Feels pointless

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It seems as though my depression has taken a turn for the worst as well...or maybe it is partially the ptsd, I don't know all I know is I don't know how much longer I can take feeling this depressed. Much of the time its like I am having an internal conflict...trying not to give into all the suicidal thoughts and ideas about how much of a worthless burden I feel like.

Tried posting about this somewhere else last night, and unfortunately I cant really say its been very helpful...just didn't want to be redundant here but here we are. Anyways I am just feeling very depressed, can't seem to hardly motivate myself even to do the only thing I have planned on which is try to get on SSI and maybe get help for issues I'm having. I just seem not to have the energy for anything...and well I was going to try very had not to be vague..........but I am not really sure how to word exactly how I'm feeling and its frustrating because that is probably the # 1 reason people don't have anything to say because I always have to be so vague so they feel there is just too much to respond to.

anyways not quite sure what else to say.

You just have to make yourself do it. I keep procrastinating with my disability report as well and my OSAP application but I'm forcing myself to do it tonight because I just make myself think of the future consequences if I don't and I'll feel much worse in the future if I don't do the stuff I need to do today. Get a friend to come over and do it with you or get a friend to tell you not to procrastinate. She/he can keep making sure that you're doing what you're supposed to be doing. Remember, you control your life. Life happens when you make it happen.

I know...I guess if I can force down a bit of food, even when my feeling on edge or whatever is making digestion hard.....but I know I have to eat something since maybe the last time I had something to eat was yesterday evening and now its the evening of today for instance, I can certainly make a phone call and probably get myself up to go to the appointment, though its bound to be pretty draining like everything else seems to be.

But yeah I guess the trouble with me is I don't see what future consequences would get worse by procrastinating....like it ends up feeling like the futures pointless anyways and will probably be just as bad regardless of what action I take. So that makes the motivation even more difficult since I know what I should do, or what I plan to do and want to follow through but then it feels like even if I do things will still be just as bad if not worse. I mean say like a teacher gave their students an assignment and wanted them to do their best work on it, but the catch was they would get no credit and recess was also to be canceled....its kind of how I feel.......like even if I put my effort into it there is nothing to look forward to at the end.

For all I know they might decide to stick me in a mental institution and strip me of all my rights.

I'm sorry you are feeling that way Sweetleaf. I can relate to those feelings.

I think a good first step would be to get some help. You have mentioned a mental health center which is local to you. You have expressed a lot of anxiety around contacting that place, but is it possible you can have a friend contact them for you?

I know it hurts. And when you start doing things to help yourself, it will hurt more. Social Security will doubt your disability, counselors will have their heads up their a$$es when it comes to AS or one of your other issues. All this stuff is really hard. But you don't have to do it all in one day, and you don't have to do it alone. Small steps, followed by tactical withdrawals into things you find comforting: your friends, your music, your...herbal remedies.

And keep posting. You are eloquent in your vagueness, and it describes your mood perfectly.

Yeah maybe......I just don't really know what they would do to help, for now I think getting a diagnoses of my issues might be the best if I can find a way to do that. I just don't think surface therapy like I've done in the past will do me any good when I still have yet to have any documentation at all that I have some serious issues. Not to mention I really don't have it in me to go get to know and talk to a therapist I don't know once a week. But yeah I agree with getting general help.....but the sort of help I'm looking for is kind of specific.

I do have a friend that can help some.

Also it almost unbearable as it is so honestly I don't know exactly how I'll handle even more pain...I guess just hope it doesn't destroy what little is left of me. Also I have no idea how to deal with people that have their heads up their asses, especially when these are the people supposedly 'helping' with the SSI process. For one I suck at standing up for myself and two I can't turn off the part of my brain that has an emotional reaction when people are jerks to me.. But yeah I try withdrawing into things i enjoy, and then finding i cannot enjoy them because of how I feel........but I haven't lost complete enjoyment of everything at all times its just worse than it was. I guess the most I can do is try and just get through it, but I don't know if I can.

You're stronger than you know. People have probably told you that before until it almost becomes a cliche, but it is true.

You might also try writing your thoughts down before you go see someone. Seeing a therapist for the first time can be extremely intimidating, and you might wind up like a deer in the headlights when they are asking what is "wrong" with you. Take some time and write things down, and don't hold back anything. You can always edit it later on if you want.

Actually, writing is good regardless of whether or not you are going to a therapist. Sometimes when you get something down on paper it helps to clarify things in your mind.

There is one thing you can do right now that doesn't require you to call someone or visit and office or fill out applications. STOP JUDGING YOURSELF! Just because the world has treated you like crap doesn't mean you have to treat yourself like crap. You're a non-conformist: dare to be different!

I don't really know that I can avoid judging myself.....and yeah I have no idea what strength people mean. As for writing I do that here but I can never think of anything to write just to write.

I'll tell you this, after you accomplish what you set out to do you'll feel a sense of accomplishment maybe even pride because you did what you had to do. You wont have to worry about it anymore.

It's hard to tell someone to think positive, with me being a depressed person myself I totally get that. Let's just say instead, keep your options open for the future, you never know what the future holds. I can tell you if you don't get a job and you don't apply for disability the end results could be detrimental to yourself. You might end up on the streets or in a homeless shelter. That's why applying for disability is important. From there, once you're on it you can work to getting yourself better or at least trying to improve your mental health with counselling and stuff like that. You could volunteer somewhere, I find it's easier volunteering than working because you're not weighted down with important responsibilities and it just comes from your heart to a cause that you feel strongly about. You could join special groups and you could even move out, even if you have to split rent with a room mate, at least you'd have independence. I can almost guarantee that you'd feel much more better. If it turns out you don't get disability, don't give up, push yourself to your limits and fight until you get it, keep on trying. There's nothing wrong with being different or being on disability, think of it as a helping hand to where you want to get yourself. Go to meetup.com and look for groups to join that interest you and you'll meet people with like interests or even disorders/disabilities.

BTW, they can't just lock you up in a mental institution without your permission, unles you've really lost it and are completely out of it. You sign an admission form/contract.

Oh quick question...Does your school board still have your school records? Do you have a family doctor that has records of your mental health from when you were a child? These things can be perfect documentation. That's what I'm using. Unfortunately my school records got thrown out after 5 years after grad but my doctor had some things and I had a couple of old high school report cards with IEP's.

I don't know...and what school records do you mean......all that is there are my grades.....I don't have a family doctor and I was not really treated for my mental health as a child I suffered it alone until I tried to commit suicide when I was 15 then I got counseling but I can't say that really helped any.

Have you considered temporarily abstaining from a certain recreational herbal substance, until you can get these issues sorted out? It will take approximately 2-4 weeks for it to leave your system, after which time, you might find yourself feeling more motivated, clear-headed, and energetic to tackle your problems. Just a suggestion.

Well if it's really that bad for you maybe you should consider being hospitalized. I don't really know what else to say. I mean I was down that deep hole once, I went to the hospital which I was scared to death of going at first but I actually enjoyed my time there. They want you to get better not to lock you up for your whole life. I was there for 2 weeks but those 2 weeks meant a lot to me. Everybody was so nice and caring and for once I actually felt human and that I was important. Granted though, you do live in the states I'm assuming and you probably have to pay for this kind of stuff, am I right? I strongly suggest you go to that place that has the sliding fee, I know you don't have a will right now but just going to one session may change how you feel about your life. It's not a nice feeling when you feel your lowest of lows and it's extra hard if you don't have any support from people close to you, I don't really know you but think of me as your motivator and just go and do what you feel you need to do, do something whether it's the hospital, counselling or even just the first step of the disability forms. You can do it!

For school records this is what you do, you call your last high school and ask them if they still have your school records because you need them for medical reasons. I don't know how it is where you live but here in Ontario our school records contain every photo we had from kindergarten-grade 12 stapled on the front and the inside of it contains every single report card as well as any psychological testing, teacher's notes, communications from different professionals, a few assignments you did as a child, and issues you had, IEP's, etc. I was allowed to look at my school record in grade 12 for an assignment I was doing and I was fascinated by how much stuff they kept in it.

I've considered it and that usually makes it worse....I really don't think I'd feel more motivated because then I'd probably just drink more. I guess I am not sure how exactly to deal with how I feel with absolutely no relief. But yeah its an idea.

Alcohol is worse, I agree!

A doctor may be able to prescribe something for the anxiety, so you don't need to resort to heavy drinking.

I didn't have such testing done or documents from any professionals....that is what I am saying no one knew there was anything going on with me, they just thought I was weird or whatever. But I imagine if I needed them I could get them.

Well if it's really that bad for you maybe you should consider being hospitalized. I don't really know what else to say. I mean I was down that deep hole once, I went to the hospital which I was scared to death of going at first but I actually enjoyed my time there. They want you to get better not to lock you up for your whole life. I was there for 2 weeks but those 2 weeks meant a lot to me. Everybody was so nice and caring and for once I actually felt human and that I was important. Granted though, you do live in the states I'm assuming and you probably have to pay for this kind of stuff, am I right? I strongly suggest you go to that place that has the sliding fee, I know you don't have a will right now but just going to one session may change how you feel about your life. It's not a nice feeling when you feel your lowest of lows and it's extra hard if you don't have any support from people close to you, I don't really know you but think of me as your motivator and just go and do what you feel you need to do, do something whether it's the hospital, counselling or even just the first step of the disability forms. You can do it!


Actually, I've had two Bipolar friends who have been hospitalized. Both of them described it at a positive experience, which surprises me.

In terms of the SSI, you could get an attorney. I think most SSI attorneys work on a contingency fee, so you only have to pay them if you win the case.

I know you don't feel like doing anything now, but perhaps when you feel better.

Well I don't know the things a doctor would prescribe for that are any safer....but its a possibility, though.