When you become suicidal over your special interest ...

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It's times like this I hate having a special interest. It causes me so much stress, anxiety and embarrassment. I feel so ashamed something so petty can send me into a downward spiral. I hate the fact that I love my special interest so much. Does that make sense? I hate the fact that it's such an integral part of my life that I can't just drop it and walk away when things turn sour ... I get dragged down with it. I hate not being able to discuss my feelings with a friend or professional for fear of ridicule or belittlement.

/Rant over.

Out of curiosity, what is the special interest? No judgement here, whatever it is. I've had some pretty random ones, and I was pretty embarrassed at times. Never suicidal about them but I got made fun of for being obsessed with dinosaurs around 13 or 14 (and other things, but that stuck out in particular), so I hid a lot of my interests for a long time, trying to be normal.

Ironically, I actually think it was pushing away my obsessions that made me suicidal. I couldn't be myself. I couldn't engage from an area in which I actually felt comfortable. I had to engage on other people's levels where they felt comfortable. I didn't go to college to learn about the stuff I truly loved, because I pretended I didn't care about them. And I floundered.

So, for me, special interests do have a relation to being suicidal/depressed (among other things), but it's not that I wanted to kill myself because I couldn't get rid of my obsessions, it's more that my obsessions caused me to not fit in as well, and so, ashamed, I pushed them away which just made me more depressed and unable to engage with people in the long run.

So, the solution isn't to get rid of the obsession, it's about embracing them and finding a channel for them. Another thing is, you can sometimes find more appropriate channels, or related topics that are more socially acceptable. For instance, if you love some obscure historical topic, find a related topic that most people would at least find somewhat interesting, and just keep branching out.

I'm sorry that your interest is causing you to feel so distressed. In a way I understand how you feel. Sometimes I become upset with my special interests too, and then I feel ashamed/embarrassed that such a minor thing (compared to other people's problems) can cause me to get so riled up. I also understand what you mean by hating how much you love your special interest. Sometimes I wish I could just drop my interest and pick up a new one whenever I get frustrated with it.

If you ever want to talk about your interest and your feelings related to it, PM me. I promise I won't judge you - I'm one of the least judgmental people there is.

Stop stressing and stop over thinking this. Just enjoy your special interests. Everyone is entitled to get some enjoyment out of their lives. Special interests provide some of that, so go with it.

I don't have much other enjoyment in my life, so I get pleasure from my special interests. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that.

I had a bad morning and cantemplated wasy of suicide to escape my pain but i would never kill myself because i dont wanna go to hell and i would leave so much un done... i still ended up harming myself but i had cracked after months of fighting the feelings off... its afternoon im on all meds and doin somewhat better... i also have special intrests and they sometimes get in the way but i just refuse to drop them and others cant understand why... i feel u buddy... im pretty sure none of us here will judge you but like rose said PM me i will be glad to talk... i am also incredibly un judgmental its one of my strongest traits and i dont put up with judgmental people... at ALL...

PM rose and/or I we can both probably give you different prespectives... hang in there man and stick to being yourself