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I have survived my whole life by pretending and fitting in. I'm 28 and have a steady career. Even some good friends but I have lied to everyeone i know (family included) about myself. Lied in how i feel and what i think. Told them what I thought they wanted to hear.

How do you bring up the innerside of myself to those near to me? Housemates that i have known for years. School friends that i still meet up with fairly regularly.

I feel like i am a fraud. That they won't believe me. Call me a liar and a faker who is just trying to get attention.

I want to be understood but i don't want to lose what I have with them. Even if it is skin deep and shallow.

With my house mates, one side of me thinks we get along very well and enjoy each others company, but another side of me thinks that in this situation you don't get too close to house mates because you live together (we all moved in independantly). I have mentioned at times needing my own space and having the odd bad time, but not much more than that. Never that I dont relate to people much of the time. That I see them and break them apart in my head. Do they want to hear these things??!

With my school friends group most don't live in the same city anymore and most meet ups involve a football game and meeting down the pub for some drinks. All good banta and relaxing that i really enjoy, but its never a serious discussion. Do they want to hear how I see the world around me? Would it strain and break the freindhships?

The trouble is i have only discovered the last few months how to describe who i am since discovering this forum. Before i just always thought i was different (a freak of nature and oddity that was best kept under wraps). I had someone i could talk to a year back, she had AS. I read about it and identified with a lot of it but her AS made her impossible to deal with most of life (she was also bipolar). I felt like I couldnt be the same as her AS was so much worse than mine. Discovering this forum has shown me that there are many people who pretend like me instead of openly living as an aspie in the world. I also felt she would consider me a liar if i tried to explain it so i hid it mostly from her and only let little details out. I found peace with talking to her. But now she is gone I suddenly realise how much human contact feels like and how much worse it is to have known it and lost it then to have never known it at all.

My family I treat wtih even more distance. I am consisdered the successfull one of my family. They all live in the same city but i can't bear to bring down their view of me. I know they wouldn't react badly. I just don't want them making a fuss over me.

How do you break an ingrained habit of a life time. My need to hid in front of everyone is burned into my essense. How do i break the programming? In trying to be free from my mask am I not breaking who i am?

Confused and yet again i have reduced my thoughts into a circular and entirely self defeating argument!

I suppose a new smaller prison with a window is better than a larger prison in darkenss...

I've only found out about AS lately, and I'm in my early 40s. My sons were being diagnosed and my friends knew that, so I mentioned my own problems too. The first person I said it to was the hardest. I tried to pick a sympathetic one for the first! Even then, their reaction was they didn't believe it was true, and I was too social. I pointed out I've studied a lot of drama and psychology and I work hard at seeming normal. I rehearsed that conversation a lot before having it. In the end, they did believe. It was a lot easier telling the second person. I had a school reunion lately, and didn't risk telling any of them. They never understood me then, and it doesn't matter now. I suppose part of the problem is that I don't want to tell them the details of my symptoms, as it's embarrassing. If they knew how much time I spent on thinking about special interests, they'd believe me - but then they'd ask me what that interest is and I really couldn't let them know as it's too odd.

The interesting thing is that I found if you admit to having problems, you'll often find that people are sympathetic, since they have some too. They'll often share theirs, and they may even be similar. I find aspies can be drawn to other aspies as we might make more allowances for odd behaviours! So there might be those amongst your friends, you never know. Good luck with it!

So I am a little confused as per what you want from this topic but from what I can gather it is just general comments. None of my friends know I have AS but if there was ever a situation where I felt telling them would help I would tell them.
So as for your housemates I wouldn't bother telling them unless you thought you had too, even then you dont have to tell all of them. I am really close to my family and if you are looking for someone to talk to my personal experience is that families are perfect for support. Especially if you dont have any close friends.
My question to you is do you really need to tell people or break the programming? What has changed now that has made you consider this?

It sounds like it's important to you to 'just be yourself', is that right? It can be a real effort trying to be something you're not, eg acting NT, and can be emotionally draining.

Maybe you need to give yourself permission to be your true self, and to accept that you are fine and don't have to pretend to be something you're not. You could start by allowing yourself a bit of time each day when you are just you, no pretence or conforming. This may be when you are alone, or with people you trust. It can be a gradual process too, it doesn't have to be a complete reversal of how people are used to you behaving.

I think you'll find that when you start to be yourself around friends, housemates, family etc, people won't actually be surprised or shocked. Those who know you well are (hopefully) most likely to accept any changes in your behaviour. If asked, you can explain why you have changed - if people understand things they are more likely to accept them.

Work is a slightly different scenario, I think. We are generally expected to behave a certain way in the workplace - I tend to think of it as presenting a professional face, to suit the setting.

Thanks for you comments everyone. I have tried talking to one friend somewhat, it feels like a painful and slow process. I'm still very afraid of going too far. Though troublingly he seems to think i shouldn't put it down to AS and more just being shy and over thinking things. Oh well, one step at a time...

Sorry for the late reply. I seem to let life get on top of me and get bogged down easily. The replies were very much appreciated!

Going to try and be myself a litle more in some safer situations and start slowly talking to a couple of others that I trust to at least not jump off the rails, even if they don't really get what i am trying to tell them!

Lundygirl, i actually find work an easier environment to get along in. As you say its easier to follow a protocal there and get along with people. Plus i get left to my own devices a lot in my job and it allows me get fixated on solving problems and, even though its a open plan office, i find it pretty relaxing when i can sit in my own world undisturbed at my desk!

I would recommend getting a good advocate to help in the form of a psychologist. Buntness offputs others for some reason.