What am I supposed to even do?

Post Reply New Topic

So I'm diagnosed with Aspergers as well as undiagnosed Bipolar 2. I'm going through a really hard time in life with really bad depression... Or at least it feels really bad but I guess if I look at it from an objective point of view things aren't really as bad as they seem... But like I have very few friends and none of them ever like hanging out with me, and I don't really know how to make news ones... Some people here in the past have suggested finding a local club for things i'm interested in but I don't know how to find out about those... I've also just really lost interested in pretty much everything as well... I used to love film and video games but I just don't have the energy to sit through movies or play games anymore, it's hard for me to even get out of bed... And the few friends I have who do want to hang out with me it's always very odd because I never really know what to do and I always feel so terrible and awkward and whenever there are people there who aren't friends with me and don't know me always looks at me like i'm ret*d or some s**t... And like I have trouble at home because my brother and sister are mentally f****d up because my dad has PTSD and Bipolar (not sure if it's 1 or 2) so he's kind of f****d up and it's f****d me and my siblings up and so my younger siblings are very mean and bully me and call me ret*d and ugly all the time which really hurts and s**t... And my dad cares but he's so unpredictable and crazy that i'm afraid to talk to him because I never know if he's going to snap and s**t... And my mom is hard to to deal with because she cares but she has depression so she's usually a pessimist and s**t... My girlfriend of 2 years broke up with me a while ago for another guy as some of you know and that's hit me pretty rough as she was pretty much my only support system and the thing that was keeping me going... I'm finally starting to get over it I think but I'm still really lonely and want somebody to love me again but I don't think that's possible because of my bipolar and aspergers and the fact that I have a condition (ecodermal dysplasia) that makes it so my hair is very thin and it almost looks like i'm balding which i'm not... one of my eyes is also a different shape then the other one and I guess it's noticeable if you look at my face for more then a few seconds... Well at least I think it's pretty noticeable... And like I can't get a job either... I've applied everywhere I can and I can't even get a single interview... And i'm stressed because I want to get into college but I still have my entrance exam which is on the 31st but the issue is people are already able to register for classes so I'm worried I won't even be able to get into college and I've already taken several semesters off since I graduated High School back last May and I need to get into college... My mom says I can use my aspergers as an excuse to get me into already full classes but I don't know how true that really is and I really don't want special treatment because I hate people looking at me differently... I've also tried to get into the military but I've been denied in all the branches because of my diagnosis's of aspergers, and the fact that i've been on anti-psychotics and have had suicide attempts and stays in psychiatric hospitals in the past... And that f****d me up because I had wanted to join the military since I was a little kid because my dad served, and my moms dad and all the men in his family served as well and I felt like it would increase my self worth and I don't want to be even more of a disappointment to my dad as I am already am... And like my dad he has his issues with his bipolar and PTSD but he's a super high ranking member of the marines and has been in it for i'm pretty sure like 35 years now and he also is involved with a lot of behind the scenes state politics and s**t as well and I feel like such a disappointment that he's made such a name for himself and i'm just his emotionally f****d up son... He says i'm not a disappointment when I've asked him before but I know he thinks I am... How could he not? I mean I couldn't even go to a normal high school and had to go to a middle and high school for kids who were considered emotionally disturbed... I've only had one job and had to quit because I couldn't handle my supervisor calling me ret*d... I'm just a huge f**kup... And I can't take medications because i'm terrified of putting fluoride in my body... And I just don't know what to do...I know i'm not going to kill myself because 1. I don't feel like doing anything let alone take the effort to kill myself, and 2. I'm too terrified of just ceasing to exist to do that... But I'm just so damn depressed and don't know how to get out of this... I tried calling a psychiatric hospital today asking about how to get in and I mentioned my fear of fluoride and she straight up started laughing at me so I hung up... That just made s**t even worse... Luckily i'm going to my therapist tomorrow so hopefully it will help to talk to him because he's really cool but like... I honestly just don't know how to deal with all this... I just really don't know what to do... I'm so depressed and I don't feel like doing anything... I barely even have the energy to leave my bed... And like there are some days where I feel better than ever and am on top of the world and that i'll get ouf of this rut and then out of nowhere just BLAM back to this s**t again... And then I feel like an idiot because I post on Facebook BS like "i feel like things are finally looking up" and then posting something really depressing, and then back to the positive again and I feel like I look crazy... And like I post it there because I want people to care about me... All I want is for people to be proud of me or to comfort me and nobody ever really does... I hate myself and I have absolutely no self worth... I'm always just randomly breaking into tears and I just f*****g hate it...

good feelings being floated your way
being barred from service is so far been the most distressing result of my official diagnoses

That's a lot of stuff to think about. It is good in one respect that you're fairly clear on what's bothering you. I mean you don't seem confused. A suggestion might be to, when you see your therapist, to make a little goal list of what might be do-able actions on your part to make you feel better. Like, a small step by small step. I have struggled with really bad depression too. Hang in there, don't let it stop you from doing what you want to do.

I had some of the same shi% happen a bit ago. Had a girl and she left me for another dude which hurt like hell. She was the onll real person i could talk to and stuff. Have problems of my own in my family matters and in life it self but some how i am still alive so i guess thats something. lol

Sweet Pea hugs

I think you should just find some really good hobbies to take your mind of things. I used to workout all the time to keep my mind of things. Also used to go to concerts alot.