can see that you have stabilized. Doing so may help you get things back to normal.

Also, try not to cut yourself during this wait period, this will probably harm your chances of getting things straightened out soon, as he can see that you haven't stabilized.

If you need somebody to talk to, you can PM me. I'd be happy to help you out.

Good luck.