I think I spoilt our holiday

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I've been away for a week, still in the UK, with my mum and her sister, and a lot of the time I spent feeling angry and irritable and snappy. I kept on snapping at my mum and her sister when they asked me things, and I got all huffy some of the time, and I kept getting all confused too. I know I was on holiday and it was all a different place, but last year we went on holiday for a week and I didn't feel a bit like I did this year. I felt more happier, more relaxed, more cheerful, and more confident, and just went along with the flow and didn't cause any fuss. But this year, I was more demanding, been such a pain, and caused grief. Nothing bad, but enough to cause upset, and now I regret it for spoiling time for other people.

Like I said, I kept feeling confused. I didn't know whether I wanted to socialise or not. I got upset when people spoke to my mum and my sister and not me, yet I got anxious when having to face people and speak. It was such a dilemma that was playing about with my emotions, and I didn't quite know what I really wanted. And also there was three of us, and they always say that three's a crowd. I don't think I get on being in a three. I'd rather two of us or four of us. Last year when we went away, there was four of us (my auntie's boyfriend came), and when she's with her boyfriend she doesn't speak to many other people, and so we just all mingled along together, and my auntie and her boyfriend sat together on the coach, and me and my mum sat together, so there was no-one on their own, and I think I preferred it like that. Plus I feel more relaxed with my auntie's boyfriend because sometimes I feel that he gives off a vibe that makes me feel protected and less anxious (I don't know why), and it was just better when there was four of you.

But being snappy and irritable was horrible for me and for my mum and her sister, but I didn't know of a way to be more relaxed and happy. I was happy some of the time, but every morning I felt worse. By midday, I started to feel more cheerful again, perhaps just having my moments once or twice in the afternoon. But thinking back, I feel so bad for making other people feel bad. It was my mum and her sister's holiday too, and my grouchy attitude spoilt it. I mean, think of how you would feel if you were trying to relax on a holiday down by the sea and you had somebody with you always complaining and snapping at you when you're just trying to be nice to them? Sounds awful, doesn't it? But at the time I didn't think of that. My angry emotions took over, and it prevented me from having a good time too.

The trouble is, I want to go on holiday again next year, but I want there to be either two of us or four of us this time, but my auntie's boyfriend won't come because he's realised it's not his thing, and nobody else would really go, and I can't just go alone with my mum because then her sister would want to come with us (she can be rather clingy). And I haven't really got anyone else to go with.

But I just feel so disappointed in myself.

Everybody happens to have a few "bad holidays": sometimes, the environment, the people, the changes, the stimulus, or whatever minute little factor irritates a person, autistic or not.
In all likelihood, your mother and her sister will have found a way to enjoy their vacation in spite of your behavior. Vacations are often exciting and pleasurable, and one unhappy person won't be enough to completely ruin a vacation.
I hope that the next vacation goes more in your favor.