A promise to myself

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Got home from an outdoor arts festival, and found myself completely unable to approach anyone or talk to them. I tried to find people to go with me but none did.

I had a date with a girl on Wednesday that went nowhere...she says she doesn't know what she wants and she's going on several first dates. I haven't a prayer in competing with other guys.

It is clear that as I stand, I am of no value to other people. And it is tearing me apart.

So I resolve to cut myself off from people except when necessary through work, family activities, or personal advancement.

I will not attempt to form any relationships with anyone, to avoid the inevitable humiliation and pain of rejection when they find that I am a dork or not up to their standards. I will not open myself up to being hurt by anyone. I will not attempt to date anyone. I will protect myself from all possible pain or hurt or rejection.

I will learn to enjoy life entirely alone. I will dedicate my life to my work. To making a great, beautiful, masterpiece of cinema. That will be my all consuming passion, and I will let no other human being interfere, no matter what the potential rewards may be.

I will do this to survive. I will do this to flourish, to remove the distraction of the silly hope that could ever fit in or find love and companionship.

I will give up on humanity and live for myself and no one else. I will let no one in. And I will move forward to being a great filmmaker and artist knowing I never had to compromise or sacrifice my purpose for the needs of others.

I have wasted too much time already on people who did not care for me. No longer. I will not be hurt anymore. I will live for today, for myself, dedicated to my work, and hopefully accruing as much money as I can so that one day I can sever my ties with all people forever.

That is my promise to myself. to ensure my future security and happiness.

I made a similar promise to my self, but people are too conniving, they lure you into "socialise" and as soon as it gets boring they dump you very much so sooner rather than later, most times practically immediately.

http://stuffaspergerpeoplelike.com/2008 ... hemselves/

cinematographers need life experience to draw their stories from. don't give up. ask someone you can trust to spell out the three most off-putting things you do, then change them. it's never too late. i didn't learn to small talk 'til i was 50. got married at 52. people are the only game in town. use them well.

I don't think it's a good idea to give up on people, you just need to carefully choose the people you talk to and find people who share your passions.

I intend to use them only to further my own goals, then discard them as so many have done to me, and so I can avoid being hurt.

I have plenty of experiences to make my films..I do documentaries anyways.

I've tried to rely on people in the past, and I allowed them to hurt me because I wanted to be liked.

No longer. I won't let anyone hurt me ever again. It's not worth the slight possibility of happiness with another person.

I'm sorry but that seems a really cold and hard approach to life, it's a shame you feel you need to be that way. There are many ways to connect to people who would understand you and want to help you with your ambitions.

I'm tired of being hurt and excluded and seeing all the things I can't be a part of. So I will make my own club of one, and exclude all of THEM.

I'm tired of not having control, and tired of being hurt. They'll all just abandon me once they achieve their goals, or get married and then I'm no longer important in their lives. Why shouldn't I treat them the same way?

You know, I have felt the same way all the time. I'm actually astounded - it's like you copied my words....of course, you didn't.
I have been hurt so much too. Abused. Misunderstood. Ignored. Rejected. Manipulated.
I have felt that pull, just to go and throw myself into my history study and language study and leave the rest of the world to rot. I feel it ALL the time.

But that thing that drives me mad...that fragment of social wiring that craves understanding (I guess that's because it gets none) that's in my brain...stops my resolve. Though, generally, I am resolved to stay away from people.

I made a list of a few people to open up to, no matter what they do. I have chosen them carefully. That's it. No more. When that sappy pity gets me, I say no. Back to the study.

I think you can have life experience without having to allow people to hurt you. But I might be wrong. I for one have had plenty of hurtful life experiences. It's time to get on with work and my passion.

So, that all goes to say, I'm glad there's someone else feeling similar. But you have to choose a few people that you know won't hurt you, at least not for a long time. Everybody hurts somebody if you know them long enough.

You also have to realize, it's like passive punishment for THEM. That seems to be the motive. I've had trouble changing that motive, as it doesn't seem to be conducive at all.

There's got to be room for a bit more understanding out there of the insidious power of prejudice, and the blind dependence that's part of the neurotypicalmakeup on what Digby Tantam called the Interbrain - without that, we're out in the cold for life. Makes getting used to it early a good strategy, if you look at it that way.

Or, you can seek out others more similar to yourself, and accept relationships for what they are.

If they turn out to be close, fullfilling relationships, excellent. If they don't, and you only remain loosely associated with the person, oh well. It might not be what you wished but it's not horribly bad either.

Hope for the best. Expect nothing.

aren't you opening up to people right here ? (sorry, just being a pain)
If you want to be a loner for the rest of your life, I hope it works for you. If not, you'll be back mingling in no time.
I had the same feeling a couple of times, when I hated the whole world and I could see how much fun everybody had in their 'greatest years* of their life. My greatest years where a lonely black hole. I didn't do anything, never got invited to stuff, didn't have any fun because I was always alone and I was afraid to do things on my own so I sat inside my room ALL the time.
Or I went somewhere with my mum.
I'm 31 now and I still get stuck in my room or go out with my mum sometimes.. but I did build up some lasting friendships after my graduation with some unemployed crazy people. They seemed to be different than the rest that's living the rat race. I don't mean you have to look for unemployed friends, but just don't shut out everyone from the very beginning. You CAN meet good reliable people that do want consistent and original friends or even just acquaintances. And true, they can be REALLY hard to find. And yes, it takes some time to establish a steady relationship. It has it's ups and downs from time to time, and only time will tell what will be one of those lasting things.

Yeah, that's why I think it's important to have a select few that you open up to, and heck, maybe even this forum. There's part of us that's never going to accept complete alone-ness.
I have just resolved to be alone for the majority of the time. A very large majority.

If I were you, I wouldn't simply throw in the towel. You will find people who will hold you in great value in time. I have a large group of friends and one best friend who I pretty much share everything with - they all take me as I am and understand me and invite me to go out whenever they do. In some ways, i was lucky to have them BUT it was due to my desire to socialise and put myself out there that really resulted in this - you should as well.

As for GETTING a date, well done - it shows you were proactively pursuing a relationship with someone else and your date actually decided to do it and turn up.

All i can say is don't give up!

moved from General Autism Discussion to The Haven