I enjoy being ill.

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Today I noticed something very disturbing about myself.

I enjoy being in pain, and suffering.

I have the flu at the moment, and I intentionally went out in the frosty weather without wearing the correct clothing. It was freezing, and I walked most of the way home in the cold and dark, when I could have easily gone by bus.

I think this is related to my eating disorder...I knew that walking for miles in the cold would cause me to lose weight, so I did it.

I am amenorrheaic, flat-chested, and my rib cage is visable.

I eat only two small meals a day, strategically placed in the day to minimise the risk that what I eat will cause me to gain weight.

...

I recently decided to allow myself to gain weight. What triggered this was being told by my parents that I may be allowed to get a pet parrot, which I have wanted all of my life. I ate more, stopped weighing myself and drank hot-chocolate before bed. I desired to be healthy, so that I could take care of my new pet to the best of my ability.

It lasted for three days. I panicked, weighed myself once, and, on realising that I had gained a few pounds, began starving myself again.

This came with the realization that I will never be ready for the responsiblity of keeping such an intelligent, empathic bird. Parrots are sensetive to their owner's emotions. If I bought one, it would probably have a nervous breakdown.

Or maybe it would make me feel better... maybe a companion animal is just what I need to get my life in shape.

I don't know. All I know is, the way I am going, I'll be lucky to be alive in a few year's time.

And I've been trying to get into a college for Aspies. They rejected my appliction last year, due to my poor mental health. I wrote a letter to them, explaining that I am much better now...they liked the letter, but, honestly, I am fooling no-one.

Until I stop feeling that I only deserve to eat when I am, literally starving I'll never be able to cope with anything.

Oh well.

Are you able to talk to anyone? This sounds serious.

I feel the same way about things,

if i get injured or sick i want it to the worst possible outcome.

I dont intentionally injure myself or make myself sick

and I think you need serious treatment for you eating disorder, I dont think getting a parrot as an incentive will work, well it hasnt.

>>I don't blame you. There are far too little Routemasters, these days. You can go for a ride on mine, along Heritage Route #15.<<

Are you being serious, because this isn't funny nor does it help the situation.

What are you wearing, hon?

I believe what the rest of the posters believe. I think you need help to overcome this eating disorder. It sounds very serious.

Eating disorders are no joke! Please get help as soon as possible!

I hope that you get the help that you need. We don't want to lose another member.

I think I'm okay at the moment. My weight is low, but fairly stable. I'm not trying to lose much weight, but I won't allow myself to gain weight.

I probably made it sound worse than it really is; I was feeling very bad last night...I'm sorry. It is unlikely that I will die, but I know that I must do something about this.

Thank you for your concern, everyone.

Aridarr, without trying to sound patronizing, acknowledging that there is a problem and seeing that you need to do something about it is a step in the right direction. I had a close friend who went through similar issues but unfortunately didn't make it through, which is why I am always concerned when things like this come up and try to help as best I can. If you need a friendly ear I'm always willing to listen.

i think that because you too are intelligent,empathetic and sensitive and can sense the feeling s of those close to you it maybe feels like you too are having a nervous breakdown.is it because you are not in a suitable habitat with inadequate but well meaning care.i think sometimes when we focus on wanting a particular animal as a pet its because we relate to some of its characteristics.parrots are fairly rare and seem totally out of place in someones house.maybe you should consider living somewhere which would be a healthy habitat for a parrot,at least for a while.what do you think. . . .maybe recognising that your place is wrong for a parrot is a parallel with its unsuitability for you.anybody on line in a jungle could invite this person for a holiday. or maybe a job in a zoo . . . i think a poster of a parrot might be good for a while.try it . . .