I need advice on an imperiled friendship
Hey everyone. I sorta touched on this problem I'm having in another forum, but I feel like I still need to talk about it, and this seemed a more appropriate place.
Note: please take the time to read this, and forgive the fact that it reads in places like a 9th grader's blog. It's a complicated situation, and I think a full hashing out of the facts is necessary. A couple things, law school is a lot like high school, surprisingly. I won't speculate why, but it is catty, cliquy, and back-stabbing. It is also highly stressful and competitive. This took place at the end of the semester, when stress is at its peak and everyone is at the end of their rope.
I made a friend in the pat year who had become my closest friend ever. I had told her things that no one else knew about me, and she had done the same. We were really really close, and we leaned on one another through our troubles, mine with as, she had auditory issues, depression. She also was gay, and had had a rough time coming out. We were platonic friends, and nothing more. I had a crush on her for sure, but I knew deep down that it wasn't possible, or even desirable.
Long story short, I had a prolonged series of anxiety attacks and meltdowns caused by a romantic setback with another girl (another bewildering story for me, but I digress). My friend and I had agreed prior to go to a graduate school dance (we're law students) together, obviously as friends. I went, even though I was still battling my troubles. She knew, of course, and was supportive, but I don't think either of us expected what happened to happen.
So we're at a bar downtown after the ball, and we had been kinda flirty all night, (she had done this before, it's just fun, she's very out and makes it clear she only has feelings for women). Well, she started flirting with some random guy, and I finally cracked. I guess my feelings for her were closer to the surface than I thought, and the alcohol didn't help. Add to it that I was still feeling the sting of romantic rejection from earlier that week, and it's a recipe for disaster.
I made a scene by huffing away from our group, and my friend and two other mutual friends eventually followed me out. These people have pulled away from me since this incident as well. So my friend and I have this big emotional scene out on the street, but end up walking back to my car together. Neither of us can remember how to get back to where we parked, it's 3am, she's in shock that I had hidden those feelings from her, and that I actually thought we possibly could be together, and we can't find the car. Eventually, the police stop us and drive me back to my car. She couldn't find the keys to her place, so she crashed on my couch.
The next morning I apologized, as I had done once my meltdown had subsided the night before. I drove her home, and there was def weirdness between us. She said that she forgave me, but that it would be weird for a little while.
Well, the next week started finals period. That is immensely stressful in any event, and this was worse. Tuesday after the debacle day, I had to give a 15 min oral presentation that I had prepared nothing for. I had another meltdown in the morning. I texted her, and asked if she would be able to talk to me. She agreed, and I proceeded to tell her how much I understood what I had done to hurt her, and why what I did was so bad, and that it was really hurting me. I did not ask for forgiveness, because I didn't think I deserved to ask for it.
Her response seemed to be that I was overreacting and that it want a big deal. That made me feel better, because it looked lime things might be on the mend. I didnt see my friend much except we watched game of thrones together a couple days later, and chatted on facebook twice. Then things changed. She began hanging out more with one of the people who witnessed the debacle, a young married woman who my friend has a crush on. My friend began to ignore my texts. Although initially she would respond to my texts like normal, after about a week she began to ignore them. This really hurt, because we had been so close. I sent her three texts that week, all ignored. After our last final, I texted her that if she wanted to hang out one last time before she went back to her hometown, to let me know. This was ignored. I sent another text that said she hurt my feelings, and I finally got back a response that angrily said that she didn't owe me anything, and that she thought she responded fine on Facebook, that she had told me that she needed space that morning, that I was pushing, and to back off. She said 'see you in the fall'.
I responded that I have abandonment issues (which she knows) and thats why I pushed, but that I was glad she was angry with me, because she hadn't expressed any anger before, and she had every reason to be angry with me. I told her that I would give her space, now that I understood that's what she wanted and what that meant (no communication at all), that she should remain angry with me as long as she felt it, and that she didn't owe me anything, not even a second chance. She replied that 'space' was what she meant when she said there would be weirdness the day after the debacle, and she 'just needs more time'. That brings us to the present.
It should be noted at this point that she had already decided to transfer law schools back to her hometown, to be closer to her disabled brother. If she gets accepted, which she'll find out in July, she will be moving back there. It's roughly 3.5 hours away. I suspect that the prospect of her leaving me influenced my behavior toward her that night. Again, abandonment issues. But that's not what I need help with.
As an aspie, I need someone to tell me if these are reasonable inferences:
That our mutual friend, who my friend has a crush on, negatively influenced my friend against me. There is correlation, they became close and suddenly what looked like a bump in the road killed the friendship
Second, that my friend hasn't closed the door entirely on our friendship. She did say 'see you in the fall' and 'just need more time'. But as I said above, it's highly likely that she won't be coming back anyway. I really miss her already, and the prospect of never seeing or speaking with her again makes me sad. That it's possible that someone who remains here has turned her against me. (why I don't know, I've only ever been nice to her, and we had been pretty good friends it seemed earlier this semester). Ive lost what had been a major part of my support structure, that I have to rebuild in a lawschool where no doubt our fallout has been noted.
_________________
Your Aspie score: 163 of 200
Your neurotypical (non-autistic) score: 45 of 200 You are very likely an Aspie
AQ: 36
i don't see any reason to think anyone is turning her against you.
i have lost friends and never found out why. at least you have a reason for the hopefully tempororary distance. she's probably hoping your romantic feelings toward her will die down in her absence.
i'm sorry you are going through this.
Similar Topics | |
---|---|
Advice regarding girlfriend |
30 Oct 2024, 8:33 am |
ASD GF, neurotypical BF- I need advice |
31 Dec 1969, 7:00 pm |
Dating Advice |
21 Nov 2024, 11:29 am |
ASD GF, neurotypical BF- I need advice |
19 Sep 2024, 10:26 pm |