I know that I've been posting depressed topics on here practically. But something that had never improved since I was beginning to grow up was how afraid of what I would do if I upset someone or disobey one's orders. I grieve for hours about how ashamed I am to not listen to or upset anyone. But I'm never aware of what I say or do. Yet I feel like everyone will hate me, I would seriously enter a permanent depression mode where I will never enjoy anything that I love again if many of my friends hate me. I never get anything productive done when these thoughts come around. Along with thinking about how much you messed up your life. It's even twice as stressful when my family gets involved and doesn't take no for an answer when they want to enforce new rules to my lifestyle. I worry about the smallest things in life. What I mention in this topic has to do with the several dramas I make up with my online friends and just on the internet in general. If my family catches me crying over said dramas continuously, they will permanently ban me from the internet. I'm also conscious that the people complementing me are just pitying over my pathetic soul and that I think I'll never fit to one's standards. I get easily hurt when someone does a bad remark or stops talking to me all of a sudden. Even if it's a stranger, I will be bothered continuously about it. I'm sick of wasting my time about all of this. No matter how positive I am, there's always a new problem, no matter how different it is. It never gets fixed. And the best for last?.. I'm only 18 years old. I need to do what I can to inflict pain to myself to get myself to move on from all this drama. I never do a single thing about it. This topic is practically a follow up of how I worry about losing friend and do lose them.
It's really hard to be mature. I don't even know where to start....
17 May 2012, 11:44 pm
