Another pointless rant

Post Reply New Topic

This is pretty much your generic "I hate AS"-rant, but what the hell...

I just don't know how to cope with all that crap right now. Turning 25 I just feel pretty much lost and burnt out. Got a diagnosis at 21 and spent the last years trying to adapt and learn how to fit in and all that...but I'm just sick of it! Every day I'm realizing that I'm different and always gonna be that way no matter what I'm trying to do. And it slowly kills me inside.

Should I be happy about having learnt to be able to hold semi-normal eye contact when focusing on it? Should I celebrate having a degree in physical therapy although being autistic? I try to fake a lot of stuff, but in the end I'm still lonely.
I mean you get raised with the premise of just embracing yourself and everything will take care of itself. That whole crap about 'Love yourself and others will love you too'....yeah right! Didn't work out for me...

And I know there are many people who quite like me, but it's so damn hard to show them the same if your brain is not wired to do that stuff. And I still can't read people at all. I fu***ing hate it! Every little part of it! Being 'special' sucks!
Is a girl interested in me? How should I know? Is she just nice or am I missing something great here?
Now even if my gut or however you call it tells me I should just talk to her I'm just not able to do it.
I'd rather have the illusion of her maybe being interested than being confronted with the possibility of still being completely lost reading the feelings of other people. Simple eye contact is still a big deal for me, so what do I know? How should I know?
I'm just sick of it! And the whole dating stuff just shows me how lost I really am. Because I've never tried to get a girlfriend I haven't gone through rejctions and just don't want to now.

Now people think I'm pretty smart and because of clothing and working out I might not look as autistic at first glance but it just feels like prett much everyone treats me as 'different' to some degree. Even if they like me and find my clumsiness cute or think I'm the smartest person they know or whatever, I still feel pretty much alone, disconnected from everything else. Like in those cheesy music video where someone stands in a crowd and everything around him moves fast forward.
I've learnt how to socialize, but don't know how to truly connect.
And it just makes me sad at this point. I'm scared of being that same person for the rest of my life. I just want to be somebody else every f***ing day!

Im 20 and I learned to conquer social fears. but to actually socialize and connect... no.

For now at least be glad you can socialize. Actually connecting is and will always be a mystery to me.

People always tell me; 'Oh you are such a nice, quiet, kind person but talking to you is like talking to a weirdo.'

Well, I hate to say it my good man, but you're going to have to learn to love yourself. Otherwise, if you don't, and you do end up all alone, then the only person you can't get away from (that person being you) is going to hate your guts.

If eye contact is weird for you, then don't force it. I rarely make eye contact with whoever I'm talking with, and I've managed to get along fine.

And as for girls you like, well that you're going to have to take a chance now and then. Yeah, rejection hurts, but at least then you know for sure and you can move on. Plus there's the chance she won't reject you, and the joy of acceptance is worth the pain of 10 rejections.

I don't connect well with others either i've found out.

As for girls, take the chance. Being nice? Who cares? With someone? Who cares, just respect their answer then they say no.

Rejections are a part of life, for the 50 rejections you get, its the one that makes it actually worth it.

About being happy about your achievements.. you do what you do I suppose. Eye contact.. if I can do a million other things more advanced than eye contact and people want to judge me for it, so be it.

Wonder if 25-26 is like that wonderyear for depression? I've been feeling it too lately.

Also, nice music video reference I can tell you have a good sense of humor, even if semi-kidding.

Yeah, I know you're right. Theoretically your answer is the only right one. But I feel like it's a lot more complicated. It's not about just 'being with someone'. I could do that, girls ask me for my number sometimes so that's not the thing. But I'm so freaking lost dealing with social rules. Having to rationalize everything sucks big time. There was that one girl I took a class with for a few weeks and she just made me realize that I have no idea what's going on whatsoever. Completely clueless. I really liked her, and somehow thought she might feel the same way about me. Thought she gave me quite a lot opportunities to do something about it.

And that's the point, I have to rationalize pretty much everything. All the time. I can see all that body language stuff happening and just can't figure it out. Maybe that girl was nervous because of me, maybe the class bored the hell out of her. She acted quite interested, but I know another girl who manipulates the hell out of people with pretty much the same nonverbal stuff you would consider signs for genuine interest. So what do I know?

Maybe 50 rejections will get me a date or something, but I'm not attracted to every girl out there. It's not about just getting a girlfriend , it's about being able to connect with someone you really like. I feel like a complete idiot. For all I know it's possible I'm completely misreading everything (which is probable when being autistic), or I completely ignored a very sweet girl for the last weeks who tried to give me more than one chance to make something happen.

Now I simply would have to try to find out, but I would have no idea how to go on from that. I had to deal with a lot of crap because of my AS, and how does all that fit into dating? Should I tell a girl at the beginning? So she either gets intimidated or feels entitled to save me? And in a relationship, telling her everything would put a girl into a difficult position. My life is pretty messed up. It's not just like 'Yeah I'm like Rain Man, just not as ugly and can actually tie my shoes by myself'. I feel it would be too much to ask from a girl to know about my life and not changing her view of me.

Maybe it's just being 25, no idea. Being cynical worked pretty well till now, but that one girl made me realize that even after years of trying, I'm still as autistic as I've always been.
Managed to become a Physical Therapist even though dealing with patients is quite draining and the whole job ist pretty much a disaster having AS. Maybe I'll start Med School later this year, don't know. I somehow want to deal with other people, I like it sometimes. But my body pretty much hates it. It shuts down whenever it wants. It just sucks.

Damn you, 25th birthday...

When it come to reading women, don't try. Not even NT men can do it.