My body lies over the ocean

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Ive typed probly 10,000 words on here and then deleted them because it sounded too whiny. Screw it.

Here are my random thoughts that I have tried to order somewhat to make them readable. Go forth. Find any points you like if further discussion is required.
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Im Adopted. Recently got a picture of them which was very odd. Birthmom suicided, father couldn't handle me. Accepted that that's my backstory, but the genes for suicidal thoughts are present in me I found out. As is non-perfect vision, which i'm reminded of every time I wake up. Unfortunate, I feel. Defective.

Highschool ruined life for me by forcing me into a social situation where I was alienated, and its all been downhill from there. (thats the shortest I can make that and i'm damn proud of myself for that)

I have a sleeping disorder, I need 12 hours I think and I never get it even when time allows. Was partially a zombie for grade 10-12. Im now in university and struggling to get through 1 class a semester due to brain fog. Lapses in cognitive function that can last weeks. (usually right before the big test.)

I have tried vitamins of all kinds, I have had bloodwork done only to be told im fine. Doctor just intimidates me then sends me away with nothing. Don't want depression pills as Ive read the side effects.

The slow sink into depression was a horror I cant describe. It was like losing myself. First noticed that I lacked energy, then was tired all day. Falling asleep on the way home. In class. Lost my ability to play high reaction video games even when awake. Got majorly depressed as I prized that activity. Began being unable to type properly, motor control impaired. Dyslexic typing is what I called it. Right letters in the wrong order. Overcame it somewhat but never like I used to be.

My small positive is that I got a couple thousand dollars from pension funds from my birthmom, its kept me alive is all I can say.
I deserve it. Im lucky to have it but I won it fair and damn square with all the crap I trudge through. Its almost gone anyways, blew it on university. Im unable to take a full courseload, I tried and lost a lot of money after dropping most of them. Single classes only now. When the money runs out that's the end of the line. I wont put that pressure on my parents. I wont. I would rather die.

Job you say? Im too scared of all the possible variables, social and otherwise that I might meet outside my house. Getting a job while being on an off kilter and defective sleep schedual is the biggest obstacle. I CANT wake up, I CANT fall asleep. Social situations frighten me to death. Im not sheldon cooper type, I understand cues somewhat and sarcasm. That's trvial from my p.o.v- he has it good.

Ive taught myself basic coping, for when I need to get a haircut but I will often put it off for weeks due to fear. When I get there I feel like everyone is staring at me which only makes me more awkward. I have no friends to practice with. My main and only true friend since Kindergarten is now busy with school. And being more successful than me. Its his right, he has the evolutionary advantage. Its not his fault, and I respect that. I hope I can maintain our long friendship, but im sinking away from him. He hangs out with others sometimes and I understand why, im boring. I blame noone but myself.

Now, Ive never attempted suicide, I dont drink do drugs or hang out at all. I play video games and work on my truck if I can manage to get out of bed. Despite this I feel like a failure. I fear that im imposing on my parents and I feel like a parasite. I WISH I could get a job that fit me. But my body is literally standing between me and happiness and this has to end someway.

Right now im trying to lie to myself. Telling myself "don't give up, you can beat school, if those morons can do it you should be fine". "You have a way of looking at things most people don't". You know what? Im right. But I wish I was wrong.

I wish I was a normal aspie.

I have real problems, and as much as I want to help others. I cant. Not until I fix ME. And until then the people who picked on me in highschool, working at fastfood joints, are better off than me.

I did go to prom. I'm so proud of that. Single and good looking. Did the chicken dance. Horrible Acne all over my face. Worst night of my life but best memory ever. Funny that. All those happy teen couples have now broken up. Losers. Kinda glad I didnt but I do wish Id at least gotten a date.

Tommorow, I may feel better or I may feel worse. Thats the trouble. My mood is a damn spin the bottle. And I don't even get to kiss anyone. Fml/

My body is no temple. Its a malfunctioning piece of garbage. A slim, good-looking, well rounded piece of garbage. Ha. Well I still got my sense of humor. If I make it im sure all this will seem like a bad dream one day.

Damn that feels good. Sorry if this physically pained you.

Abbotsford, B.C, Canada.
Fellow corner pieces, unite perhaps if you are in the area?
Noone on that map of yours looks nearby but worth a shout I figure.

hiya CPP
welcome to la cosa aspie nostra
i wish i was more normal also. but [i believe] god made us all for a reason.

I didn't mean "normal" I said "normal aspie"!

But thanks, I like this site.

...Are you sure the blood tests didn't check for thyroid problems? Could be something there. On the other hand, you should know that those side effects listed only happen to a small percentage of those who take the medications.The more serious the side effect, the more likely a doctor will take you off that medicine because of it. They are listed because if they aren't, it's grounds to sue over being uninformed over the potential dangers of taking the medicine. You have seen the tv advertisements about lawsuits over medicine, even though most people with brains know not to take birth control pills if you get preggers Try not to talk yourself out of something that could help.

I still don't know what the results "were" so much. They kept me completely in the dark about it. I was told everything looked normal? Wtf that means I have no idea. I was hoping for clues but I got diagnosed as a-ok lol, and at the time I was NOT ok.

I stopped going to my doctor for help when all he did was try to convince me to take the pills..

Im not rejecting them because im paranoid or anything, I have periods of time where im completely stable. Like now. I shouldnt need heavy meds for that, and the damage would likely not be worth it.

From my reading I don't think I have thyroid problems... Could be mistaken though.

But guess what? I think its a sleep/oxygen problem. That would explain why all the systems are going haywire right?
Recent research has turned up the following:

Symptom: cold hands and feet even in room temperature.
Cause: Low iron

Symptom: Crawling feeling on skin (feels like bugs) Never touched drugs so its not that.
Cause: Low iron

Symptom: Sleep problems
Cause: Low iron (lack of oxygen in blood, combined with lower flow rate at night means the heart cant reach a restful state as it would starve the brain of oxygen)

I'm no doctor (thank god) but I think i'm going to see if low iron content (hemoglobin) is starving my brain/thyroid/etc of oxygen. Will report back after placebo effect wears off.