my abuser may have reformed

Post Reply New Topic

When I was 10 months old, my father found out that my uncle was sexually abusing his kids. He told CPS, and ended up with custody of two of the kids, an 11 year old boy and a 14 year old girl. Both of them lived with us for several years - the girl until I was 4, the boy until I was 5 - and both of them sexually abused me. My parents found this out when the boy confessed shortly after leaving our home, and when I was questioned I revealed the girl's abuse of me as well.

My father's family of origin sided with his uncle and ostracized him, to the point that, when my grandmother died recently, he was left out of the obituary. So was my older cousin, and I had no idea why. Turns out it was for the same reason as my Dad - she told on her brother for abusing his kids.

Now I'm feeling very mixed up. I never expected this. But maybe, just maybe, I might be able to talk to her, get an apology for what she did to me? Maybe she knows finally that what she did to me was wrong, and would be willing to make amends?

Has anyone ever reconciled with an abuser and had it turn into a decent relationship?

I'm sorry to hear that you went through that. I don't have any personal experience of this so I don't know if it's possible for a healthy relationship with her after that, but I do hope that things work out for you.

(Thread moved from Random to The Haven)

Let God and Jesus do the forgiving. Move on with your life. You don't need to be reminded of the Hell a child was put through. Those memories are enough of a burden to carry already. She can go get her own friends, she does not need to depend on you.

Sylkat

I think you should talk to her about it, and help her. She is family, and she had a troubled past. Find a way to help her learn from her mistakes, and help her make amends. She's probably went through a lot of trauma, and that needs to be healed.

Plus, if this went on a generation before, do you really want to have it happen another generation? It's best to fix this problem as soon as possible, so no more suffering happens.

I think it might be a good idea to consult a professional about this, if you can. I don't think you are obligated in any way to talk to this person, but if she has made progress it might be possible that contact from you (however brief) could strengthen her resolve to continue doing the right thing. From what you've said, it sounds like they were fairly young themselves when the abuse happened, and I'm sure was largely influenced by the abuse they themselves experienced as kids. If she's found it in herself to move on from that kind of behavior, that's no easy task.

I have moved on with my life. The abuse happened when I was 1-5 years old. Since then, I had a whole pile of school troubles (partly PTSD, partly undiagnosed autism, partly new abuse from classmates and teachers), and then finally turned things around when my parents started homeschooling me at age 12. Since then, though there's been rough patches, my life has been steadily getting better. I'm in university finally, and it's turned out to be everything I dreamed of. (Not always easy, but way easier than I feared it would be.) I'm not exactly healed, but I can feel happy, I can advocate for myself, and I'm filled with hope for the future.

And now this...

I don't actually remember most of the abuse. I know it happened, I told others about it at age 6-7, but sometime between then and now I repressed the memories. I guess one thing I'd like is to know more about what exactly happened to me. If she were to admit what she did, that would be a big help.

Plus, it's sort of a 'practice what you preach' thing. I'm thinking of working with abusive kids, because one of my fascinations is psychopathy (this woman isn't a psychopath, but her father and brother probably are). And I truly and strongly believe that there is no such thing as an evil person, just people whose problems lead them to do evil things. Given that, I sort of feel I owe it to the victims of the people I'm planning to study to face my own abuser if I can.



I don't want that responsibility on my head. My parents already tried so hard to save her, and it brought them only pain. If she'll be saved, it'll be her own choice - I can't save her.

What I might be able to do is extend a hand, if she's willing to take it. But I need to know she won't bite me instead.



I am planning to get counseling.

They were 11 and 14 years old when they moved in with us, and both left around 16-17 years old. So yes, they were quite young. And their father deliberately tried to make them into abusers.