need support, this is incredibly difficult

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I'm going through a tough night tonight, tonight is when I realised I need to get the hell out of where I'm living right now. I've posted on the in depth adult discussion section about this recently. I'm in abusive relationship and everything that's been happening has been setting off too many alarm bells. I need some immediate help, I've tried calling both the Australian helpline for kids, as well as the domestic helpline. No one is answering right now.

Let me explain, boyfriend has complete control over me. I depend on him for food and money, as mentioned in recent post he will deny me food and blames me for many of his mistakes. I'm at his mercy. I would go to a women's shelter but I'm so afraid, I tried leaving last week thinking we were going to break up. He refused to and told me cared so much about me, being stupid me went to live back with him thinking it was all ok. I'm so wrong about that now, he tried to forcefully grab my hair for forgetting to turn off the computer screen while I was sleeping. Then proceeded to tell his friends about how I deserve it and I need to be told (which they agreed). He didn't see me read his conversation while he was typing it up (I'm opposite from him in the room and I can clearly see his computer screen). It was incredibly degrading what he was saying about me. After that, he told me how I've never cared about anything in my life and that I'm not getting any food for a long time. He fell asleep eventually, so I took the opportunity to call these helplines, no responses.

Since I went back to live with my boyfriend, my family has been calling me a 'manipulative b***h' for trying to 'use' them apparently. The only person that really matters to me in my life, my dad, has also decided to ignore all my pleas for help. I'm on one more week of holidays until I go back to study full time, I see my studies as my only hope right now. It's really the only thing in my life right now that is giving me hope, possibly a job and some sanity. It's also one of my social networks, outside of my studies I don't have anyone to talk to or get help from.

I'm re-thinking what I should be doing, there is so much to plan but I know that I'm in a very bad situation. I'm not going to sleep anytime soon.

Who is he to deny you food - that is terrible and degrading.
I was in an abusive relationship for nine years. I escaped by meticulous planning. I saved up money for an apartment and rented it before I even told him I was leaving. That way, I could tell him and make a quick exit.
I don't want to tell you what to do, but I think you need to get out of this situation - the longer you are there, the more scars you will have to deal with.
You can get out of this - don't give up! Hugs!

Thank -you, I think I'm going to need those hugs I have been speaking to the counselor where I study (she comes back when the break ends), we've been trying to get me youth allowance but I was rejected due to my boyfriend earning too much. I'm going to apply again tomorrow. I've been also looking up places to rent as well, isn't cheap in Sydney.

Keep working towards escape - even if you have to move to a scruffy apartment at first. Once you're on your own you will be able to receive more support and you can move to a nicer place.

My family didn't help me either; they seemed annoyed that I needed help at all. It's funny how the people who are closest to you are not necessarily there when you need them most.

It took me almost a year after realizing I had to leave that I was able to - just keep working towards that goal.

I will defiantly be working towards that goal. What makes it so difficult is that this is my first relationship. I know this isn't what a relationship should be and I've pointed this out so many times to him. I've tried to break up with him so many times as well but he won't let me go. Since I don't pay any rent, in return I do the washing, cooking and cleaning for him. Apparently this is not enough. I have been a full time uni/tafe student for 4 years, he knows that my studies take up lot of my time. It is difficult for everyone in my course to maintain a part-time job. Either way, I'm ready to move out on my own.

Yes, I think every family has it's problems. The reason why I'm living with him was because I was kicked out of my parent's house about a year and a half ago. I also felt unsafe and uncomfortable there as well. His behavior only gives me more motivation to become independent.

It's all about control with abusers. They want to make you as dependent on them as they can, so that you are coerced to accept their abuse. The longer you are there the more they weaken your independence.

I still have emotional scars from that relationship. I think it led me to depersonalize or disconnect with myself. I had to live with someone far longer than I wanted to and kept up a pretext of participating in the relationship. One of the worst times in my life.

I have been reading up about it. I think in my situation why he has so much control over me is because I don't have an income. I just need the strength and support to get out of there. I haven't felt this awful in a long time.

You have already taken the first and most important step - realizing that you need to leave. Keep moving towards your goal and you will become stronger.

Please do what is best for you and go to a safe shelter. These abusive people can become very violent if they feel like they are losing control of you. You don't need to tell him you're leaving, make sure he won't be home when you go so he doesn't hurt you.

It is really scary but you can do it, and you can have a free and good life without this person.

When school starts again, will you be going away to live at college? You need to get out of that situation IMMEDIATELY, not just have plans to move away in a few months. Now that he has tried to grab your hair, this situation could escalate to extreme violence. Keep calling the hotlines or wherever you can get information about a shelter. You can also call the cops, possibly they will arrest your boyfriend for assault and remove him from the apartment or give you information about shelters. Also, have you told your family (or friends) that he is abusing you? Whatever your differences, they may be willing to at least help you with a place to stay if they know what is going on. You have to judge how dangerous the situation is. Personally, I would consider sleeping in my car (or take his car) or even getting a hotel room for the night to get away from him, based on what you are describing. Your safety is extremely important.

I am also sending virtual hugs your way. I have a close friend who went through the same thing. It took her a long time to break away but she did eventually do so. I hope everything improves for you soon.

If you want youth allowance to go through properly, you are better off getting yourself to a domestic violence shelter as soon as possible. Once you are there you can apply for youth allowance and it will go through because your boyfriend will no longer have access to you and so what he earns will be disregarded.

Beware though - if you decide to see him again after you have left him and once you are living at the shelter, they may ask you to leave.

If you truly don't have the money but are serious about leaving then that is your best option, but you would have to be serious about leaving him in order for it to work.

If you are worried about your safety while leaving or after you leave him, you can tell them at the shelter and they will probably contact the police and the police will lodge an AVO for you if it is warranted.

He isn't home today so I'm going to start packing my things. He only started acting this way when his sexist friends started to give him advice about relationships. What are women's shelters like?

Ashuahhe, my heart goes out to you. My first serious relationship/marriage was an abusive one, and I know how difficult it can be to gather your strength to leave - and when you do, the cyclical nature of the abusive relationship makes it likely he will do everything possible to win you back. He may express remorse, woo you back, be kind and caring for a while.... and then, when you start to think, 'Oh, maybe this time it really will be different' - BAM - something triggers him off, and the abuse, degradation and violence happens all over again.

I think a combination of Get Out Now (ie to a women's refuge/d.v. shelter) plus planning for the future is really important. In other words, make your safety, now, your top priority, and go to a shelter if you are feeling threatened (and ALWAYS follow your intuition on this. Don't let yourself be cajoled out of it by him, and don't let him or anyone else convince you that you're "over-reacting". It is always best to let your instinctive feelings be the best judge, and err on the side of caution where your safety is concerned.) But planning for what might happen is important, too. In the short term this means anticipating how your partner might respond, and planning what you will say in response, either f2f or on the phone. Keep it simple (eg. "This is not working for me; I have to leave." - or whatever is appropriate) and then keep on repeating it. Don't let him sidetrack you by recyling old fights, or trying to suck you back in with promises of change.

You also need to plan what you will do if he tries to derail your intention to leave (by turning up at uni, perhaps) and drag you back by force. You mentioned a counsellor you have spoken to at your place of study. Ask the counsellor for advice regarding support services, possible accommodation etc. Are there noticeboards at TAFE/uni looking for someone to move in to a share-house? Or do you have any friends you could ask for support and/or a place to crash for a while 'til you get yourself sorted?

It's a shame you can't get more help from your family. Is there any relative you can turn to? Or an old family friend? I know that when you've been in an abusive relationship your self-esteem suffers greatly, and asking for help can seem like a huge and insurmountable hurdle. When I was leaving my marriage, and a neighbour offered to help I was reluctant to accept - until he said: "Haven't you ever done a favour for a mate?" I said, "Yes, of course I have!" and he then said, "Well if you have trouble accepting help, then that's your problem." It was a lightbulb moment for me. Although I still felt awkward and unworthy of his support, I made myself accept his assistance - which made all the difference in being able to re-locate, and set up a new place, when I also had a new job to start, and 4 young children to support. When I reflected on that conversation I realised that my self-esteem had been so trashed by the years of abuse that I truly thought I didn't deserve help from anyone, and I assumed that if anyone helped me they would be doing so reluctantly cos I was such a waste of space.... Not happy memories. So glad I've moved on from there.

I also think it's important to consider some longer term plans. Financial dependence can be such an insidious trap, as it leaves you disempowered within the relationship, but it also erodes your confidence when it comes time to fend for yourself. I know you are studying full-time - but is it possible to fit in a couple of shifts a week waitressing, or stacking shelves in a supermarket? My 4 kids all studied full-time (youngest one still is) and although they were all on Youth Allowance, it wasn't enough to survive on, so they all did p/t work as well. My eldest son tutored high school kids, my 2nd son worked in a Transit station (bus-to-train) and used to read uni texts when it was quiet! My daughter worked as a waitress, and my youngest son has washed dishes in a restaurant, and worked as a doorman in a hotel. There are lots of possibilites if you spread your net wide looking for ideas, and although it can be tough meeting all your study commitments and getting to work as well, you'll grow in skills and confidence as your employment experience accumulates, and you'll also have a real sense of achievement when you graduate.

It may also be worth considering deferring your studies and getting any job you can, until you find your feet emotionally and financially. Sometimes a uni or TAFE counsellor is also able to provide advice about study options (p/t or f/t), career pathways, ways of getting work etc. You can also check out some of the support services available online re job possibilities. The Federal Government Job Services web page is a good place to start. Or ask to see a social worker at Centrelink, and start the ball rolling there.

I hope things work out for you, Ashuahhe. If things seem overwhelming, and just all too difficult, try and break things down. Take each day at a time, and - once you feel safe again - take 'baby steps' forward towards a new life, if that is more manageable than making massive changes all at once.

Women's shelters vary a lot in Australia. My sister worked in 3 - 4 over a period of many years in QLD, and her experiences as a worker differed from place to place. She was working mainly with the children of the women seeking shelter, so the level of funding had an impact on the kinds of support and activities they could provide to the kids, but she also had a role in providing support to the women.

Be prepared for anything, really. Welfare support services are often underfunded, and this does affect the type of accommodation available, the level of repair/disrepair (depending on the budget allocation for maintenance) in the building, and the type and comfort of furnishings, recreation facilities etc. Funding levels also have an impact on the state of mind of the workers. They will all be committed to the work they do, and they will all seek to provide you with support, and reassure you that you're in the right place. Sometimes, however, they may be tired, overworked, have low morale etc if they've been doing the work for a long time, and feel disheartened by the low priority given to it by government funding bodies.

The main thing to remember is that whether the place is comfortable, or (worst case scenario) a bit of a dump - it will be SAFE. It will also be temporary, until you get back on your feet, and anything that is temporary can be endured, until better times arrive.

Best of luck to you. I'll be thinking of you

Thank-you blue-swimmers, it is very helpful advice and I'm very happy you could relate.

Today I have called up the domestic violence hotline and I have given them my details. I have also called up my adult friend who I know says that I'm welcome to stay at her house short-term, unfortunately she says she is unable to help as she is extremely busy (she has her family) so that is out of the question. I'm going to see a center-link social worker today to see if I'm eligible for youth allowance, rent assistance or crisis payments. I would stay with my family but they are not speaking to me right now due to leaving them last week in the first place. Adult friend has suggested I call my family and stay with them. I'm reluctant to do this because of what happened in the past, since moving out of their house they have done nothing to help me out and have completely ignored what my brother did to me. (if anyone wants to know PM me, it's a delicate matter).